We must, indeed, all suck together, or assuredly we shall all suck separately

It's been a long time since I really, really thought about breastfeeding.

I breastfed both of my kids, for longer than the US norm is, and I'm glad that I could. It was one (well, two) of the most simultaneously fulfilling and irritating experiences I can imagine.

But I don't think about it much anymore, because my kids are long past that stage. I'm too worried about getting into Kindergarten and balancing work trips with my custody schedule for the kids and mindfucking the emotional fallout for my kids of my getting divorced and researching karate classes and helping them navigate elementary school friendships.

The only time how I fed my babies comes up in my life (when I'm not answering a question on Ask Moxie about it) anymore is when I'm sitting around talking and drinking with other moms. At some point the conversation will turn to how *big* the kids are now and how we can't believe it. And then we'll tell baby stories. Sometimes they include stories of how we fed our kids, especially if the story is horrifying, like answering the door with the flaps of a nursing bra down, or having a mother-in-law mix up a whole days' worth of pricey formula and leave it out of the fridge to go bad, not knowing. But it's just part of The Lore of Motherhood, and we commiserate and roll our eyes at each other, the way our mothers still do with their friends.

So it shocks me again, the way it did when I was pregnant and complete strangers would ask me if I planned to nurse, that people are still so tied up in knots about nursing a baby. It is a completely normal function of the female body, and no one should bat an eye at a woman doing it. But, at the same time, sometimes it doesn't work out for a gazillion reasons that are not my business and in those cases thank God, THANK GOD for formula.

But here's the thing: Once you're done nursing or formula feeding, it's not in your life every day anymore. How it worked or didn't for you is history. It probably still has some emotional resonance, but it's not consuming you like it did. Which means that the people for whom nursing or not nursing is important and vital and heartbreaking are the very people who have the least time, energy, and bandwidth to advocate for themselves. So those of us with kids old enough to make their own sandwiches are the ones who really need to be taking up this fight.

The fight I'm talking about is normalizing feeding babies. By the breast or by the bottle. Creating a society in which the culture supports women feeding their babies in any location babies are allowed to be, without shame or fear of reproach. Where women are not asked to justify their feeding methods or told to cover themselves up. Where we're honest about breastmilk being the best food for babies, and where we don't use duplicitous methods to sell formula. Where women get accurate information about breastfeeding and formula feeding and are allowed to make the choice (if they have one) that's best for their families and then supported, no matter what that decision is. Where we as a culture talk routinely about breastfeeding issues without shaming women, those who breastfeed and those who don't. Where we actually have legislation that allows women to spend enough time to establish breastfeeding and then guarantees that they can pump in the workplace to maintain breastfeeding for as long as they want to.

What if we all became lactivists, advocating for more legal protections and support structures for breastfeeding? And what if, at the same time, we became advocates for mothers who feed formula? What if we all started showing a little more cleavage, because breasts are multi-purpose?

I have a dream in which a woman nursing her baby and a woman feeding her baby formula and a woman who just likes to show off her knockers in low-cut tops can all sit in the same booth at the same restaurant and compliment each others' shoes while they eat. And the old-school, Flo-like server will walk up and ask them how everything is and tell them how cute the babies are with no subtext. And the old guys at the next booth won't even pay attention to any of it. That is my dream.

Won't you help me make it a reality? If we all join together, we can make things better for every mother of a babe in arms.

1. When you see a mother with a baby, say, "Wow--your baby looks so healthy and happy! You must be doing a great job!"

2. If you're a breastfeeding mom, and you have a choice about where to feed, sit down next to a mom feeding a baby from a bottle, and start a conversation about something not related to feeding.

3. Don't hide your breasts when you feed your kid, whether you're nursing or using a bottle. Be as discreet as you personally want to be, but don't cover up just because someone told you you should.

4. If you're out in public and you see a woman feeding a baby, give her a smile. And a piece of chocolate, if you have one.

5. Defend and protect. If you see a feeding mom being harassed in any way, step in the way you would if you saw big kids picking on little kids at the playground.

6. Talk about feeding babies with your kids, so they grow up knowing that babies need to be fed and that you fed your children and they'll feed their own kids. The circle of life.

If those of us who have more emotional bandwidth to think about the long-term effects on us of how society treated us while we fed our kids can be very specific in fighting back, this insane fuck-you to moms who feed their babies will finally end.

Then all we'll have is the fight for legislation protecting nursing, allowing for decent maternity leave, and protecting pumping time in the workplace.

Comments

[Hiroshi]

Misa - Paula, only YOU could make an elevator sexy!! Hot cluope and hot shoot. I love the one of her with her head down and him laughing!!! Where was the shoot done?

[Orel]

I think that there is a place for both breastmilk and foumrla. It all depends on each family, their situation, their comfort level, and the health of mom and baby.I think the goal of the mother/baby dyad is happy healthy mom, and healthy happy baby. This is how I approach the mom/baby dyad at work (I am an NICU nurse). If breastfeeding is working well, and makes everyone healthy and happy that perfect. If there is a massive struggle, mom is super unhappy, or the baby is suffering from lack of breastmilk supply, then it is time to look at other options.You just can't really know what will work best for you until you are in the situation, and really think and reflect, and give it a shot.

[Joad]

I'm sorry I have no thoughts or adcive to share that will help you, but I'm going through the same debates in my head. I want my children close together, but how could I possibly rob my little guy of the time he is getting with me, by bringing another baby into the house. How could I possible love the other child as much? How would I have the time?Plus there's all the breastfeeding issues too. I'm still feeding and haven't had my periods back yet. So would I need to stop feeding in order to even get pregnant? And if I did fall pregnant while still feeding, how would I make it work?Decisions, decisions. But I think the resounding answer is always that you'll cope, that you have more than enough love to go round, and that if it's meant to be then you work it out. Not that that helps the little control freak hiding out in me who just wants an answer. xLucy at Dear Beautiful Boy recently posted..

[Rediate]

response to samanthatrin: fdeeing babies carrots etc not quite accurate while they are Not recommended for babies under three months No solid food is recommended for babies that young anyway!after three months there should be no problems check out the website wholesome babyfood dot com slash nitrate article for more accurate info

[Winda]

When I formula fed the first month I went thgourh 7 cans of the yellow enfamil powdered formula the second month I went thgourh 8 and 3-5 months 9 cans at 5-11 months I went thgourh 10 cans each month each can cost $14.99 so for the first month $105 second $120 and up to $150 a month at the end. With my second baby I breastfeed and I can't believe adding it up right now I spent $1680 on formula man what a waste!

[Asick]

Here's some reasons that I've found when rehinrcseagIt's always available.(obviously we know some woman struggle)It's free.It contains active infection-fighting white blood cells and natural chemicals that give increased protection against infections in the first months, when these can be the most serious.It contains the perfect proportion of nutrients that your baby needs, including protein, carbohydrates, fat, and calcium.It is easily digestible.It may protect against allergies and asthma in the future.It may decrease a baby's risk of obesity in the future.It may contain some fatty acids that promote brain development.Breastfeeding can help new mothers lose weight more easilyI'm going to do my best to try to breastfeed.

[Roger]

My son is 4 1/2 months. We sttraed baby food a couple times a day at 3 months.EDIT- Dont understand the THUMBS DOWN's I got..I did what my Dr suggested since my son was 19lbs at 3 months and the formula was not satisfying his hunger very long. He is 4 1/2 months and 23lbs..You try feeding a child that big just formula and see if you dont feed him every hour. The baby food has a lot less fat than formula and he is going alot longer between feedings so A THUMBS DOWN to you people who know nothing about my son or my situation lemme guess Ima have a lot more thumbs downs

[Blagovesta]

My elder daughter who is 3 and half now strated eating baby food when she was 4 months old. I strated her early as I was unable to breastfeed her. My second daughter strated when she was 5/6 months. She breastfeed till she was 1 and half years along with having solid food.

[objedaday]

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[Wangun]

That is so funny and weird. I looks as if at first they were having a duptise about getting something out of the freezer. They reconciled and just thought it would be cool to just show their butts instead. LOL!!!

[Elena]

The poor babies.. They still need gunicdae, support and someone to tell themNope, not a good idea! You have an idea of how many babies-toddlers and most frequently big babies we have seen, and saved! It's ridiculous and they shouldn't be left alone! I can understand the occasional escape.. I could def see bran doing that at some point, but I would never be ok with him playing down the road without me, or any other parent around!mommayates3b7 29/06/12 at 21:08 b7I agree. We live in military housing but it is not on base nor is it gated, it is wide open to the public. We have two little boys in our area that run free ALL day and night. We have lived here a year and they have done it since we have been here .the youngest just turn 3 and the oldest turned 4 at christmas So sad. The parent is inside in the back of the house most of that time. At first it drove me nuts bc I have a 4 yr old myself and a newborn that I have to watch after and if we ever played out front over the little boys would come, but now I just feel so sorry for them. I would never allow my 4 yr old to play out front alone. My oldest(11 yrs) is free to roam but knows his limits. We are from a small town so its always been ok to let kids play outside but even then not really outside the yard alone til 1st gradeish at the earliest.lucymoonb7 01/07/12 at 5:44 b7I agree I see WAY too many small children out and about by themselves. There have been many times while at the park I've had to intervene .children fighting, doing very dangerous things, bullying, the list goes on. I just wish these parents made more adult responsible decisions about the care and well being of their children .Leave a CommentYay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic! Please keep in mind that comments are moderated. Thanks for dropping by! You must be to post a comment. Copyright 2012 .

[Marty]

That's a smart way of tihnking about it.

[Jennabel]

I found just what I was needed, and it was entretaninig!

[Vinnie]

Very true! Makes a change to see smooene spell it out like that. :)

[Navid]

Well put, sir, well put. I'll cterainly make note of that.

[Robbie]

Hey hey hey, take a gndaer at what' you've done

[Subrat]

Oh my goodness, I love these. That shot of the liltte girl in the rocking chair with a smile so big and bright WOW. Gorgeous images! She really grew a lot. Beautiful baby, too, of course!

[Angelina]

Put it right back where you found it, right now, or call a wildlife rehltiaitabor.Whether or not your heart is in the right place, and regardless of the legalities, what you are doing is wrong and the bird will end up dead. It takes excperience to look after chicks, especially as young as this. The fact you have been feeding it bread and water shows that you are clueless.It's nice that you want to do the right thing, but you cannot do this with so little experience. The bird will end up a prisoner in your house, and constantly annoying you for the rest of its life (may be 10-15 years in captivity). Wouldn't you rather this little bird was given a lifetime of freedom and a proper development, after this bad start? To give it the best chance possible, call a rehabber or put it back not in a nest, but exactly where you found it. If it really has no feathers, however, I suggest calling a rehabber rather than putting it back. There is a chance it fell out of the nest prematurely, although it was probably the smallest one, perhaps pushed out by its siblings and therefore not supposed to live anyway.

[Lefty]

This is way better than a brick & moratr establishment.

[Pras]

In an ideal world you should try to keep the rouinte as similiar as possible. So if possible you should try to keep things the same whether its weekdays or weekends. Even more essential make sure you feed at least twice a day, three times is even better.But this isn't always a perfect world. I'm a nurse and therefore work shift work. It is not possible for me to feed the identical time each and every day, because some days I leave my home at 6:00 a.m. so I can work day shift, therefore I feed at 6:00 and then about 4:00 p.m. But when I work evening shift I feed at 8:00 a.m. and then at 2:00 p.m. when I have to leave to get to work by 3:00. Nights I can feed at 8:00 and then 4:00.It isn't ideal, but its probably easier for a horse to have regular change than a constant rouinte that is the same day in and day out, and then changes out of the blue. And note that my rouinte might vary an hour or two, but no more. My horses have learned to be someone flexible in their rouinte, and it varies every day. Having said that, I use common sense and adjust things slightly for example, when I work evening shift and have to do my last feed early at 2:00 p.m. I make sure I throw them extra hay so they have lots of occupy them until the next morning.

[Kindsey]

Thanks for sharing. What a plaesrue to read!

[Philly]

It's a joy to find smoonee who can think like that

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