Moxie

Actual conversation with my 6 1/2-year-old

They're renovating the basement of our building, which was nothing before, just scariness, and is going to be a laundry room. We're not allowed to go see it yet, for liability reasons.

Him (trying to make me laugh): When it's done, will loitering be allowed?

Me (laughing): Yes. I think it will be a loitering-encouraged zone. Like our apartment. All loitering all the time.

Him: They should just rename apartments "loitering chambers," because that's all people do in them.

Word nerd power, activate.

Misheard by preschoolers

So the little guy and I are hanging by ourselves today. My babysitter went away for Thanksgiving last night, and my older one's at school, so the little guy and I have been playing and dancing to the '80s channel.

He's gotten really interested in what the lyrics of the songs are saying, and keeps saying, "I know what this song is!"

So far, he's heard:

"Keep your hands to yourself! Just wike my teachers say!" (Georgia Satellites "Keep Your Hands to Yourself")

"The heat is awful!" (Glen Frye "The Heat is On")

"They're singing about eggs!" (ZZ Top "Legs")

"It's a song about a monkey!" (George Michael "Monkey")

I think he's doing pretty well with the '80s.

You guys must have affected my subconscious

Last night I had a dream that I was kissing a man with a full beard! And in the dream it was pretty hot. No idea who he was, though. Shortish hair, brown. Nothing else stood out, and it was just a short snippet of a dream.

Professor Mama, I was thinking about that after I posted. Was I saying something mean about men? How would I feel if they were critiquing me? But then I thought about it and realized that all I was critiquing was something most men have full control over, not something they can't control. And that I'd be completely fine with men doing the same thing about women's hairstyles. But I also agree that you're absolutely right that it's the total package. I've been thinking of beards like this, and not thinking about the whole package of a guy who can really carry off a beard.

So, to the hot men of the world with beards, I apologize. I stand behind my no-mustache stance, though.

And to all of you women who were going on about how hot your husbands are, where did you find these men? Do they have brothers?

Edited to add: Also, a-dogg, the show True Blood is porn. There's no way around it. The opening credits are the best I've ever seen, as they make it very clear that the show is about sex, religion, and blood. I have never watched anything like it before, and I'm completely sucked in, but there are times when it's almost too much. There are so many layers, though--the entire thing is this winky allegory of gay rights and the whole relationship of the different Christian and secular communities to that, but then there's this whole gay thing on top of that, and then a racial thing on top of that. And it's funny and predictable and scary and shocking. I dig it, but will probably never read the books. And I wonder if people who aren't at least a little familiar with all the different strains of American Christianity would get as much out of it as I am? But I also thought the movie Dogma was hilarious.

Men and facial hair: A treatise

I have been paying very careful attention to men and their facial hair lately. These are my conclusions:

Clean shave: A man cannot go wrong by being clean-shaven. A clean shave is the James Bond of facial hairstyles: sophisticated, powerful, and ready for action. No matter what a man's face looks like, whether he's got a strong jaw or no jaw, chiseled cheekbones or John McCain cheekbags, he looks good with a clean shave.

Shadow: Scruff is also hot. The secret reason I (am I'm assuming other women, and men) like a clean-shaven man: The next-morning scruff. It's the male equivalent of bedroom hair, and makes us feel like we're seeing a secret extra-sexy side of you. George Michael knew how to work it in the '80s, and it's still a look that makes hearts beat.

Full beard: Meh*. Awesome if you're a Catholic priest in Northern California, Uncle Jesse, the model for the line drawings of the '70s edition of The Joy of Sex, or a homicidal maniac. Otherwise you just kind of look like you don't care, or you're spending way too much time planning your upcoming expedition to the South Pole to think about anything else.

Full beard with long hair: No. Unless you are also carrying a bass guitar in a bag and have a sexy South American accent and smile at me while you're waiting for your coffee at the place across the street from my apartment. Then yes.

Mustache alone: Are you Tom Selleck? Clark Gable? If the answer to these questions is "no," then you cannot wear a mustache alone. I'm sorry. You may, however, move straight into the Zone of Hottness with...

A goatee: My personal kryptonite, a goatee just says, "I'm a little bit troublesome, in the good way." It's a statement, and looks just as good with a tuxedo or a ripped T-shirt, on carpenters, CTOs, college professors, chefs, basically anyone. It frames a man's face the way shaped eyebrows shape a woman's.

Verdict: For maximum appeal, men should go with a clean shave or a goatee, and avoid a full beard or mustache.

Agreement? Dissenting opinions?

*What is it with "meh" this week? First Mark Peters gets explanatory and funny on it, then Ben Zimmer gets referee-ish on it. I never thought people didn't think it was a word, as my friends and I have been saying--not typing, saying--it for at least 15 years. Don't hate the playas, people; hate the game: New words are all around us, all the time.

A small political rant

There are rumors that Rudy Giuliani is considering running for Governor of New York.

If that happens, I will volunteer as much of my time possible for whoever is running against him. Even if that person is loathsome and reprehensible. Heck, I'd even volunteer for Sarah Palin over Rudy Giuliani.

Eight years of fascism, three months of helping us through the World Trade Center attacks, and then turning around and viciously attacking the people of New York City in the media are enough for me. Let him carpetbag to some other state and leave us alone.

FWIW, I think David Paterson is doing just fine, considering that he had no clue he was going to be Governor so soon, and the mess he's been handed to deal with.

Bow-chicka-bow-bow

The fun and self-knowledge I got from the burlesque workshop just keeps on giving. But one humorous side effect is that I can no longer take off articles of clothing without going into the zone.

And that's funny when I'm getting into the shower and taking off my clothes, or changing into PJs at the end of the day in my bedroom. But it's extra-special-superfunny when I'm in public and doing something innocuous like taking off my coat in a restaurant.

Consider also that I colored my hair auburn for the performance, and it's longer than it's been in years, so I have this reddish mane now, and can't seem to stop shaking it like I'm a shampoo commercial.

So picture me sitting down in the cafe to do my freelance work (which is so! not! glamorous!) or to write a rant about bad pain-reliever ads. I put down my laptop, order my coffee, and then start unbuttoning my coat like a normal person. But as I hit that first button, a Pavlovian response starts to happen and I go into slo-mo with a kind of languorous-but-bass-heavy soundtrack in my head and instead of fumbling with the buttons I kind of pop them stylistically, then ease the coat off my shoulders and shake out my hair, then arch my back and ease into the seat.

It's re-fricking-diculous, yet it amuses me so much that I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.

Hmmm

What do you do when you see someone you love hurtling down the path to unhappiness and pain?

All work and no sleep makes Moxie something something

All this work and lack of sleep started to break me down a little. I'm still at my old job on Wednesdays and Thursdays through the end of the year, to deal with the hottest issues and train my replacement. On Wednesday morning I got up at 5:30 (after going to bed at 2:30, and after 4 1/2 hours of sleep the night before), did a bunch of work, ran the morning gauntlet, put on my big-girl underpants and my cowboy boots and went in to the office.

After stopping in for my twice-weekly tryst with my Swiss lover Jura (he's so steamy! and strong!) I got down to work. At some point I became aware of the fact that one of my soon-to-be-former coworkers is going to a convention in San Francisco in January.

Now, when normal people think about SF, they think about how beautiful it is there, or the hills, or even, say, the BFFs they have who live there. Not me. The first thing I thought was, "the cupcake!"

See, when I was there two years ago, a friend took me to buy cupcakes. And I was all, "OK, whatever," because even two years ago cupcakes were kind of over. But then she took me, and told me to get the chocolate caramel fleur de sel, and I did, and it's haunted me ever since. Thick chocolate cupcake, filled with caramel, topped with a thick ganache frosting, with fleur de sel on top. I got another two the next night. And since then I've had at least three incredibly vivid dreams that I'm eating one of the cupcakes. The kind of dream that makes me wake up all disoriented and jittery and wishing I had a cupcake.

So I walked over to see my coworker, and asked him if he could bring me back a cupcake. "Um, a cupcake?" he asked. "Yeah. You don't know," I replied. "What's the name of the bakery," he asked. "I'm not sure."

So he looked online and we found it and he clicked over to the site and I saw a photo of my cupcake and almost melted down right there. It was some strange kind of minigasm just from looking at a photo of a cupcake on the web. A gateau-gasm. But I could almost feel the cupcake, like when Bill looks at Sookie on "True Blood", and her soul and his lack of soul connect. Coworker glanced at me with concern and said, "Are you alright?" "Um, yeah," I said, "I think I'm just having a moment."

Was it carb porn? Bakery porn? Ganache porn? I don't know. I just know that I need that cupcake. Again and again and again.

Question

Who do you think would win a speech-off between Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Ronald Reagan?

Exhale

That was amazing. I am just so inspired.