I'm Here To Help

A few days ago I was reading a friend's blog. She's a new mom, and she posted that she'd read something in a book that helped her figure out an aspect of her child's routine. A few commenters posted that they were glad she'd had this insight, etc. But others started falling all over themselves to declare their total devotion to the author of the book. One mom said the author was her "hero." Another said she had "undying love for" the author and saw him as almost a benevolent relative to her children.

I don't think they realize that he's not the only person who knows this particular bit of information about babies.

When my mom was here after El Chico was born, she was reading my copy of a popular parenting book by a different author. About five pages into it she screwed up her face and said, "Does this guy think he invented this? We were doing this back in the 70s, only we just thought it was normal."

That's got to be the thing I hate third-most about parenting: No matter what path you take, there's someone who's written a book telling you that there's only One True Way, and if you deviate from it you're going to raise children who have no control/are too tightly controlled/are too dependent on you/aren't attached to you/won't ever sleep through the night/won't be good Christians/will turn into fundamentalists of one sort or another/will wet their beds until they're teenagers/won't come visit you when you're 90/won't be able to learn Latin/will only speak in Pig Latin. And they act like this dogma is a huge revelation that only they've had. So not only do you have to do what they say, you have to think they're the only ones who could have come up with their position.

All this is a really roundabout way of saying that none of us has unique information. Sears doesn't, Weissbluth doesn't, Ferber doesn't, Leach doesn't, Spock didn't, Hogg didn't, Pantley doesn't, Supernanny doesn't, even Ina May doesn't. Dobson doesn't, Cohen doesn't, Karp doesn't, Faber and Mazlisch don't, and Gary Ezzo certainly doesn't. Your MIL doesn't. My mom doesn't. Your pediatrician doesn't. And I don't. All these people (including me) have done is gathered the wisdom of the universe, digested it, and spit it out with their own personal biases.

So before you read what anyone else says about raising kids, stop and think about the fact that you know your child best. Not me or any of those other people. We can give you ideas, or help you see things in a new way, or make you feel better or worse about what you're doing. But you're the one who knows. So trust your instincts. And keep on rocking the mama thing.

Comments

[Melissa]

I'm so glad you wrote this! I think a lot of moms, first-time moms in particular, don't trust themselves. I know I didn't. I thought I needed expert advice. While some of it was useful, a lot of it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Every time I've gone against what feels natural to me, I've regretted it later. Maybe newer moms will learn this lesson sooner than I did!

[Brooklyn Girl]

Thanks for posting this, friend. I think it's true that none of the "experts" out there have an exclusive deal with the truth, but when you're feeling insecure about your parenting skills, having someone tell you The One True Thing in a way that makes sense to you (even when others have told you the exact same thing before but you weren't listening and/or just didn't understand) can seem like a miracle.

[Jen P]

Yeah!! I'm so, so thrilled to see this up Moxie. I too have been left so shattered by the illusion of motherhood that I just want someone to TELL me what's right, even if maybe it doesn't FEEL right.

So it's always good to hear that intuition and trusting that you do know your own kid is the way to go. So excited to see this blog up!!

Best wishes to you and yours.

[MFA Mama]

I keep learning that one the hard way...after being in the hospital all last week with the baby listening to him cough and them telling me "oh, reflux babies have secretions," and then listening to the pediatrician tell me the same thing on Friday, we ended up at the local teaching hospital again yesterday with a baby half-dead from RSV. I KNEW there was something else going on, and brought it up, but I should have made a bigger stink about it...sigh.

[MFA Mama]

Oh yeah--the moral of the story. NEVER LET ANYONE DISMISS YOUR CONCERNS IF YOU THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR BABY. And if the doctor gives you a patronizing look and asks pointedly if this is your first baby, punch them in the nose.

[Lisa C.]

You go Moxie! Rock on with your bad self.

[k]

ah, well put my dear :)
so happy you started up this little advice shop...

[beaver girl]

So happy to see you do this! Amen! Great start!

As a new mom - I can tell you the hardest thing to do is to trust your instincts when you are scared and stressed and nothing is working. Unfortunately, no one gets rich writing books that say "you already have the answers - just believe in yourself".

that's why we need you, Moxie!

[Yolanda]

Awesome and very true first post. Can't wait to read more :)

[wix]

yay moxie!

okay, i have a question for you, but it's totally not parenting-related. it's about baking.

i use my grandmother's gingerbread recipe to make the gooeyest, most delicious gingerbread ever. problem is, the sides always bake faster than the center, and while the center is technically -done-, it's kind of sinky in the middle. hers never came out that way, but i follow her instructions to the letter.

i'll send you the recipe if you're willing to take this on, if it's not a fairly common problem that you know the solution to off the top of your head.

[Moxie]

Wix, are you baking it in the same size pan she baked it in? And if she used a convection oven and you use a regular one that might do it, too. If none of these are different, then try taking the baking temp down 25 degrees and baking it a little longer to see if the lower longer heat will fix the problem.

[Rayne of Terror]

Or try a round casserole dish for baking. Sometimes square pans end up with drier corners and wetter middles.

[Melanie (Phila)]

Yeah, Wix, I agree that your oven may be too hot.

Moxie-- at some point maybe there should be a pregnancy primer thingy? So other moms can find out about the sleep/flax oil thing before they deliver?

[Moxie]

Melanie, that's a great idea. I think I should also do a products I like/products I hate list. I'll get on those in a few days.

[Dee]

You were there for me when I was a wreck about the BF and you had such kind words and helpful advice. How I needed and appreciated that. And now to see that you're gearing up to help others folks too? Well, hell woman, I am looking forward to learning lots of good stuff and plenty of Moxie-isms! Thanks for starting this site up. Can't wait to see all the good stuff to come :-)

[wix]

yeah, i am pretty sure i'm baking it in the exact same pan she used (all my kitchen equip is inherited from either her or my mom).

i'll try the longer-lower-heat method, at 300 instead of 330. if that doesn't work, i'll try rayne's suggestion.

i am determined to perfect this. this means we are going to get fat on gingerbread. well, i'm going to get fatTER, and CX and NC will just be tubby along with me.

[Menita]

So happy you are doing this!!! So, so happy!

[Cecily]

This blog will make you RICH! Rich, I tell you! Soon you will be swimming in $$$$!

LOL.

Glad to see it up and running.

[Kristin]

Hi Wix,

I suspect that Moxie and Rayne's suggestions are better...but your gingerbread tale reminded me of when I tried to make my great-grandmother's shortbread recipe. The batch I made in the 8x8 Pyrex pan came out a little funky - tasty, but the consistency was off, as if the butter had melted too much? - while the batch I made in the sturdy metal 8x8 Calphalon pan was a thing of beauty that would have made my grandfather proud. Could something like this have anything to do with the gingerbread? Good luck -

[Elise]

OHMYGOD, I'm so tired of people pledging their lifelong adoration for writers of those parenting books, it is sooooooooo tiresome. I read two parenting books when my daughter was first born, because I had never so much as been alone with a baby in my entire life, so I wanted a little bit of guidance. But early on, I discovered that I knew so much more about her than I thought I would, just because she was mine. I'll never forget how proud I was when she was a month old - we went to dinner at my grandmother's house and all the relatives were oohing and aahing over here. I was still getting the hang of nursing and just trying to manage to feed myself too. All of a sudden she started crying, really loudly. My husband and I took one look at each other and said, "She's hot." We just knew! We changed her into something lighter and she was instantly happier. Only four weeks after we had met her for the first time, we knew just what she needed. Go us!

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Ok, preggo here. What's the sleep/flax thing? Inquiring minds want to know!

[Linda B]

I like the idea of this site!
Glad I finally found it. I've been alittle behind in blogland.

[Jezer]

Jumped over from 2badladies to read your rant. You are Right On.

[linda]

moxie, i've only recently discovered your blog, which is a happy combo of expert advice and words of wisdom from an experienced mom, consolidated in a user-friendly format (most of the message boards and forums are simply too time-consuming and difficult to filter through). i loved your thoughts on "sleep regression" which was how i found your site. however, i'm not sure i would have benefited, in my earlier days as a mother, from your views on the instant issue of "trusting your own instincts." as a mother of a generally healthy and happy 5-mo.-old, i knew next to nothing about the in's and out's of taking care of a newborn. had i not been given friendly advice by friends/family or read weissbluth's book, i would have had a more difficult time coping with the first few months. for instance, i now know that my baby was sleep-deprived the first month or two because i had no idea that infants generally need to sleep within 2 hours or so after waking (thought she was just being colicky, not tired). another example: didn't realize early on that my baby needed to suck for non-nutrient purposes and so might have overfed her at times. granted, if i had paid more attention (unlikely given the sleep deprivation and baby blues) or been more of the domestic/maternal type, i could have figured things out on my own, but being who i was/am, i just didn't, without external sources. anyway, my point being, everyone is built differently, and some of us need more help than others, and i'm glad i consulted with others/experts or would have continued struggling (and been frustrated) with motherhood. contrary to popular opinion, the maternal instinct isn't naturally within ALL of us; it has to be cultivated... :)