So El Grande and I went to the big supermarket near our apartment last night to get some ice cream. It's been months since I went into the store (it's overpriced and the cashiers are dumber than dirt and slooooowww) and I don't think I've ever been to the ice cream aisle before.
What I found in the ice cream aisle was Jerry Seinfeld's wet dream. Rows upon rows of ridiculous excess. Brands of ice cream I'd never heard of. And the flavors--don't get me started. WTF is "Chocolate Rainbow"? There's vanilla, and there's chocolate, or you can go for vanilla with fudge swirls. For years these three points on the grid of chocolate have been enough for us. Do we really need a "rainbow" of chocolate flavors? Who *are* these people?
And let's not even talk about the new Ben & Jerry's "carb conscious" ice cream. I counted four (4) different artificial sweeteners in the list of ingredients. Apparently this is ice cream for people who like brain tumors coming at them from all possible angles. People, you can eat ice cream *or* you can go carb-free. It's a binary choice. Have the courage to choose one or the other, instead of mocking your own taste buds and bodily health by snarking down a vile concoction of potentially lethal chemicals.
The strangest thing I saw, though, was the notice on the front of Edy's Orange Sherbet and Vanilla Ice Cream (swirled together, of course). It said "A Good Source of Vitamin C." Huh? Since when is ice cream a good source of vitamin C? But then I checked the label, and, indeed, half a cup of the ice cream provides 20% of the USRDA of Vitamin C. Frightened by this discovery, I skulked away to the register with my quart of Edy's Limited Edition Girl Scouts Tagalongs(R) Cookie ice cream. Girl Scouts and ice cream--puuuhfect togethuh.
For the record, I still swear by my favorite chocolate ice cream ever, Stonyfield Farms Organic Chocolate ice cream. It has a smooth, rich, deep chocolate flavor and a truly silky texture, but without the oiliness (or ridiculous spelling gimmick) of Haagen Dazs.
*Did you know that the first record album I ever bought for myself was Ice Cream Castle by Morris Day and The Time. I bought it when I was 12, because I really liked the songs "Jungle Love" and "The Bird." However, the album has some truly dirty-ass songs (most notably "If The Kid Can't Make You Come") which were decidedly Not Appropriate for a 12-year-old. I can remember thinking, "I don't think I should be listening to this." I wonder whatever happened to that album. It's probably still in my parents' basement.