The Preschool Interview, Part 1

(So I'm now in the part of the illness in which I can't sleep because I'm snorting and snuffling like a dying rhinoceros, can't get a clear airway to breathe, and my sinuses are making me head throb constantly. Lovely.)

And now, finally, the preschool interview story. As some of you may recall, I was trying to start a private playgroup alternative to preschool, but got derailed because we couldn't find a location. I'm still disillusioned about that, because I just so do not want to play the Manhattan preschool game. And I don't think I have, anyway (we only applied to one school), so El Chico may not get to go next year, which would break my heart because he's so excited about "school."

The preschool scene in Manhattan (and parts of Brooklyn) is beyond insane. Most kids go the fall they're 2 1/2 (or 2.6 in NewYorkese), and they have to apply the winter before that (we're a year late). If you want to go to one of the super-competitive schools, those schools only send out applications the day after Labor Day. Once they're out of applications, you can't even apply. Everyone knows horror stories--the woman who got her husband to dedicate 100 of his company's phone lines to dialing in to School X to get an app, but she didn't get through until 10:30 am and all the apps were already given out already, stuff like that. Personally, I think someone with a super-slick technology system could hire a bank of people to get apps for the hottest schools in Manhattan and then sell the apps on Ebay, but that's just my inner capitalist talking.

Then there's the interview process. There are basically two types of preschools in Manhattan--the ones that are really trying to give a great experience to the kids, and the ones that are trying to continue a dynasty. The ones that are really working for the kids have a very different interview process, and that's the one that we went through (so I'll get to it later). The ones that are trying to continue a dynasty need to have a very specific parent base, so the interview is about the parents, not the kids. Essentially, these schools need a solid base of rich parents who aren't going to have too many opinions, a few movers and shakers (SAHMs with nannies, so the moms can do all kinds of volunteer work for the school), and a bunch of people with interesting or convenient professions that can either be bragging points or incredible helps (Making a documentary about the school? It helps to have a documentarian parent. Restauranteurs, famous authors, Nobel prize winners, and movie/TV people are also extremely useful.). So, you can be totally rich and willing to endow a building, but if they already have the quota of rich-but-boring people filled, your little Sophia or Jack won't get in. No matter how you threaten or bribe.

First they do make a pretense of interviewing the kids, which is billed as just a way for the staff to get to know the kids, but I kind of think it's mainly just to watch how the parents interact with the kids and to weed out any potential problem kids or parents. The real interview happens with the parents, although plenty of people have been known to coach their 2-year-olds (cramming the ABCs into their heads, full-on behavior modification stuff so they'll "play nicely" with the other kids, coaching them on things to say, etc.).

The parents (usually both, even if they're divorced, and even if the divorce was highly acrimonious) show up at the school on the appointed day, dressed to kill, checkbooks in hand. They have a nice chat with the director of admissions, then go home and wait for the letters to come. Fat letter vs. skinny letter. Kid in the right preschool or social Siberia. Stay in the city or give up and move to Westchester.

The other kind of school is really just trying to have a great educational experience for the kids. Many times it grew out of a parent co-op or another school or mutual aid society or something like that. So the interview is to see how well the kids will fit together with the siblings who already have places in the school. It makes sense--you don't want an entire class of shrinking violets or bossy know-it-alls, so you need to get a feel for how the kids interact so you can choose a harmonious mix. So the interviews are "playdates" of 3-5 kids with one of the preschool teachers and the director of admissions. The kids play, and the director talks to the parents to make sure any potential troublemakers can be identified before they're accepted. The other part of having a harmonious class is having a harmonious parent group, so people that are too pushy or not that into the school are at a disadvantage.

Since this interview is so nebulous compared to the ultra-high-stakes interviews of the first type of school, it can be hard for a parent to know how competitively to prepare for it. You could still work with your kid for the days before the interview to try to ensure that s/he wouldn't get into any fights, would play with all the materials, etc. And of course you can control how you dress and act as a parent. I figured there would either be a slot for my very verbal, outgoing, focused, stubborn, cheerful kid, or there wouldn't be, but I wanted to present myself as the kind of parent who would help the school (since I have time to volunteer) and would be a team player. I tried to remember what the director of admissions had been wearing  when she gave the tour we all had to take before the interview so I could echo that, but I hadn't been paying enough attention (d'oh!). I decided to go Laid-Back-But-Not-A-Hipster (because I'm not a hipster and can't even play one on TV, despite my black pleather maternity pants) with jeans and a dark navy, close-fitting knit top (figuring navy was a little bit less cliched than black--the NYC uniform--and also brings out my eyes a little bit). I also debated wearing my favorite pair of earrings, but decided they might be too wild. When I got to the interview, the director was wearing almost the exact same earrings I'd rejected. If El Chico doesn't get in, it'll be because I didn't wear the freaking earrings.

Before I continue, let's take a step back here and ask the obvious question: Why do parents go through all this crap and jump through all these hoops to get their kids into preschool? Even the lower-pressure option is a stressmaker. I think some people are honestly convinced that if their kids don't go to the right preschool, they won't get into the right continuing school, which means they won't get into the right high school, which means they won't get into an Ivy League college, which means they'll have a horribly sad life. Clearly that's just dumb, but tons of people here truly believe it.

I really think it's more than that, though. I think that people who live in New York, and stay in New York after they acquire children, are just competitive. Whether by nature or by training, you can't live in this city without being competitive in some way. Preschool admissions are just an extension of everything they've been doing so far.

I read a lot of IF blogs, and many of them talk about the stigma attached to doing ART. I just don't think it exists in NYC. People here spend their whole existences giving everything they have to get what they want for their careers. Why wouldn't they do the same thing when they decide to have children? If you were willing to live with 3 other people in a one-bedroom apartment on 96th and Third while you worked 100 hours a week 50 weeks a year for 5 years, how scary can ART be? And why be ashamed of going after what you want with all your energy and money?

And once you've gone through so much to get your children, of course you'll do whatever you need to to get them into school. Those of us who didn't do ART are just used to everything being a struggle here anyway. NYC really screws with your mind, and makes you think things like paying $1 million for a 2-bedroom apartment (seriously, this is now the average price for a pretty normal 2-bedroom apartment in Manhattan) is normal, so it's easy to think that the whole preschool scramble is normal, too.

This has gotten very long. Let me put up this part while I work on what happened at the actual interview.

To Be Continued

Comments

[Erica]

I'm sure you'll mention this in the next entry, but what made you choose this preschool? Most schools around here start with three-year-olds, so our choice was pretty much limited to the one school that would take Isabelle when she was two and a half. I'm curious what it's like to actually have a variety of choices.

Anyway, I'm sure El Chico wowed them. How could he not?

[Jon]

Sheesh. Life in NYC sounds like it sucks. Also sounds like most people live to work to impress each other, instead of working to live to enjoy life.

[Lisa]

You know I think the whole "right" preschool thing is a universal. There are three here. They will put your name on the waiting list minutes after delivery if you wish. They all do it on first come, first served. The interview doesn't happen until after you are in. But you have to travel in certain circles to even know how to get into these schools. I foolishly started looking the spring before my eldest daughter was to enter preschool. The right ones were full. So Mallory went to a little church run preschool and it was fine. It was too much on academics for my taste, so I put daughter #2 on the right waiting lists. She got in, as did daughter #3. My LAST (as god is my witness) child, will be 3 next month. I haven't even investigated pre-schools for him yet. We are on no lists. I loved the teachers at the right preschools, liked their developmental philosopy, but cant' handle the other parents. All the moms looked like they were straight out of Desp. Houswives. Beautiful clothes, new cars, mansions, a couple of whoop de do vacations a year. I just couldn't handle driving my kids to one more birthday party where they spent the whole time with their mouth open at the houses, and came home feeling bad because they never have a circus for their birthday. I am hoping to find some quite little place where he can be happy, learn a few letters and play some. Wish me luck.

[Christine]

I'm screwed. I freaked out about diaper choices last night. I can't even process having to worry about something three years down the road.

[Amber]

Heh, this kind of stuff one of the top reason why we left SF for a mid-sized city in the midwest. It is funny how quickly you can forget about that kind of competitiveness when the tables are turned. I have little doubt that my daughter could "get in" to any school in the city here, as long as we were willing to pay the tuition. (Many of the schools are actually very good,too.)

[wix]

i love reading these snapshots of life in nyc. i always think i would like to live there, but the truth is that we are just too poor/bohemian, and i don't have the kind of mad skillz to change that if we moved to nyc.

[Monica]

The whole concept of being "accepted" into a preschool scares me. I mean, most kids can't even go to the bathroom in a toilet, right?

[Cecily]

It's funny. A friend of mine once said that living in Manhattan WAS a full-time job, and you make that sound so true. I really hope he gets the school you want. I do.

[Amie]

Wow, sounds crazy! I do love reading about life in NYC though.

[Danielle]

Wow. This definitely falls into the category of "there's a whole world out there (especially in NYC) that I never even knew existed."

scary stuff.

[Brooklyn Mama]

Ugh. It's all so ridiculous. I am a preschool teacher in a good (but not Good, if you know what I mean) school in Brooklyn. One of the reasons I like my school is because it's educationally very good (a Bank Street methodology), provides a wonderful environment, and they accept every child who interviews (which are done in groups, mostly - "juice parties"). Of course there are class size limitations, but it's really done on a first-come, first-serve basis. It's also quite expensive (as are they all), so there's that limitation as well. But they are not exclusive when it comes to any of the bullshit present in other schools. I hate that - it goes against everything that preschools are supposed to be!

The other interesting phenomenon in preschools is their exclusivity in hiring. One of the Good schools in Brooklyn was long rumored to hire predominantly young, attractive, unmarried female teachers. Bleh. Another thing about my school that I love is the diversity of its teachers - not just racially, but physically and educationally. I will be so happy to have Ping be part of the community there.

Anyway, good luck. Looking forward to hearing more about the interview process. And I'd love to know where you're interviewing . . . :)

[Brooklyn Girl]

I'm finishing up my teaching certification now (though I'm working with older kids), and one of the most fascinating things about it has been learning about the school scene. I do think it's better in Brooklyn, unless of course you're looking at THOSE schools.

[Journeywoman]

De-lurking to say that a friend of mine edited this book Admissions which is all about getting into the right kindergarten.

You have it dead on.

Best of luck.

[chris]

In NC you only need a fat checkbook to get into a good school. And really, it doesn't have to be all that fat. Which, after hearing about the NYC process, doesn't sound all that bad right now.

[Marla]

You described the scene in Los Angeles, mostly due to the entertainment industry. Same thing, different coast. Some preschools here cost bet'n 14,000 and 20,000 A YEAR. And their silent auction? Have dinner and play some hoops with Magic Johnson. Have Wolfgang Puck cook a small dinner gathering at your house for 15 people.

[Leggy]

LOL- We are not as bad in the East Coast city that I live in, but I have friends in Manhattan and I know they can relate to you. Hope El Chico gets in.

Leggy

[Patty]

To Danielle who mentioned that you work in a good preschool in Brooklyn. I'm a certified elementary teacher in NYC(KG and 1st grade experience) and have been considering preschool. It sounds like you have a satisfying job experience at your school. Anyone hiring there? I also have training in Balanced Literacy/Bank St. theory and am just curious how did you find your job? Any other recommendations? Thanks if you get this...

[Patty]

Sorry - it wasn't Danielle but Brooklyn Girl who wrote about the preschool - hope you get this!

[Blanca Ramirez]

Life Goes On and u should too.