We must, indeed, all suck together, or assuredly we shall all suck separately

It's been a long time since I really, really thought about breastfeeding.

I breastfed both of my kids, for longer than the US norm is, and I'm glad that I could. It was one (well, two) of the most simultaneously fulfilling and irritating experiences I can imagine.

But I don't think about it much anymore, because my kids are long past that stage. I'm too worried about getting into Kindergarten and balancing work trips with my custody schedule for the kids and mindfucking the emotional fallout for my kids of my getting divorced and researching karate classes and helping them navigate elementary school friendships.

The only time how I fed my babies comes up in my life (when I'm not answering a question on Ask Moxie about it) anymore is when I'm sitting around talking and drinking with other moms. At some point the conversation will turn to how *big* the kids are now and how we can't believe it. And then we'll tell baby stories. Sometimes they include stories of how we fed our kids, especially if the story is horrifying, like answering the door with the flaps of a nursing bra down, or having a mother-in-law mix up a whole days' worth of pricey formula and leave it out of the fridge to go bad, not knowing. But it's just part of The Lore of Motherhood, and we commiserate and roll our eyes at each other, the way our mothers still do with their friends.

So it shocks me again, the way it did when I was pregnant and complete strangers would ask me if I planned to nurse, that people are still so tied up in knots about nursing a baby. It is a completely normal function of the female body, and no one should bat an eye at a woman doing it. But, at the same time, sometimes it doesn't work out for a gazillion reasons that are not my business and in those cases thank God, THANK GOD for formula.

But here's the thing: Once you're done nursing or formula feeding, it's not in your life every day anymore. How it worked or didn't for you is history. It probably still has some emotional resonance, but it's not consuming you like it did. Which means that the people for whom nursing or not nursing is important and vital and heartbreaking are the very people who have the least time, energy, and bandwidth to advocate for themselves. So those of us with kids old enough to make their own sandwiches are the ones who really need to be taking up this fight.

The fight I'm talking about is normalizing feeding babies. By the breast or by the bottle. Creating a society in which the culture supports women feeding their babies in any location babies are allowed to be, without shame or fear of reproach. Where women are not asked to justify their feeding methods or told to cover themselves up. Where we're honest about breastmilk being the best food for babies, and where we don't use duplicitous methods to sell formula. Where women get accurate information about breastfeeding and formula feeding and are allowed to make the choice (if they have one) that's best for their families and then supported, no matter what that decision is. Where we as a culture talk routinely about breastfeeding issues without shaming women, those who breastfeed and those who don't. Where we actually have legislation that allows women to spend enough time to establish breastfeeding and then guarantees that they can pump in the workplace to maintain breastfeeding for as long as they want to.

What if we all became lactivists, advocating for more legal protections and support structures for breastfeeding? And what if, at the same time, we became advocates for mothers who feed formula? What if we all started showing a little more cleavage, because breasts are multi-purpose?

I have a dream in which a woman nursing her baby and a woman feeding her baby formula and a woman who just likes to show off her knockers in low-cut tops can all sit in the same booth at the same restaurant and compliment each others' shoes while they eat. And the old-school, Flo-like server will walk up and ask them how everything is and tell them how cute the babies are with no subtext. And the old guys at the next booth won't even pay attention to any of it. That is my dream.

Won't you help me make it a reality? If we all join together, we can make things better for every mother of a babe in arms.

1. When you see a mother with a baby, say, "Wow--your baby looks so healthy and happy! You must be doing a great job!"

2. If you're a breastfeeding mom, and you have a choice about where to feed, sit down next to a mom feeding a baby from a bottle, and start a conversation about something not related to feeding.

3. Don't hide your breasts when you feed your kid, whether you're nursing or using a bottle. Be as discreet as you personally want to be, but don't cover up just because someone told you you should.

4. If you're out in public and you see a woman feeding a baby, give her a smile. And a piece of chocolate, if you have one.

5. Defend and protect. If you see a feeding mom being harassed in any way, step in the way you would if you saw big kids picking on little kids at the playground.

6. Talk about feeding babies with your kids, so they grow up knowing that babies need to be fed and that you fed your children and they'll feed their own kids. The circle of life.

If those of us who have more emotional bandwidth to think about the long-term effects on us of how society treated us while we fed our kids can be very specific in fighting back, this insane fuck-you to moms who feed their babies will finally end.

Then all we'll have is the fight for legislation protecting nursing, allowing for decent maternity leave, and protecting pumping time in the workplace.

Comments

[electriclady]

A-fucking-men.

[Kelly]

As I sat next to my nursing friend last night, I was grateful that those days were behind me. However, you've reminded me that my work isn't done. Thanks!

[Melissa]

Holy shit hear-fucking-hear! (as in: hear hear! with an a-fucking-men thrown in the middle). Can you please post this everywhere?

[Arwen]

Yes, yes, yes! Moxie, I heart you.

[Kate]

Rockin'. I'm all over this one. Holy shit, hear hear, a-fucking men, etc.

[Cloud]

This is excellent.

Thanks to the health care reform bill, time and space to pump in the workplace is now protected for many women. I think the cutoff is similar to the law we have here in CA- companies with at least 50 employees must provide this.

I pass that along because it flew under the radar, and when I heard about it, it just about made my day.

[Leah]

Love this to freaking pieces.

[Maria]

Yes, yes yes.

[Nicole]

Amen! I'm on it.

[liz]

YES.

[caramama]

Yes yes yes!!

In fact, I was just thinking when I was at the pool last weekend that I wished I still nursed during the day so that I could help normalize the nursing at the pool. Have you heard about all the complaints that people make at pools regarding breastfeeding mothers? Ridiculous!

Like @Cloud, I was thrilled when I heard about the protection for pumping moms in the health care reform bill. A place to pump must be provided, and bathrooms don't count. YEAH!!!

[creatingbalance]

Thank you, as a currant Nursing Mom of a 21 month old this made me weep. I feel so strongly that I'm doing right by my kid but still feel this pressure from friends and family to justify why we are still doing this and I don't want to feel that way!!! I'm so proud to have been able to experience this relationship with my boy and can't even wrap my head around weaning!! So inspiring, thank you, thank you.

[Kate]

Very nice. I've felt the same way--about leaving behind all the division to advocate for better parental rights/leave in whatever guise is necessary.

It has occurred to me that breastfeeding, which was such a big part of my life for quite a chunk of time (5y2m straight), is something that my kids probably not even remember (!!! unless I have more), and I really need to talk about it more.

[Melba]

This is a topic near and dear to me. After trying so hard to nurse my first baby, and not being able to in the end, then trying even harder to nurse the second, and just now weaning at 5.5 months for various reasons... I feel that I've constantly had to justify my choices on how to feed my babies. And to who? The judgemental old lady at the mall asking why I'm not breastfeeding when I'm feeding her a bottle, then the very next day the funny looks from this guy at the pool when I'm breastfeeding her.

Thanks for this post, I wish more people just GOT THIS.

[J]

Amen!!! But... The old guys in the booth next door can pay attention to the woman with the low-cut top in my dream, 'cause breasts are multi-purpose and let's face it, it's understandable that some women like to show off their boobs and men appreciate them! And to me that has to be ok too - anything else would be pretending these wonderful things don't exist which is sort of defeating the point. But the men can't say anything gross and have to believe in their hearts that nursing is normal and natural. :)

[K]

I have a 9 3/4 year old son, a 7 yr old daughter, and am currently their 16 mo sister. We nurse anywhere and everywhere. It is their normal. When I do have to go somewhere more private to nurse, they know it's because the baby needs focus, not because it's not ok to nurse.

[K]

I have a 9 3/4 year old son, a 7 yr old daughter, and am currently their 16 mo sister. We nurse anywhere and everywhere. It is their normal. When I do have to go somewhere more private to nurse, they know it's because the baby needs focus, not because it's not ok to nurse.

[Katy]

Nice post! I am breastfeeding my now 8 month old and do it pretty much anywhere, anytime, and without apologies. I must admit that it's mainly because I'm lazy and breasts are easier than bottles. However, I think it's really important that I don't hide away while doing it...people should know how little babies eat. I love your suggestion to give positive feedback to moms who are feeding their babies. And chocolate.

[Maz]

Amen!!! Thanks moxie! I am breastfeeding my 10 month old and starting to feel a little "he's getting too big for that" pressure. Why is that when all of the relevant medical authorities recommend at least one year of breastfeeding?My son is so happy, healthy and attached. I know this is right for him. You give me strength. Bless you a thousand times over.

[the milliner]

Yes. YES!

What amazes me is how much women are told/given the verbal message "You MUST breastfeed" while also given the message (verbally or otherwise) "But don't let us see you do it."

Totally annoying. And I imagine similar conflicting demands are made on mothers who feed their babies formula.

I'm the last person that thought I'd be BF past the 2 year mark. But I find as I go that I get much more comfortable about expressing my views about it and exercising my rights regarding it, and not giving a crap if people think it's too long.

As I sit at the end of everyday, in the hall of my son's daycare, and BF my son, I do get some knowing and nostalgic smiles of encouragement (though no chocolate yet ;) ). And I also get some uncomfortable glances along with the rare negative comment disguised as a casual joke. I get quiet satisfaction for the last bunch that forcing them to confront the idea on a day-to-day basis will hopefully have a lasting effect on opening their minds and perhaps triggering a reconsideration of what is 'normal'.

[Shelby]

This applies to anything motherhood related. I remember one time when my young son was acting up and one woman goes to me, "yes, they do go to college someday". And then smiled very nicely at me. It was just a subtle way of showing that she too had been in my shoes. I remember this 2 years later. It is esp. true when feeding your child. Whatever you choose or don't choose and have to do is your business and you are just trying to do the best you can. Solidarity. :)

[mellowyellowbaby]

Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I just started breastfeeding 7 weeks ago with my newborn and feel myself getting a little nervous about feeding him in public. I've found myself in a hotel parking lot that the local police frequent for their breaks... because it's that isolated! I haven't had a "bad" experience out with him yet but it's that cultural sense that something could happen with some very rude people once I would breastfeed more publically. We need to support each other in the way you detailed. Again, thanks from a mom in the BF trenches right now ;)

[Dawn]

Amen!

[theklamsays]

Moxie, YOU ROCK.

[Kedachhabra]

I have breastfed pretty much everywhere and try to always smile at women feeding their babies (it doesn't matter how). I've been waiting a long time to get a negative comment that I can fire up about but all I've had were some dissaproving or 'interested' stares. I feel lucky to be living in Sydney, Australia because very few of my friends have had negative comments.