We must, indeed, all suck together, or assuredly we shall all suck separately

It's been a long time since I really, really thought about breastfeeding.

I breastfed both of my kids, for longer than the US norm is, and I'm glad that I could. It was one (well, two) of the most simultaneously fulfilling and irritating experiences I can imagine.

But I don't think about it much anymore, because my kids are long past that stage. I'm too worried about getting into Kindergarten and balancing work trips with my custody schedule for the kids and mindfucking the emotional fallout for my kids of my getting divorced and researching karate classes and helping them navigate elementary school friendships.

The only time how I fed my babies comes up in my life (when I'm not answering a question on Ask Moxie about it) anymore is when I'm sitting around talking and drinking with other moms. At some point the conversation will turn to how *big* the kids are now and how we can't believe it. And then we'll tell baby stories. Sometimes they include stories of how we fed our kids, especially if the story is horrifying, like answering the door with the flaps of a nursing bra down, or having a mother-in-law mix up a whole days' worth of pricey formula and leave it out of the fridge to go bad, not knowing. But it's just part of The Lore of Motherhood, and we commiserate and roll our eyes at each other, the way our mothers still do with their friends.

So it shocks me again, the way it did when I was pregnant and complete strangers would ask me if I planned to nurse, that people are still so tied up in knots about nursing a baby. It is a completely normal function of the female body, and no one should bat an eye at a woman doing it. But, at the same time, sometimes it doesn't work out for a gazillion reasons that are not my business and in those cases thank God, THANK GOD for formula.

But here's the thing: Once you're done nursing or formula feeding, it's not in your life every day anymore. How it worked or didn't for you is history. It probably still has some emotional resonance, but it's not consuming you like it did. Which means that the people for whom nursing or not nursing is important and vital and heartbreaking are the very people who have the least time, energy, and bandwidth to advocate for themselves. So those of us with kids old enough to make their own sandwiches are the ones who really need to be taking up this fight.

The fight I'm talking about is normalizing feeding babies. By the breast or by the bottle. Creating a society in which the culture supports women feeding their babies in any location babies are allowed to be, without shame or fear of reproach. Where women are not asked to justify their feeding methods or told to cover themselves up. Where we're honest about breastmilk being the best food for babies, and where we don't use duplicitous methods to sell formula. Where women get accurate information about breastfeeding and formula feeding and are allowed to make the choice (if they have one) that's best for their families and then supported, no matter what that decision is. Where we as a culture talk routinely about breastfeeding issues without shaming women, those who breastfeed and those who don't. Where we actually have legislation that allows women to spend enough time to establish breastfeeding and then guarantees that they can pump in the workplace to maintain breastfeeding for as long as they want to.

What if we all became lactivists, advocating for more legal protections and support structures for breastfeeding? And what if, at the same time, we became advocates for mothers who feed formula? What if we all started showing a little more cleavage, because breasts are multi-purpose?

I have a dream in which a woman nursing her baby and a woman feeding her baby formula and a woman who just likes to show off her knockers in low-cut tops can all sit in the same booth at the same restaurant and compliment each others' shoes while they eat. And the old-school, Flo-like server will walk up and ask them how everything is and tell them how cute the babies are with no subtext. And the old guys at the next booth won't even pay attention to any of it. That is my dream.

Won't you help me make it a reality? If we all join together, we can make things better for every mother of a babe in arms.

1. When you see a mother with a baby, say, "Wow--your baby looks so healthy and happy! You must be doing a great job!"

2. If you're a breastfeeding mom, and you have a choice about where to feed, sit down next to a mom feeding a baby from a bottle, and start a conversation about something not related to feeding.

3. Don't hide your breasts when you feed your kid, whether you're nursing or using a bottle. Be as discreet as you personally want to be, but don't cover up just because someone told you you should.

4. If you're out in public and you see a woman feeding a baby, give her a smile. And a piece of chocolate, if you have one.

5. Defend and protect. If you see a feeding mom being harassed in any way, step in the way you would if you saw big kids picking on little kids at the playground.

6. Talk about feeding babies with your kids, so they grow up knowing that babies need to be fed and that you fed your children and they'll feed their own kids. The circle of life.

If those of us who have more emotional bandwidth to think about the long-term effects on us of how society treated us while we fed our kids can be very specific in fighting back, this insane fuck-you to moms who feed their babies will finally end.

Then all we'll have is the fight for legislation protecting nursing, allowing for decent maternity leave, and protecting pumping time in the workplace.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Amen!

[persephone]

Moxie, I couldn't love this more.

In my circle, covering up is not even the issue; the pressure is not to let others know that you're nursing, even if you ARE covered(!!) So that's the fight I focus on: women should not have to leave the room to nurse if they don't want to, if other people are uncomfortable let THEM leave, etc.

The only thing I would differ with is I don't believe "the right to pump in the workplace" goes NEARLY far enough. Pumping is hard (and often unpleasant) work, and so much more challenging to the supply-demand system. It's just that much harder for the body to respond to a machine than to a baby.

I'm grateful there are pumps for the same reason I'm grateful there's formula - when breastfeeding isn't working right, a pump is a lifesaver! I know that firsthand; my breastfeeding relationship with my twins would not have existed without a pump.

But it seems obvious that breastfeeding was not designed to work via pumping on a regular basis. The law should give women maternal leave OR access to on-site daycare for the entire first year, IMO.

[Ariel]

I think it will be a long time before the sting of being excluded from a mom's group because I couldn't breastfeed will fade. Or the feeling of shame and humiliation I felt whenever i mixed up a bottle and got the evil eye from other women. I would stand up for their right to breastfeed wherever and whenever - I wish they could have stood up for me...or at least not ostrascized me.

[coach purses]

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[Luschka]

I love the 'emotional bandwith' concept. It's true. I'm still nursing my 9 month old and thhe 'breastfeeding debate' is very raw and emotional for me at the moment. But I do like the thought of advocating later too. Great post.

[zigmom]

As someone who had to abandon and grieve the breastfeeding relationship, this post was so comforting to read! Bottlefeeding feels so stigmatizing when it wasn't your first (or second, or third, ...) choice. Thank You, Moxie!

[Rachel]

Amen, amen, amen! I am now bfing my 13-mo.-old, I'm glad when my older daughter's friends (preK) see me doing it at pickup time, in the park, at the pool. I want it to be a normal experience for people of all ages to see and understand. And I want a stronger sisterhood of moms, not just bfing ones or formula ones. Fabulous post!

[Elvarnes]

Well said!

[Fearless Formula Feeder]

This. Is. Awesome.

I'm linking to it in a post. Hope that's okay. This is just too good not to share with my readers!

[Snarky Mommy]

Nursing my third (and final) baby these days. She's seven months and I BF the other two for a full year each, no formula at all. On one side, I have a MIL who is totally supportive and really proud of me and the BFinf. On the other, I have my mom and sister who have vocalized their "disgust" with public BF and don't understand why I BF at all. It's been interesting trying to educate them.

But as much of a BF advocate that I am, I also say all the time that I am thankful formula exists because if this was 100 years ago on the prairie, moms who couldn't BF would have babies who died. Thankfully, we have a choice and a substitute.

[Janetlansbury]

Thanks for this beautiful post -- finally one about the feeding debate that I completely relate to. I breastfed 3 children into their second year. It was the ONLY part of parenting that came naturally to me. After reading many, many heartbreaking stories, I now realize that I took the ease of breastfeeding for granted.

Even though my eldest is 17 and my youngest is 8, and the method I used to feed my babies seems like the LEAST important part of their upbringing, I can see that new moms need our support -- more than ever -- for their feeding choices. As new mothers we are at our most vulnerable. We're prone to depression, insecurity, and self-judgment. The people that lose out when moms are unsupported are their babies.

[Moxie]

Link away, FFF.

Janet, thanks for the perspective. That's exactly what hit me. I have NO idea how the parents of my kids' friends fed them (except for the ones I met in new mom group). But our hurts over this are still a little sore, for all of us.

[dining room tables]

I am looking for this kind of blog. A blog that can give me information that I can also use. I was very lucky that at last I found your blog.

[dreams]

Love this post soooo much! I breastfed my first for over two years, and had every intention of nursing my second just as long. It didn't work out. I am SO IRRITATED with so-called lactivists who think "it didn't work out" is code for "I didn't feel like it." In fact, "it didn't work out" is shorthand for "I don't feel like sharing my whole saga of domperidone and pumping until I bled and watching my baby develop failure to thrive" with every passing acquaintance who raised an eyebrow at seeing my baby drink from a bottle. I am incredibly grateful that there is a convenient, safe, nutritious food I was able to buy at my local store.

[Stephanieburgis]

YES. Thank you so much for this - I'm currently breastfeeding my 22-month-old, and I really needed to read this.

[AmyinMotown]

HOw did I not know you were back to posting here? This is amazing, so, so good. I think I'm just posting a link to this next time someone says something about feeding babies that pisses me off. One of your greatest hits, Moxie.

[Nurse M. All]

I dunno, I don't think you can call formula feeding an equally valid choice when it is more than 50% sugar. No thanking God for formula please -- if I ever ended up, say, adoptive nursing and couldn't make a full supply (and didn't have friends willing to donate their milk), I'd definitely research making my own formula before I fed that crap you can get in the stores. I'd like to see formula feeding and its associated risks (and there are many) really discouraged. Support and help is out there, has been out there for decades if women will just seek it out.

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Iam very proud that you breastfed for both of my kids,I can say u r such a loveable mom to ur babies.. www.vivamagonline.com This is the best way to my baby a Healthy one..Keep up the excellent work..

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[Joy]

One of my best nursing mama moments was at a community festival...I had my 3 month old with me and had to find a place to nurse. So, there I was, behind a lunch stand when one of the lunch stand workers brought me a FREE bottle of water.

It was lovely--especially since I was feeling a bit self conscious!

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It's so nice to have you do all of the research for us. It makes our decision making so much easier!! Thanks.

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