Since everyone's writing one

You're coming to New York City! We're excited that you'll be here. New Yorkers love visitors.

You should feel free to wear whatever you want to wear and do whatever you want to do, but just in case you want to act like a New Yorker while you're here, I've made a list of tips:

1. Don't wear capri pants with sneakers and socks. Nothing will tip us all off that you're not a New Yorker faster than colorful capri pants with white socks and sneakers. We're not so big on capri pants in general here, but if we wear them they're probably tight and black, and we wear them with flip-flops, gladiator sandals*, low-top Converse, or heels. We're also not really into shorts, but they're not the big flag that capris are.

Three looks this summer that almost every New Yorker rocks:

• Skinny jeans (on any and all body types, honey) with a flowy tank top and flip-flops or gladiator sandals or flats.
• A-line skirt with fitted tank or t-shirt on top, and flats, sandals, flip-flops, or low-tops.
• Jersey-knit v-neck empire-waist dress, with a camisole underneath or not. Flip-flops, flats, or heeled sandals as footwear, but no one will notice because they'll be looking at your cleavage.

2. Get breakfast at a bodega. The classic NYC breakfast is 2 eggs, cheese, and bacon on a roll: bacon-egg-and-cheese-on-a-roll. Get this with a cup of coffee, in the blue "We are happy to serve you" cup if you want hot coffee, or iced coffee. There are two sizes: small and large. You can get milk, skim milk, or half-and-half in your coffee, and sugar, nutrisweet, or splenda. No whip. Nothing fancy. This coffee is not a luxiurious escape--it's something to wash the cheese and bacon out of your arteries so you don't die before lunch.

3. Ask for directions. New Yorkers ask each other for directions all the time, for realz. Think about how big this city is--if you're out of your neighborhood, you probably don't know exactly where you're going, so just ask. Sometimes all you need to know is "which way is uptown?" Sometimes you're in the subway and have to figure out how to get from one boro to another. The only thing to know is that you should probably ask two, or maybe even three, different people for directions because New Yorkers can be totally full of shit and want to look smart by giving directions but not really know.

3a. Walk on the side of the sidewalk. Not directly in the middle, three abreast. The reason we're always rushing is that we need to get somewhere: a job interview, to pick our kids up from school, to meet someone for lunch. We love having you here, but we will cut you if you block our way for no reason in the middle of the sidewalk.

4. Take the subway. Everyone does. As long as you're not on the subway system at 3 am, you'll be ok. If you go too far, get off, turn around and go back.

5. Eat from street vendors. We all do. I'm not such a fan of hot dog carts, but I adore the halal chicken stands (white-sauce-no-hot-sauce) and pretzels and gourmet Cal-Mex and dosas and dessert carts and Delicioso Coco Helado.

6. Talk like us:

• Houston Street is pronounced HOWston, not like the city in Texas.
• When you're standing behind someone, waiting, you're "on line," not "in line."
• A convenience store is a deli or a bodega. (Unless it's 7-Eleven on 23rd Street, in which case it's 7-Eleven.)
• It's the subway. The metro is in Washington, DC or in Paris.

7. Know the difference between friend and foe, public vs. private. All New Yorkers develop the Don't Fuck With Me Face that we wear around the city. If you stop on the sidewalk in front of us, or stand at the bottom of the subway stairs, or obstruct our progress in our daily lives, we will kill you with a glance. But it's all just a protective forcefield for when we're out in public, and we're actually kind and caring people. Ask us for directions or our opinions about the best whatever, and we'll map out six ways for you to go and tell you where to get the best deal, and we'll probably figure out that we know someone in common, too. We're helpful. Just don't expect casual friendliness, because that we don't do.


And now some things you really shouldn't do:

1. Please please don't go buy knockoff handbags on Canal Street. The knockoff bags fund mafia actvities including sweatshops (located in the buildings right above where you buy the bags--terrified immigrants who are forced to work 16 hours a day with no bathroom breaks, so have constant UTIs or urine running down their legs, and develop lung diseases from inhaling fumes all day) and human trafficking. Every bag you buy on Canal Street puts someone else's child into sex slavery.

Instead, buy an awesome laptop sleeve from Hello Rewind, an organization that employs former sex slaves in NYC. And if you want a purse, buy one from one of the super-cute boutiques in Nolita, or order one from a WAHM from Etsy.com. Or just use the same bag you brought with you!

2. Don't take a horsedrawn carriage ride in Central Park. It's really not cool that the horses stand out there in all kinds of extreme weather (we've had 20 days over 90 degrees here so far this summer) and are forced to walk in and amongst traffic. Not to mention that the rides are vastly overpriced.

Instead, take a ride in a pedicab. Environmentally awesome, fun, and the pedicab drivers can tell you all kinds of dirt on the city while they're pedaling you around.

3. Don't go to the Statue of Liberty. The line to get on the ferry is long, the ferry is bumpy, and the line to climb is horrendous, and then you're so close you can't really even see the statue well. And it's overpriced.

Instead, take the Staten Island commuter ferry. It's free, and you'll be on the ferry with a mix of tourists and commuters, and you get an awesome view of lower Manhattan as you leave. If you have kids with you, hop a bus in Staten Island to the Staten Island Children's Museum (about 10 minutes' ride from the ferry terminal). If not, walk through the terminal and get on the next ferry back to Manhattan. Use the time and money you saved by taking the SI Ferry instead of going to the Statue of Liberty to go see the Empire State Building (which really is worth it).

4. Don't eat at a chain restaurant. There are 5,000 really stellar meals to be had here, at all different price points. Don't waste a meal slot on someplace you could go to at home.

Instead, look at Yelp.com or ask the people on the subway with you where the best burger/pizza/falafel/Belgian waffle/etc. is and pick one of those places.

Have a great time while you're here. We are happy to serve you.

* I loathe gladiator sandals, and wish they'd just die a quiet death, but they're still in style here, so if you have them already, bring them to NYC with you.

Comments

[Briar]

This is the most apt, brilliant, hilarious, perfect description of us that I have read in a long time. Love love love it.

PS I hate gladiator sandals, too. Ever since I read a tweet about them being cages for feet, that's all I can think when I see them.

[After Words]

Great tips! As a former NYer, I have my own opinions:

I don't do street meat (except for the Dosa Man in Washington Square Park and the Wafels & Dinges truck wherever it may be).

Restaurants are one of things I miss passionately about the city. I completely agree that chain restaurants should be avoided, and I highly recommend doing a little research before you arrive to scope out the restaurants you want to visit (the Chowhound message boards are a great start). For the most part, the really great food is not in midtown Manhattan, and it doesn't have to be expensive.

I do think the trip to the Statue of Liberty is worth it--especially the Ellis Island immigration museum--but if you want to go, go as early in the day as possible and buy your tickets online in advance. Personally, I'd love to take the ferry to Governor's Island (which only runs Fri-Sun), but I'm going to wait until I can drag my whole family with me.

[Laurie]

Thank you for including the bit about knock-off handbags. They also fund terrorism and Asian sweatshops. Nothing pisses me off more than effing Canal Street...

[electriclady]

There are a lot of fantastic food carts and trucks within blocks of the Hilton--check out midtownlunch.com.

And amen on the capris+sneakers.

[Anonymous this time]

We're coming this weekend--nice timing--thanks! Love the SI Children's Museum suggestion. Of course, my boys really want to go back to the Transportation Museum to get more subway cars and t-shirts with their current ages on them.....

[katie]

This is a really great guide. Love your sense of humor. I'm a southerner, but have spent a good deal of time in the city. Enough to appreciate all the things you touched on. And just, wow, about the handbags. I knew it wasn't good, but I had no idea how BAD it really is. Thank you!

[Briar]

That is so funny about the subway shirts for ages. Is it totally dumb that we never thought of that? With big kid and now with little kid, we focused most on "our" subways, the ones near our home that we use all the time!

[liz]

Genius!!!

I must now Tweet a link of this to the world.

[magpie]

I think I love you.

[Kate]

Ha! My daughter said "on line" yesterday. She's still a NYer!

[Supra Skytop]

I feel so exciting after reading your blog. Perfect! More reading more clever. Thank you very much. If you work more hard, you maybe do more achievement.

[Jana]

I'm coming for my 40th birthday in March. :)

[Jo-Ann]

Thanks!

I grew up on LI and live in Philly and I have never been to the Statue of Liberty LOL.

Never owned gladiator sandals. Ick.

[Claudia]

I'm aghast that NYers have embraced the gladiator sandal, and am shocked that something popular in western Denmark is *simultaneously* popular in NY. I think hell just froze over.

Love your list. I want to go now. I mean, NOW.

[Jen L.]

THANK YOU! I am a former NYer, two years removed, and I laughed out loud reading about capris and sneakers! My best friend and I used to eat lunch at Columbus Circle and play "Spot the Tourist." That is always a dead giveaway. :)
Looking forward to being back in the city for BlogHer and can't wait to meet you!

[Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things)]

aha! I love this! I had no idea about Canal St. That is a whole post in itself! I don't care for knockoffs so I don't go there anyway, but I never really considered the terrible things they do. I mean I figured about the mafia but outsiders don't think of it in real terms you know? Very informative.

And is it stupid that I feel pretty good about the fact that I don't violate many of these things? I mean I have the pissed off don't F*** with me face DOWN. Hope to see you at BlogHer!

[Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]]

Super duper love this! I've been to NY a few times, so I'm not crazy nervous like I was the first few times I went. The info about the sweatshops? I really had no idea. Makes me sick.

[Miss TeJota]

I know who cares, but there are 7-Elevens on W. 42nd and 93rd as well as E. 84th. I like a slurpee and maybe a crazy hot dog concotion every now and then.

Great post.

[corrin]

My sister lives in NYC so I visit pretty often and these are spot on. So funny.

[AmyBlam]

These are awesome tips. I haven't been to NYC in AGES and was worried about taking the Subway at night, and possibly alone a few times. Particularly Thursday when I have so many parties to get to fast!

[TB]

Aw, this post makes me miss New York!

Onceuponatime I worked in midtown and it always made me kinda sad to see families of tourists going to the chain restaurants in Times Square, when they could have a (cheaper!) vastly more interesting and tasty meal...basically anywhere. WHY???

[SarcastiCarrie]

I'm a midwesterner and I hate gladitor sandals (I mean, how long does it take to lace up and head out?) and I love capri pants with "gym shoes". I wore them to the Bon Jovi concert on Friday night and my BFF did too. And we saw many many others wearing the exact same outfit we both wore: khaki capris, black T-shirt, gym shoes.

[G's Mum]

Moxie - I am sure you saw the still photos for this in the Times on Sunday, but just in case, here's the video link. Very timely for your thoughts on gladiator sandals:

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2010/07/30/multimedia/1247468541968/on-the-street-strappy.html?ref=style

[Kathleen999]

I disagree on the S of I. I love her, I love climbing up to the top, to me it is a wonderful experience. I love that people from all over the world are there (how often do you get to use your Italian, French and German all in one day?) and I also very much love the Ellis Island museum.

I don't look good in any of the styles you mention, but I do consider myself a New Yorker since I've lived here longer than anywhere else in my life. I say, wear what looks good on you and don't be too colorful. We don't do super colorful in the city, although summertime tends to loosen up.

Great post! People should know these things.

[Brandy]

I didn't come to BlogHer (no money) but wish I could have. I would have NEVER brought, nor would I ever wear, gladiator sandals. And people who do should be tortured. A LOT. ;-)