I received two questions about preschoolers in diapers at night, so I thought I'd combine them into one post. They've got the same problem but are coming at it from two different angles.
Anna writes:
"My daughter is just over three years old and has been potty trained for about a year. However, she is still wearing a pull-up at night and most of the time it's wet in the morning. To date, after making a couple abortive attempts at night-training her, I haven't worried about it too much, but I am getting tired of buying pull-ups. I guess my question is two-fold, do you think she's ready/able to give up the pull-ups at night? And, if so, what are your suggestions on how to do so?
Currently, I don't let her drink anything after 6:00 p.m. (her bedtime is about 7:30), and recently we've started getting her up to put on the toilet when we go to bed (10-11:00 p.m.). She usually pees when we get her up, but her pull-up is still usually wet in the morning (6-6:30 a.m.). Another thing is that we had a hard time motivating her to potty-train in the daytime last year. Although she's in daycare, peer pressure had no motivation at all for her, as she's never cared what other kids are doing. Also, she was in cloth diapers full-time for her first year, and while at home for her second year, and never cared about being in a wet/dirty diaper, she was quite happy to sit in her own mess until I checked her (which of course made me somewhat compulsive). It wasn't until I put her in underwear (so the pee would actually run down her legs) that it bothered her, and we rewarded her with stickers everytime she went, that we had success."
Suzanne (who blogs in a language that's not her native tongue even, which makes me feel more than a little inadequate) writes:
"I have a question that may be unusual, at least it's something I haven't seen discussed elsewhere. My almost 3.5-year-old is very frustrated, because he's still needing diapers at night. During the day there is no problem, with the exception of minor accidents that happen because he doesn't like to interrupt his play. He has started to go to preschool in February. He loves it, but it's still exiting for him. He's desperate to become a "big boy", and only two or three weeks ago he decided to give up his binky. The binky-weaning was no problem, I had realized that he fell asleep without one on his occasional naps, and asked him if he wanted to try going asleep without one at night as well.
I'd think that the beginning of preschool and the binky-weaning would have been enough for him, but he thinks that he wants to do it all at once. I told him, if he had dry diapers three mornings in a row, he could leave the diapers off at night. I even told him that a) most three-year-olds still wear diapers in the night, even if they tell him otherwise, and b) that this is something he has to grow into, not something to determine by willforce.
He is devastated. Every morning, his diaper is wet. I'm at a loss, because there's nothing I can do to help him, his body's just not ready. Any idea? I'd be happily washing seven diapers a week for the next one or two years, but he wants to grow up fast. It's like when he learned going potty. He started at 18 months to try it, at about 27 months he decided that he didn't want the diapers anymore, but it took him another six months to really get it. (And in between every diaper change became a power struggle.)"
It's interesting to me that Anna, who wants her daughter to be out of diapers at night, and Suzanne, who doesn't want her son out of diapers at night, are both thinking it through and wondering how it can happen since their kids are both still having wet diapers in the morning.
I was at that same point about 4 months after my older son was potty-trained during the day (he was day-trained at 28 months, so it was around 32 months)--wondering how to make the transition to underpants at night, too. What I'd heard was that he had to wake up dry anywhere from 3 to 5 nights in a row before I could take off the diaper at night. He'd go two nights in a row, then pee the third night. Or he'd wake up dry every other night for two weeks. It was starting to make me a little nuts, and I despaired that he'd ever be out of diapers at night.
I was beginning to have the suspicion that he wasn't ever going to just start waking up dry every morning. As I thought about it, it started to make sense that if he was wearing a diaper there was no motivation not to pee at night. There also wasn't much feedback, since even the cloth pull-up type of diaper prevented wet pajama-leg and cold wet sheets. Then I started to think about that adage about dressing for the position you want to have instead of the position you currently have, and wondered if that applied to nighttime potty-training, too. (I think this was while I was in the induction phase of the South Beach Diet, so my mind was going a little loopy from lack of carbs.)
I was almost at the point at which I was going to pick a start date and just go diaper-free at night, when serendipity in the form of bad communication occurred. I thought my husband was going to buy more diapers, and he thought I was going to buy them. So there stood my son after his bath, with no diapers in the house. My husband and I looked at each other and decided that was the night. So we explained to our son that he was a big boy who didn't need diapers at night anymore, and if he had to pee he should wake up and go to the bathroom. If he had an accident and peed in his pajamas he should come and wake us. Then we put the waterproof mattress pad on his bed under the sheet and hoped for the best.
He stayed dry for 2-3 out of every 4 days for those first few weeks. Sometimes we'd hear thump-thump-thump to the bathroom, followed by peeing and flushing, then thump-thump-thump back to his bead. Other nights we'd hear thump-thump-thump over to my husband's side of the bed and a stage-whispered "Daddy! I peed in my pajamas!" We'd change him and the bed and he'd go back to sleep. By the end of the first month he was wetting the bed maybe once a week, and changing his own pajama bottoms and just climbing in with us for the rest of the night. Within a few months he was having an accident maybe once a month, if that.
Now obviously I'm not saying that what happened with my son is going to happen exactly the same way with Anna's daughter and Suzanne's son. But I am saying that I think a parent could wait a looooong time for a kid to wake up dry every night if the kid is wearing diapers to bed. So why not just try going diaper-free for two weeks to see what happens? Pick a date, stock up on waterproof pads and bottom sheets (you can layer them in a little liquid-repellant napoleon so you can just peel off the top layers in the middle of the night), talk it up with your child to get him or her on board, and then just go diaperless on the appointed day.
After two weeks you can see where you are. If your child is waking up dry more nights than not, keep going. If s/he's still wetting the bed most nights, talk about it together. Maybe your child will want more help staying dry (like Anna's idea about waking her daughter up to pee when she and her husband go to bed), or maybe your child will want to go back into diapers for a month or two before trying again.
It's definitely going to make more laundry for you for the first couple of weeks, but it could go so well that your child will be mostly accident-free within a month. You never know if you don't try. And the worst-case scenario is that you wash a bunch of peed-on sheets and still end up back where you are right now. Especially in Suzanne's case, since her son so desperately wants to be out of diapers at night, it seems like it's more painful for him not to be allowed to try than it would be to try and fail, so why not let him try?
Did anyone else just go cold turkey out of diapers at night? If so, how old was your child, and how long did it take to have mostly dry weeks?
We struggle with this quite a bit in my house. My daughter is 4.5, and last spring/summer, she was officially out of her nighttime pull-ups. We had only very occasional accidents. But then, we had to switch her bedroom because we were having a new baby. And, of course, the new baby arrived. And then, my husband and I separated, temporarily. Well, the poor kid went through a lot. And the accidents got much more frequent, so she went BACK into pullups.
She really wants to be out of them, and sometimes I let her skip them. But, when she DOES have an accident, it's THREE loads of laundry - sheets and pad, comforter, duvet. The research I've done online indicates that some kids don't have full control of nighttime wetting until they are 5 or 6. And, once she was sleeping with me when she wet the bed, and though the sound of the stream woke me up (ewwww), she was fast asleep.
I feel terrible about pressuring her about this if it is truly a physical issue. Then again, it only became a problem when she went through a tough emotional time. So, for her maybe it ISN'T physical? ARGH - sorry for being no help at all, but this is a big issue for my household as well. The one thing I have realized from writing this, though, is that we need to lose the duvet while she is working on this issue, LOL. Talk about creating problems for oneself!!
Posted by: foodmomiac | May 17, 2006 at 10:46 AM
My son became day trained right around his third birthday (he started pre-school just before his third birthday and he was trained but I remember really worrying about it). Then, when he was 3 and 3 months, we had a new baby. I was more than happy to table the night thing for awhile.
He went diaper free for the night for the first time on his fourth birthday. With the new baby, and then school ending, and then vacations during the summer, and then school starting up again...we never felt like the time was right. Plus, his diaper was wet half the time when he woke up in the morning. A few weeks before his fourth birthday by husband set up a sticker chart for dry diapers in the morning. He did really well, and after the two weeks were up we went cold turkey. The only accident he's had has been when he was sick. I think he was so accident free because we waited so long, but since he didn't seem to mind I wouldn't change it.
Posted by: meg | May 17, 2006 at 11:11 AM
My thoughts:
1. My daughter was easy -- she decided no more diapers, and that was that (an accident or two, but nothing major!) But since this is not typical, I'll relate two other stories.
2. My sister (10 years younger than I am) was about 3 and day-time trained, but still in diapers at night when she said to my mother "wear diaper at night, don't have to go to potty." That very night, NO MORE DIAPERS -- and no accidents. So, maybe the kids just know that if they are wearing a diaper they do not have to worry about getting up.
3. And, maybe the child is a bed-wetter. I was a bed-wetter until I was about 8 years old or so. I don't remember when or how it stopped -- but it certainly wasn't a choice I was making!
Posted by: Kathy | May 17, 2006 at 12:32 PM
Our kids are 5+, and as Moxie knows (because I wrote about it in my comment to the last potty-training post), I had more or less decided that the kids were NEVER going to wake up dry for so long as they slept in Good-Night diapers. (We had to switch out of pull-ups because they leaked. A Lot.)
So, we're five or six days into the experiment, with the girls only, and it's been entirely hit-or-miss as to who wakes up dry and who doesn't. I was just going to ask Moxie, in fact, how long she thought I should tough this out, because neither girl has stayed dry two nights in a row. (Our son still "leaks," copiously, during the day, only going to the potty if he's reminded constantly, and even then still leaking 2 times out of 3, no matter how soon I asked, so...no, not trying nighttime dryness with him any time soon.)
As for the laundry issue, Moxie, your kids must be light-yet-still sleepers, because (a) my kids are sleeping through the accident every time [I woke up with Gemma next to me, and she'd peed in OUR bed, and I was wet, too -- then again, I didn't wake up because of the pee, so maybe this oblivion is hereditary?] and (b) they soak everything -- bottom sheet, top sheet, and quilt. Also, they scrunch the waterproof pad into a tiny ball and pee around it. So it's been laundry fun time around here, to put it mildly.
I guess I'll have to get back to you at the end of next week, to tell you whether we've had any improvement.
Oh, and I'm waking the girls up before I go to bed, FWIW.
Posted by: Jody | May 17, 2006 at 01:07 PM
My son was fairly easy -- he was daytime and naptime trained by 3 1/2 years old and then nighttime happened by the time he was 4. We just decided at some point to stop using pullups and he got it fairly quickly. He still had occasional (maybe 1-2 times/month) until he was 5, though. But really not a big problem, just an infrequent inconvenience.
My daughter was a whole different story. She was daytime and naptime trained before she was 3 years old. But for the life of us, we couldn't get her to stay consistently dry at night. We tried the underwear route many, many times and it always failed. The middle of the night drama and laundry every day were just too much. It was very frustrating. Finally, about 2 months before her 5th birthday, we invested in a bedwetting alarm (ours is a Malem, got it from http://www.bedwettingstore.com). It wasn't an instant fix, but it worked! In less than 2 months she was dry every night and has been ever since January of this year. One of the best parenting decisions we've made. My daughter is so proud of her accomplishment.
Posted by: iheartnewyork | May 17, 2006 at 01:08 PM
Oh, also I should say, we tried every "trick" in the book with my daughter before resorting to the alarm. Limiting fluids, taking her to the bathroom around 11 pm, waking her in the morning to go, a reward system, even Hyland's bedwetting tablets. She just slept right through every accident -- she really needed to learn to feel what her body was doing and the alarm was what finally did it.
Posted by: iheartnewyork | May 17, 2006 at 01:12 PM
My son was trained during the day at 3.3years old, but still wore a diaper or pull-up at night. Occasionally if he was dry at night for most of a week we'd try underwear at night. We'd say "let's see if your body is ready." But after a few accidents we'd go back to pull-ups. He never seemed bothered by it, because we just told him that "that's okay, it just means your body's not ready yet."
We had a problem with pull-ups leaking at night. What I recommend for that is a large flannel-coated waterproof mat, about 2 or 3ft square. We'd keep it handy in his room, and then if he leaked at night, we wouldn't have to change the sheets, we'd just put the mat over the wet spot and he'd go back to sleep.
We also tried waking him up around midnight for a while to take him to the bathroom, and then he'd usually stay dry for the rest of the night, but it didn't seem to help his body learn so I don't recommend it.
At about 4.7years old it turned out his body was ready, and he's been dry at night ever since.
Posted by: lynn | May 17, 2006 at 02:15 PM
First of all, I want to thank you all for answering my question. As it is, my son decided to postpone the diaper-weaning for a while. I think, he's mostly relieved about it, but there may be mixed feelings. Tonight he insisted on putting his doll to bed as well. (He hasn't done this since Christmas.) when I asked him, whether the doll should be wearing a diaper he said, "She has to wear a diaper, because she's small like me. She's only three years old, so she has to wear a diaper."
So, suddenly he's small again. But for the next round of the diaper-challenge, I'll surely try to let him decide when to leave the diaper off.
Posted by: Susanne | May 17, 2006 at 03:04 PM
Jody, maybe you should get a front-loading washing machine and then make the girls do their own laundry when they wet the bed. (I was joking, but then in rereading the statement doesn't it sound like something that would have been written seriously in a parenting manual from the 1940s?) Also, I think the covers aren't an issue because El C always kicks off all his covers earlier in the night than any bedwetting occurred.
Iheartnewyork (and who doesn't?) always has the best links for me. First Ask Ausiello, now http://www.bedwettingstore.com/. (Seriously, how did people live without the internet? There's a whole store for supplies for people with kids who wet the bed.)
Oh, and for any New Yorkers in the crowd, if you take your kid to see the Snowshow, s/he will wet the bed that night from the excitement.
Posted by: Moxie | May 17, 2006 at 03:33 PM
Wow, Moxie, thanks for the recommendation, that show looks great! I'd never heard of it. I'll have to get us tickets for sometime this summer -- a snowstorm in the heat of the summer sounds so appealing.
Posted by: iheartnewyork | May 17, 2006 at 04:20 PM
Thanks to everyone for your experiences and suggestions. We had tried going cold turkey shortly after the daytime potty training, stuck with it about a week with no success. The experience (lots of night time waking) left my husband reluctant to try again, but it sounds like it's one of those things we just need to keep trying periodically until we happen upong the magic age for her. Or we buy a bed-wetting alarm, if it goes on long enough!
Posted by: Anna | May 17, 2006 at 05:41 PM
My daughter was day and nap time trained at age 3 after using cloth diapers. Bedtime has seen diapers, pull ups, underpants (and loads and loads of laundry in the morning) and now back to pull ups with nothing more than 4 nights in a row dry. I suggested to her a new toy if she was dry x number of days. She picked 4 days and picked a $5 stuffed animal why she reached those 4 days. She now say she wants a two wheeler when she is dry 7 nights. It is going to take a long time since we only have about 1 dry night a week.
We have layer sheets and waterproof pads on her bed for night time changes. She goes to bed by 8:30 and we wake her when we go to bed between 10-11. She still wet each night sometimes more that once. My husband says he had issues for a while so I'm not expecting an easy fix but it is wearing me out.
Posted by: Katie | May 18, 2006 at 09:33 AM
I just thought I would mention something that we found was a contributing factor to the whole bedwetting thing (once you have dealt we other more obvious contributers).
Being too cool. Kids that are just slightly too cool overnight loose a lot less fluid through sweat and are more likely to wet, or need to go to the toilet. Our daughter was night trainied very quickly, but was waking up a lot at night needing to go to the toilet, our son would just compleatly fill his night pull up, and the "overflow" would wet the bed. Adding a very thin cotton blanket to what was already on the bed stopped the night waking/wetting.
The tricky part about adding a thin blanket is that if you add one that makes the kid too warm, they kick off thier covers and get cold anyway.
This trick only really works if the child is ready in other ways.
Posted by: Claire Gee | May 21, 2006 at 12:27 AM