Breaking up

A few years ago, El Grande and I went to see the play True West with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly. The play itself is just a great piece of drama about brothers, and Hoffman and Reilly were alternating nights playing each brother. The night we went, Hoffman was playing the "good" brother (or is he a robotic patsy?) and Reilly was playing the "bad" brother (or is he a visionary who just hasn't hit things right yet?).

Toward the end of the play, there's an extended scene in which Hoffman's character makes toast and butters it. Dozens of pieces of toast. As the theater filled up with the smell of delicious WonderBread toast I got so hungry I almost couldn't concentrate on the rest of the play, and was just waiting until the end of the show when they'd pass out the toast to the audience members.

Then one of the characters smashed all the pieces of toast! So instead of taking me to Ben & Jerry's, where we always go after seeing anything on Broadway, we came straight home and El Grande went to the bodega and bought a big loaf of WonderBread and I made about 10 pieces of toast and buttered them and devoured them, standing at the kitchen counter.

I can't eat toast anymore.

Since I discovered how awful eating wheat makes me feel, I've been going through a slow mourning process for all the foods I can't eat anymore. It's strange, this not being able to eat things. In the past I've been on diets, been vegetarian, fishatarian, poultryatarian, vegan, dairy-free but meat-eating, low-carb, no sugar, and all sorts of other combinations. But this is the first time that not eating something isn't just a matter of principle or not wanting to gain a pound. When I eat things with gluten in them I feel nauseated and headachey and flushed and exhausted. The more gluten (like bread or kneaded cinnamon rolls) the worse I feel.

I'm sure there are a few gluten-containing foods for which my enjoyment of the food will be greater than the discomfort it causes. But I'm still working on that. Instead, I just keep realizing there's another food, and then another, that goes on the list of Things I'll Never Eat Again. (If only I'd know--I would have eaten them all one last time, savoring each painful bite.) I must still be in the shock stage, so maybe writing them down will help move me through it faster.

No more:

bread
cinnamon rolls
pie crust
cake
cupcakes
special birthday cake that my mom's made for me every year we've been together on my birthday
dim sum (wheat in the dumpling wrappers)
banh mi
Coke (caramel color)
Dr. Pepper (ditto)
soy sauce
croissants
Oreos
bagels
macaroni and cheese
Italian pasta
funnel cakes
sugar cookies
grilled cheese
zebra cake
hot dog or hamburger buns
scones
muffins
falafel sandwiches
spinach pie
anything thickened with a roux
and more

It's like losing a lot of who I thought I was, in a way. I was trying not to make this maudlin but to convey how sad I am at the same time, but this seems to be turning into a Barry Manilow song so I'll stop and go to bed now.

Comments

[rachel]

one other thought - since you are in NY, http://www.celiacchicks.com/ is great - they have reviewed a ton of restaurants and other places in NY (and other places). You can even get GF pizza in a few places!

It sucks, trust me, I know. But if you're able to cook (and know that many of the first things you cook will end up feeding dogs, pidgeons, or seagulls), you can make almost everything you want to eat. And if you have the money, you can buy almost everything you want gluten-free.

We are celiac, so even if we didn't have nasty symptoms, we wouldn't eat ANY gluten because it damages our intestines. but there are people who are "just" gluten intolerant, and they have occasional gluten. Sadly, it isn't an option for us.

My 3yo asked today "when I'm another person, can I eat this?", and that seemed to comfort her. whatever works. I guess whatever works for me is leaving book-length comments on your blog. sorry!

[Meramoo]

Whole foods has a product listing on their site of gluten-free stuff, along with some other links.
http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/specialdiets/overviews/gluten-free.html

[Jody]

One of my comforts as we discover Wilder's allergies has been the thought -- at least it's not celiac disease. So your discovery of the health-gluten connection for you causes me pain. I'm so sorry. Food is so intimately tied to memory, identity, holidays .... no wonder you're sad. I hope everyone's excellent suggestions (especially the enzymes to help with gluten digestion when you just can't bear to give something up) help.

(hugs)

[Figlet]

My sister has pretty awful rheumatoid arthritis. She's just gone gluten free. It's tough but it seems to be helping. Maybe you can invite your readers to a gluten free challenge where we keep you company for a week at a time. I'd be game...