When Wolverines Attack

I'm back. The visit with my parents (and brother, who came for the weekend) was great. I can't believe I survived the travel part.

The flight there was as uneventful as possible, although 80 minutes turned into 105 minutes because of headwinds. El Pequeño cannot sit still for more than 15 seconds. Ever. He's got to be bouncing on my lap, or singing, or crawling at my feet, or trying to crawl over the seat in front of us. No toy holds his attention for more than a minute. El Chico is such a good, easy traveler, it's like traveling with an adult. So I'm still blindsided by what a pain in the ass El P is on a plane.

The trip back was a different story. Our flight left at 7 am, and the airport is an hour from my parents' house, so I was up at 4 so we could leave at 5. Of course we left late, so when we got to the airport we had to be expedited through the lines (us and 10 other late New Yorkers) at check-in and security. We got on the plane at 6:54 for a 7:00 flight, and I was thankful to have made it. Ha.

At 7:30, the door to the cockpit was still open. And the cockpit was empty. A few minutes later two pilots came onto the plane, and our flight attendant (who was the spitting image of Leslie Nielsen, complete with officious manner and blank look) made the annoucement that the company had forgotten to schedule a co-pilot for our flight! A pilot who had his own flight in an hour was coming to help our pilot set up the cockpit for the flight, but he couldn't stay.

I wouldn't say I'm exactly a frequent flier, but I've flown 2-20 roundtrips every year for the past 15 years or so. And this was the first time I've ever heard of a company forgetting to schedule a co-pilot for a flight. Part of me wonders if the co-pilot showed up but was drunk or high. At any rate, they called some guy who got out of bed, put on his pilot duds, and had his butt in the co-pilot seat by 8:00.

We pushed away from the gate and taxied out, then sat there. And sat, and sat. After 30 minutes, the pilot announced that one of the lights on the computer had been blinking, and they fixed it, but whenever something like that happens they have to file an incident report. So we had to go back to the gate so they could do the paperwork.

At this announcement I almost puked. El Pequeño had been awake for 4 hours at this point, and we'd been seated on the plane for almost 2 hours, and he was bouncing around on my lap and trying to grab at my face. He's a real face-grabber, despite all my gentle scoldings and distractions and redirections. He lunges and grabs and cackles and scratches.  Which is normally barely tolerable, except that I'd forgotten the baby nail clippers and hadn't done any nail clipping in 5 days. So instead of a funny, overenthusiastic baby grabbing my cheeks, it was Edward Scissorhands on speed. Or a wolferine. A wolverine trying to gouge out my nostrils, rip out my hair, bite through my sweater, wing my glasses across the room, buck his head into my chin, and hurl himself off my lap.

And we weren't even close to taking off yet.

If Leslie Neilsen had come down the aisle at that moment I would have whipped out my credit card (because it's a "cash-free flight" now) and spent the money on 5 or 6 of those little bottles of vodka or rum or valium or whatever they had.

We took off shortly after 9, and landed at 10:15. I somehow managed to get the two carseats in the bags and a heavy duffel and my big travel backpack and our coats and El Chico's backpack to the taxi line. And then I installed the carseats with no help and no one holding El Pequeño while I wrestled with the fucking Britax monstrosity (that El Chico grew out of before he was even 3). And we got back to the apartment and I got all the stuff out of the taxi and into our building and into the elevator and into our apartment.

And then I found a beautiful chocolate bundt cake with ganache frosting and pink M&Ms on top waiting for me that El Grande made. And he left me a bunch of fruit-flavored chapsticks and a Toblerone dark. He is very sweet, when he's not downing wasabi like it's water. But I still think it's somehow his fault that I've given birth to a wolverine.

Next time I will zip El P into the carseat bag and check him, and bring the carseat on the plane with me.

Comments

[Menita]

"Edward Scissorhands on speed"
ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Loved the cake - how sweet!
And yes, absolutely, check the kids in on the next flight :)
Glad you survived it all.

[meghan]

Ack! We're flying with Cole on Saturday morning and now I'm totally freaked out (even though he was fine on a longer flight a few months ago). Luckily, it seems like you kept your wits about you. Or you're like me and you self-censor a little too much :)

[Ally]

Oh man, I would have been jumping out of my skin at that delay. Jamie's the same way. There's a window, and once that window has been exceeded, look the heck out.

Has EP started shoving his finger up your nose and then trying to yank it off your face yet? Good, good times.

[Lala]

Now I understand the meltdown comment over at Momo's. I would have flown that plane myself.

[Rowan]

So instead of a funny, overenthusiastic baby grabbing my cheeks, it was Edward Scissorhands on speed. Or a wolferine. A wolverine trying to gouge out my nostrils, rip out my hair, bite through my sweater, wing my glasses across the room, buck his head into my chin, and hurl himself off my lap.
And we weren't even close to taking off yet.

Oh yeah. My daughter insisted on touching (in some way, and rarely nicely) my other breast as she nursed. This was simply annoying at home. In public, it generally became a three ring circus.

It sounds like you had a hellish trip...I hope the cake was as divine (and rewarding) as it sounds

[Wood]

You mean the house wasn't a disaster? AND there was cake? that's quite a husband you've got.

[Moxie]

meghan, if he was fine before, he'll be fine on Saturday. El P was a nightmare flying from the beginning.

Wood, yes, the house was clean and there was cake. I've been home for less than 36 hours and the house is a disaster and there's no cake. We defy the gender stereotypes day in and day out here at Casa Laid-Off Moxie.

[Sherry]

I'm in awe. The next time I find myself bitching about carrying both kids from the house to the car with nothing but a diaper bag, I will promptly bitch slap myself with a Dr. Brown bottle, and carry on with my day.

Woman, you deserved MUCH more than cake.

[Lauxa]

I second the awe. I don't think I would have the nerve to fly with 2 young children and no supporting adults. Actually, now that the second child has arrived, I'm planning on driving everywhere for a while.

[Linda B]

Wow, you didn't break down and cry like a little girl? I am impressed. Because that is what I would have done. You're brave.

[Kate]

Wow, this one sounds like it might be for the record books. (Although given the state of airline travel these days, who knows?) Definitely beats my solo night flight to Israel with an 11-month old and her Britax montrosity...the worst thing about that was that it wasn't supposed to be solo--but post-9/11 they don't look kindly on expired passports, even when they are held by very contrite, very trustworthy husbands.

I hope you enjoyed every inch of that cake! Yum!

[Bihari]

Oh blessings on you! I am very impressed with the car seats, too: I keep trying to figure out, logistically, how you did it, but coming up one or two arms short. Have decided you must be a Hindu goddess with six arms. (I am doubly impressed because I just dont bring the car seats on flights, which garners me dirty looks from the attendants, but what, they think the Britax is going to help if the plane crashes?)

I am flying in two weeks with two boys ages three and one, and we just returned yesterday from a trip that involved fifteen hours of driving in three days, and let me tell you, you have my fullest, most Britexy sympathy for that last flight. Oy, vey. No PILOT? That's like the time at my old job where we had to cancel an emergency surgery because the surgeon had a psychotic break and started strutting around the OR and clucking like a chicken.

[Nikki S]

Happy birthday! What a trip. And here I am worried because I have a 6 am flight next week. By myself. What a baby.

[AdventureDad]

Ahhh that sounds awful. I have flown a lot with our 2 year old son and thankfully nevr been stuck in a plane like that. The best flights for us are either short, less tahn two hours, or really long, more than 8 hours. I don't like those 5 hour flights in the middle of the day. It means a restless toddler and no sleep

Nice weekend

AD

[sierra]

You are brave! I am terrified of traveling with two kids, even with a supporting adult. I don't think I'll be going anywhere once I have this one. Aidan was enough alone. I felt like a clown with all my crap to travel with and entertain him. I can't even imagine two.