I'd love to post more, but this whole thing has just cracked open a huge mass of seething anger and rage about a lot of things that I think would be too frightening for people. So if you want to know how I'm feeling right now, just Google '"blue october" lyrics' and pretty much whatever comes up will be pretty accurate.
Moving on....
One of my best heart-friends and I haven't talked in almost half a year, and we got back in touch this morning (he's on a different continent right now), and he's found the love of his life and is engaged! I could not be more thrilled for him, as I knew he wasn't sure he'd ever find her, but he's just got so much love inside him and will make a wonderful husband.
I reacted to the news by bursting into happy tears, thinking "Thank God it actually works for some people," and realizing that my passport has been expired for a long time. So I finally went and got a passport photo taken (hilariously awful!) and then was thwarted by the whole renew-by-mail system because my last passport expired so long ago. I applied for that one the day the Rodney King verdict was announced, so yeah, a long time ago. Now I'm going to have to go stand in line for this thing. Which is why I've delayed so long anyway.
Dwelling on these petty annoyances is good.
If you feel like venting, fling me an email; I'm a very good listener (and promise I won't give platitudes.)
Posted by: Kathy B. | May 18, 2009 at 02:46 PM
ON line. Stand ON line in NYC.
You and Jen need a tutorial.
Posted by: Kate | May 19, 2009 at 01:10 AM
Mind the gap.
Cracking open and getting the anger out is good. Messy and painful but much much better than keeping it in and buried. Perhaps you needed to get to this point to really be ready for the love that awaits you?
Posted by: andrea | May 19, 2009 at 09:25 AM
Andrea, I really think I did. I mean, I *thought* I'd been through some experiences, but had never really, truly deeply just felt that "honestly, how the hell am I going to be able to deal with 50 more years of this?" feeling before. I've lost a lot in my lifetime, but had always retained a sense that the world was sort of vaguely benevolent. That's gone completely, so there's nowhere to go but up.
And, yes, I realize everyone else went through this at age 21. I blame my parents for making me think everything was going to be OK if I just kept Doing a Good Job.
Posted by: Moxie | May 19, 2009 at 12:37 PM
Oh honey. The Doing A Good Job thing. I know it well--it ain't enough to live on.
Do let the anger play, do take time to be with it and the fear. Kurmasana (tortoise) is a great pose for this if you do yoga (I forget if you do) but try to do it with someone there. Breathe with all this stuff. It's not that it will go away, but as you face it it will own you less. And remember, the bad stuff hasn't stopped you from being amazing and doing beautiful things--you still get to own all of those things as you heal.
Be well, Moxie. Thinking about you.
Posted by: Charisse | May 19, 2009 at 03:05 PM
For future passport photos you could take them yourself with a digital camera. I just did this with my infant twins (I was imagining an impossible scene when allowing local drugstore employee to try to photograph my squirmy little ones) and it was painless. It did take quite a few outtakes to get them looking directly at me, but once I got a good face shot I uploaded to portraitbooth dot com and they have a great template that makes a printable 4X6 picture pdf that I downloaded and got printed at walmart. Easy peasy and, as a bonus, I got a decent shot of myself for about 19 cents without having to go out in public.
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