Ask Moxie

Q&A: smoking grandmother

Jessica writes:

"Since my daughter was born 9 months ago, I've dreaded dealing with this particular issue. My mother-in-law is a chain-smoker (one is lit at all times) and fills her house with cigarette smoke and scented candles, thinking that the candles mitigate the smell of the smoke. It does not in any way. I've dutifully visited her with my husband before I was pregnant and even during my pregnancy for short visits, but now that my baby is born, I feel so strongly that I do not want to expose my child to the secondhand smoke. My MIL would not smoke in the baby's presence, but the second-hand smoke is in the air regardless. It hangs in the air and is unavoidable.

There are many problems here. My husband thinks we should just bring the baby and visit her "to keep the peace."  He is afraid of rocking the boat, of confronting her on this issue. (She is also an alcoholic and her family enables her bad habits. No one wants to confront her because she is irrational and makes her family members feel guilty for not taking care of her).  My husband understands that secondhand smoke is terrible to be exposed to, but he sees little harm in short visits. It is causing lots of tension between us. I just want him to advocate for our child, and he says that by doing so, he would effectively end the relationship between us and his mother.  He is so torn and I feel terribly for him because he feels he has to choose between his mother or me and our baby.

Part of me dies when I think of exposing my daughter's little body to a known carcinogen just to "keep the peace." I even talked with her pediatrician at her 6-month visit who said that my MIL should just visit us at our house and that we should not expose our baby to second-hand smoke. My MIL only lives one hour away but acts like we live across the country and does not want to make the drive to our house.
We have gotten away with not visiting her thus far because our baby vehemently hated car rides as a small infant and we just said we weren't traveling with her anywhere. But my MIL knows that the baby is getting better in the car and is pressuring us to bring her out for a visit.

The other key issue is that my MIL and I do not have a good relationship and never have, and I am afraid that this is going to set us back even farther. For the sake of my husband and my daughter, I want to have a functional relationship with my MIL.

Am I being too over-protective?  Is my mother bear instinct getting in the way of what's right in terms of family? Do I just suck it up and bring my baby over there?  Or can I stand my ground and say that it is not right to expose our daughter to the second-hand smoke, even at her grandmother's expense? I truly want to foster a relationship between my daughter and her grandmother, but my daughter's health is (and should be!) my priority.

Please help."

This is definitely a rock and a hard place. If your daughter was 10, you could deal with the smoke for a very brief visit. But so many of her body systems are still developing. OTOH, this could be the final rift between your family and your husband's mother, and it sounds like your husband just isn't willing to stand up to his mother.

First off, when the dust settles on this, you might try to get your husband in to see a counselor with you about some of the issues with his mom. Or at the very least try to get him to go to an Al-Anon meeting or two. Growing up with an alcoholic is serious business, and is going to affect his instincts and parenting in so many ways that it'll be the best investment he could ever make in his daughter's well-being to get some clarity on how he's been hurt by his mom's addictions and how he can recover from that.

Now. There's got to be a weaselly way around this so you don't have to put the hammer down without support. Could you go see them but meet someplace else? "We really want to take you out for a special brunch because of everything you do for us." Or could you stall for a few more months until the weather is warm and then go but stay outside the entire time? "Our pediatrician says the fresh air is the best thing for her at this age."

You really can't go and put your daughter into the smokehouse. Your pediatrician advises against it. And, frankly, anything that makes you feel like part of you dies just thinking about it is something you shouldn't do, even if no one else backs you up.

Readers, any way around this one? She needs to keep the peace (at least at this point), but not expose her daughter to the house.

(Is anyone else thinking that this question is more difficult even than the one about the pot-smoking grandparents? What is it with flaming sticks and in-laws?)

Q&A: sarcasm or something

Natalie writes:

"Our kids are preschool age, and my husband uses what I think would be sarcasm with them all the time....maybe it is just plain teasing.  You decide. 

He does things like this: He will be playing "chase" with them (which I appreciate), but then when they run into their rooms to hide, he will knock on the door, and yell, "Grandma is here!" When they open the door, all excited, he will grab them and say, "I gotcha!" Repeat this about ten times with ten different exciting promises (ice cream, grandpa, candy, etc).  The kids get really excited, and then realize he is teasing.  He also does this the opposite way, by saying, at around 4 pm, "Well, it is time for bed", and one of my kids will be to the point of tears, and then he'll say, "Just kidding!"  Repeat five times.  When I tell him to stop, he says, "Think how happy they are when they see that I am kidding!  Hee, hee!"  He really is doing it to have fun. 

I want you and your commenters to tell me what you think:  Is this just plain kidding and I am just too sensitive?  Or is it more than that?  What do you think?"

I think it's mean. But I think it's entirely possible that he doesn't have any idea that it's mean, because someone pulled that same crap on him when he was a kid and told him it was normal and he was being "too sensitive" if he didn't like it. Alternately, it's possible that he's got some unconscious resentment toward the kids at this stage because he was treated meanly when he was that age, and so it's coming out in this too-harsh treatment of them.

Don't get me wrong--I love sarcasm and funny teasing that lets the kid in on the joke. (An example of that is answering a kid's question with something so exaggerated that the kid knows you're teasing and thinks it's funny. "Mom, where are we going after school?" "First we're going to buy some space suits, and then we're going to drive to the moon!" Assuming the child is old enough to know that you can't drive to the moon in a regular car.) But the teasing your husband's doing isn't letting the kids in on the joke. It's just setting them up for disappointment and teaching them that they can't trust what he says.

I have no idea how to resolve this situation. You could try giving him a taste of his own medicine, but telling him you were making his favorite meal for supper, or that you'd gotten a raise at work, or that you were dying to have a quickie right then, and then saying "I gotcha!" Or sit him down to tell him you'd gotten a letter from the IRS and you owed $50,000 in back taxes and penalties, and then say "Aren't you happy to see that I'm kidding? Hee, hee!"

But something I can't put my finger on really does make me think that he's striking out at the kids like this because of some hurt that was done to him when he was this age that he may not even realize happened. I don't know if giving him a taste of his own medicine is going to help much if he's still carrying that hurt around in him. Maybe you could start a conversation about things that adults did when you were little that you hated. (I can start: There was one distant relative we'd see a few times a year who would always offer to pour a drink for me and say "Say when," and then when I'd politely say, "Thank you" he'd keep pouring until the drink overflowed and then say, "You didn't say 'when" and give a big laugh. Jerk.) It may come out without his realizing it was there.

Anyone else? Do you agree with me that this is more harmful than funny? And what can Natalie do to stop it before it seriously harms her husband's relationship with their kids?

 

Q&A: parents sticking up for child

Eric writes:

"I am not a parent yet, but will probably become one soon. I have an question about raising children that I was hoping you could open for debate. I was fascinated by the debate over the peanut allergies on the playground, and this in a similar vein.

I regularly read Wil Wheaton's blog, and he recently had an entry called The Butterfly Tree (http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2007/04/the_butterfly_t.html). This entry describes one of his memories, where he and his family went to a Parent's Night, where parents would come to see sort of a "school day lite". And during this, through no fault of his own, Wil gets the equivalent of his name written on the board. I hope you read the entry in full, because I'm doing a bad job of summarizing it concisely, but essentially it's about the fact that his parents didn't stick up for him when he was punished (warned or cited really) through clearly no fault of his own.

This story made me think of what I would do with my own kid, if the situation presented itself. And I have no doubt that it will. One the one hand, we can tell that this unfair incident traumatized the kid (not severely, but still), and he was unfairly punished (quote-unquote punished). If I was a kid and that happened to me, I would be very upset not only that I was a victim of an unreasonable accusation, but also that my parents didn't support me, especially when they were there to witness it. Silence gives consent. So doing nothing, you're left with the sense that your parents either approve, or are too lazy to do anything about it, that they don't care. That's nothing a parent should be known for, especially in an instance that seems to be resulting in inequitable treatment to my child. Fair's fair, and what kind of lesson am I teaching my kid by not coming to his defense when clearly he was falsely accused? I want to teach him that you should fight against things that are clearly wrong, and not just capitulate.

On the other hand, what good would a confrontation do? What would a parent say to her? What is going to be gained? We know that Mrs. Krocka is probably a witch. Either she'd argue back, or she'd acquiesce, but really, what would get done? And Wil wasn't really punished anyway. As he says, his name was right back to normal the day after (when the good teacher came back). When you're a little kid, these things that seem like a huge deal really aren't. The kid doesn't know that, but the parents do.

My wife's a teacher so I know how frustrated they get by constant barrages of ignorant parents who never think it's their fault their kid's eating crayons and not really learning anything. I would never want to aggravate a teacher in such a way because I know what they go through, and I know they're not trying to screw up my kid,they're just trying to do the best they can.

So that's the question. Should Wil's parents have gone back in and argued with the teacher, defending him against an unjust punishment, or write it off, consider it a lesson in life not always being fair. Or am I making too big a deal out of this? :)"

(He signed off with "long time reader, first time writer," which made me feel like either Mike or The Maddog. Awesome!)

It seems to me that there are a couple of elements of this situation that need to be considered separately. One is, obviously, whether the parents should have confronted Mrs. Krocka. But first, let's talk about the other element, which is how his parents acknowledged Wil's feelings. In the story they didn't. That, I feel, is the biggest mistake in this whole episode. The parents should have acknowledged Wil's feelings, even if they weren't able to stick up for him in front of Mrs. Krocka. As soon as they were out of the school building, they should have apologized for not being able to stick up for him, validated that he hadn't done anything wrong, and acknowledged that he was wronged in the situation.

It could have been a really valuable lesson to learn that sometimes you get the short end of the stick, but your parents are still there for you even when they can't change the outcome of the situation. Instead, he just felt abandoned and misunderstood. It takes so little to make kids feel understood, but it sounds like Wil's parents were just overwhelmed and didn't know how to do it.

Now, about confronting Mrs. Krocka. Technically, what should have happened is that one of the other parents should have stood up to Mrs. Krocka, pointed out that she was being really unreasonable and over-the-top, and smoothed over the situation. That way there wouldn't have been any awkwardness with Wil's parents sticking up for him, and it would have reinforced the social norm of not picking on innocent kids in the classroom. (Seriously. What was wrong with her?) We should all remember that in unfair situations the bystander has way more power to stop abuse of power than we think. Speak up if you can.

Now, should Wil's parents have spoken up for him to Mrs. Krocka? In my opinion, yes. It wasn't like he'd been doing something wrong and knew it and she just came down a little hard on him. He really did nothing and she humiliated him in front of a room full of people just because she could. The only lesson that taught him was that he couldn't count on his parents.

But I don't think we can really judge them, because it sounds like they were overwhelmed with their lives and were afraid of Mrs. Krocka. I really do think the other parents should have picked up the slack and stopped Mrs. Krocka from trampling Wil.

Opinions? Did Wil learn a valuable lesson, or was he left hanging by the adults in his life? How should his parents have handled things?

 

Follow-up from Annie

Remember Annie's creepy "birth mother" comment from her son's caregiver at daycare? She sent me an update on the situation:

"I confronted the caregiver and she claimed that she never said anything like that.  It was a difficult situation- I didn't want to accuse her of lying but I know what I heard.  I approached the conversation from the stand point of- "well, here is how I feel because this is what I thought you said."  I also told her that when I was visiting my son she didn't need to spend a lot of time and attention on him.  Prior to talking to this caregiver I spoke with the second caregiver in the room and asked if she had seen anything alarming or heard anything strange.  She understood why I would be upset but said she didn't see or hear anything that would set off any red flags.  Since my conversation with the caregiver she is not as friendly with me and is often short in her responses, I haven't seen any additional alarming behavior though.  We’ve been so very happy about the care our son has received- and really have had no complaints- aside from this major one. This incident has definitely been disappointing- as all of you know- child care is a very complicated and difficult entity- the guilt can be over whelming, but knowing that your child is well taken care of and happy at the establishment certainly makes things easier to deal with.  Because of our experience with this place we have decided to continue with care here.  Happily my son is moving into a new room starting at the end of May. 

Thank you so much for all your comments and words of advise- I will definitely post again to this site- I appreciate the support that I received!"

Q&A: why can't I love this? (Edited)

(Hey, I just realized that I forgot to add the word "all" in my sentence about not being able to do it all without anti-depressants. Ha! I meant to write that no one can do it all without anti-depressants. Certainly you can do some of it without anti-depressants. If you can cut yourself some slack. But again, another sign of depression is not being to cut yourself some slack. Just be gentle with yourself, OK? If you need to go anti-depressants, please do so. If you don't need them, I certainly didn't mean to imply that all mom are on them--that would be as much of a fallacy as the idea that all moms are happy all the time. I'd like to banish any statements starting with "all moms are" anyway.

Now I'm going to go read the comments. I hope no one got alarmed or had her feelings hurt by my leaving out the word "all.")

Sorry about that. All the rain did something to the cable connection to our building,and I couldn't get on the internet to post anything. (I'm about to post my comment on Monday's work question at the end of that post. I agreed with all of you, of course.)

Here's one I'll also need your support  with. Lucy writes:

"This a pretty vague question: but how can I relax and enjoy motherhood more? I had a great pregnancy but a difficult birth with my daughter who is now 8 months. Tough recovery and breastfeeding problems followed and now, though she sleeps and eats well, I'm always worrying about something or beating myself up. I know that I need to let go of expectations and be more zen, but keep finding that so difficult as an erstwhile professional who is used to having everything under control. I don't want to look back and realise I've missed out on the good times. I think part of the problem is that I forgot I was going to have a baby and was looking forward to being mum to an independent 3 year old!"

I think basically all mothers are victims of propaganda. We're allowed to think that pregnancy is all positive, wonderful rainbows and sunshine, but a huge percentage of us have hormone-related depression that makes us feel horrible and sold out. Let's not even talk about the delivery and birth, which have so much baggage attached to them even before we get to the tough painful part. (Let's think about it--labor and delivery hurts like hell coming or going already. Isn't that enough? Why add all this strange mythology to it, too to give all of us a nice case of pre-post traumatic stress disorder?) And if you adiopt, well, we don't even know how to think about that, et alone talk about it. Then we get to the actual motherhood, and it's really hard and there's no real reward for weeks and weeks, and then the reward is just a smile.

And yet everyone, at every stage of the game, keeps saying, "But it's sooooo worth it."

Well, duh. Yes, it's worth it. Your children are the joys of your life. But. It still sucks at all stages of the game, either a little or a lot.

People give sympathy for the first few months, because they're like being captured by aliens. But by the time your baby is 8 or 9 months old you're supposed to ahve a handle on it. The baby is plumped up and sweet-looking, like a magazine baby. Everyone in your mother's group is lying and saying their baby is "sleeping through the night " (5 measly hours! Is it even a worthy goal?).

But it's still really hard emotionally. I kind of think that that's about the age when it starts to sink in that this IS the New Normal. Whether you're at home or at work all day, the baby exhausts you. And then there's the whole nighttime routine, and middle-of-the-night stuff. And thinking about the food all the time. But you're also supposed to have lost all of the baby weight, and having an amazing sex life with your husband, and  be up on current events, and either totally present at your job or gleefully happy about being at home.

Honestly, it's just too freaking much. No one can do it [all] without the help of anti-depressants.

So, Lucy, my advice to you is to cut yourself some slack. All those moms who look so zen (and people tell me I'm one of them--apparently I look calm all the time) are really just fantasizing about having a night alone in a hotel with nice sheets and no one else there wanting something from them. It's not like everyone else is totally in the moment and you're not. Everyone's dropping the ball in one way or another. It's just that some of us are forcing ourselves to be OK with dropping those balls.

It does not pay to be perfect. Even if it was possible, it's a crappy way to live. 8 months is hard. You'll like 3 years better. If you can accept that now isn't your favorite time and see your daughter as equally captive to her normal developmental stages, it might be easier on you emotionally.

Anyone else? Did you have any big "I don't have to be perfect" moments you'd like to share? Any "I hated this stage but ended up loving the next one" times? Freestyle bitching about feeling sold out by our culture is also welcome.

Hey--once again I'm late for work! No time to spellcheck.

A Case of the Mondays

Taxes (and problems getting into the right websites to do them), and all this bizarre rain is making me punchy.

Maggie writes:

"Now that you're WOH maybe you'll have some perspective on what I should do. My new coworker has decided that I'm her confidant, and she's telling me some details of her life that I really just don't want to know. Also, she's been pretty deliberate in hiding this stuff from management, and I have no idea why, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable, like there's way more stuff she's hiding.

I don't want to be involved in any of this, but I also feel some duty to tell my boss that she may be a chronic liar. Help."

a) This sucks. B) I'm late for work, so I'm just going to open it up to the readers. When I get home tonight I'll put what I think, which is probably what everyone else will say.

Also, I'm totally curious about these details of her life. Bad me.

Must go put on my flair and leave for work. Ciao.

Update: Here I am again. I totally agree that the only real thing to do is try not to talk about anything with this woman. Just try to be pleasant, but as busy as you can be. If her lies seem to be directly related to work (like she embezzled money or accepted large gifts from clients, etc.) then you should give your boss a heads-up. But if it's just general character issues, she'll shoot herself in the foot eventually. You should stay as far away from all this as you can. Triangulation is very bad, and if you triangulate yourself into the situation by going to your boss you will not come out unscathed.

Q&A: concerns with daycare caregiver

Annie writes:

"My son is 16 months and we have been pretty happy with the day care but recently we’ve noticed that one of his providers seems very attached.  She is constantly raving and talking about him during drop off and pick up and on my lunch break when I visit for about 30 min.  She does this in front of other parents too.  Recently when I was asking my son for a hug good bye he had been standing next to her and gave her a hug- she immediately said “I love your hugs, go give your ‘birth Mommy’ a hug.”  This really upset me.  Lately I feel she has been monopolizing my time with him during my visits- hugging him, dancing with him and reading to him while I’m there visiting.  This is my time with my son and I’m worried that she is developing some unhealthy obsession.  I am happy that my son is “loved” and well thought of at day care but is this too much?"

That would freak me right out.

She seriously called you his "birth Mommy?"

It seems clear to me that you need to talk to the director of the center about this. Mention that you think it's a little strange that the caregiver seems to take such ownership of your child, and calls you his "birth Mommy." I'd also mention that she doesn't seem to want to allow you to have time alone with him when you visit.

In all likelihood, she's just taken with your son because he's so sweet and above-average. But it's still not appropriate behavior, and the director of the center should know about it and have a chance to respond.

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? I've had friends who felt like their babysitters were getting extremely close to their kids, but it seems different in a daycare center situation. As if part of what you choose when you choose a center is knowing that there's some distance between the caregivers and the kids, that they're more like teachers than relatives (which is what I think babysitters can become).

Thoughts?

Q&A: aggressive behavior in babies and toddlers

HS writes:

"I have a  2 year 8 month old boy who is very active. He also goes to a daycare in our neighborhood and he had been bitten twice in the back by some other 2 year old. When I asked about it the daycare director told me that I should not worry because that’s the way 2yr olds defends themselves.  I really don’t like seen ugly bite marks on my son.  Can you suggest a way in which I could tell the director to make sure that won’t happen again?

She also told me that because my son did not say anything they were not able to catch the accident on time.  I want to make sure that these ladies who are watching over my kid do their job."

Huh? "That's the way 2-year-olds defend themselves?" So that means that they just let the biting go on without attempting to stop it? Interesting logic. So they'd think it was appropriate if you punched the mother of the other kid in the face, because that's how parents defend their kids? Somehow I don't think so.

There are two truths about emotions in children: 1) There's nothing wrong with having angry or frustrated or aggressive or other negative feelings. It's a part of being human, and we should worry about kids who never feel free to express anything negative. The only problem is expressing them in inappropriate ways. 2) One of the most important jobs adults have with regards to children is helping them learn how to manage their emotions, especially the big and scary ones.

It sounds like those daycare providers are taking too much of point #1 to heart, and thinking the kids are magically going to learn to do point #2 on their own, without adult guidance. But how could they? Kids don't learn to talk without hearing any other people talking. Doing something as complex as managing their emotions is far more difficult, so it requires even more adult guidance.

There are several components to teaching kids to manage their emotions. The first is setting boundaries so the child knows what's acceptable and what's not. That should start as early as a child starts to show negative behavior. Some kids are as young as 6 months when they start scratching or hitting, and right around 9 months to a year is a super-common time for that whacking in the face, stealing of the glasses, pulling hair, etc. that many of us have experienced with our kids.

Setting boundaries (especially for kids that age, but really for anyone of any age you're setting boundaries with) doesn't mean being mean or punitive. It just means making it abundantly clear what's acceptable and what's not. How you do it depensd on your particular child and what motivates him/her. For example, my older one does not respond well to verbal cues (despite the fact that he talks all the livelong day--go figure) and has always needed me to physically intervene to show him the boundaries. So when he was teeny and bit me while nursing, I'd scream (just because it hurt) and then unlatch him and put him out of reach so he couldn't nurse anymore right then. When he was older and pulling hair, I'd tell him No but also pick him up and put him across the room so he couldn't touch me. When he was biting other kids at age 2, I'd watch for it and before he bit I'd put my hand between his shark teeth and the other child and guide his head away and off somewhere else to distract him. My second one responds much more to verbal cues (and he's not anywhere near as verbal himself as his brother was at this age) so I use more of the "you can do this, you cannot do that" kind of talk with him.

While you're setting the boundaries, it's important to talk the kid through those boundaries to help the child get that tape in their head. Have you ever heard a little kid looking at a temptation and saying something like "I not touch that" as they look longingly at that thing? That's exactly what you want to happen, that the kid develops an internal dialogue about what they should and shouldn't do. So when you're working on not hitting you, you should be saying something about not hitting people but hitting a pillow instead. When you're working on not snatching toys out of a younger sibling's hand, you should be repeating "Find something to trade him!" to get that tape playing in his head. It's not going to make a change overnight, but it does get the pattern established of positive self-talk and rehearsing actions before you do them.

The other two components that are very important in helping kids manage negative emotions are distraction and giving them healthy subsititutes. Distraction has to be the single most useful discipline tool ever, because it breaks the immediate pattern and stops the negative behavior. It also gives you enough time to think about what's happening and act instead of react when you figure out what to do next. Sometimes the bad behaviorwas just a fluke, and you don't ahve to do anything else, because the distraction took care of it.

But for things that are consistnent or show that a kid really can't manage some emotions (and I'd definitely put biting, hitting, and pushing in that category), you need to give them a healthy subsititute. Remember, there's nothing wrong with feeling angry, aggressive, or frustrated. You absolutely want to make sure your child experiences those emotions without feeling like they're something to be hidden, because in order to be a healthy adult you need to be able to process and accept your own emotions. Be very clear that the problem isn't feleing angry, it's biting another person in anger. To that and, you can give the child something productive to do with the negative energy. We gave my older son a braided dog chew toy (a new one I bought just for him) and when he felt like biting, he bit that. Some kids carry around special pillows that they hit when they feel like hitting someone. I've seen some parents get their children to run around the room for 10 minutes or hop up and down to release that physical energy.

By giving your kid a substitute to help them expend negative energy, you're setting up their ability to consciously manage their emotions. The hope is that as teens and adults they'll be able to think, "I feel really horrible and like I want to punch someone. Let me go out and run 2 miles instead, or scrub out the bathtub, or go down into the basement and hit the punching bag, or go over to the dojo and see if anyone wil spar with me." They'll know how to channel that energy into something neutral (if not actually helpful) instead of turning to hurting other people or themselves.

OK. HS, if you're still with me, what I'm getting at is that this is a serious issue, and you are totally right to be concerned about the non-response from your daycare director, both for your own son's sake and also for the biter's sake. There are several things here that concern me:

1) Is their ratio of staff to kids so low that they just simply cannot keep on top of what's going on with the kids?

2) Are they not sensitive enough to the kids to realize that the biter needs a little extra attention and guidance?

3) How can they not realize that allowing your son to get bitten is not acceptable and is a serious liability? You'd think they'd at least be worried about the potential lawsuit, if nothing else.

I think you need to go in and sit down with the director and express to her that this is a huge concern for your son's safety, and that they need to think seriously about their procedures for ensuring the safety of each child. Emphasize that this is a safety issue, not just a "kids being kids" issue. Then express your concern that the staff doesn't know how to help the kids manage their emotions and are letting situations get out of hand. You might suggest the idea of having a biting toy for the biter and helping the caregivers manage the flow of the day so things don't escalate and get the kids so frustrated that they attack each other.

(Oh, and the part about your son not telling them anything happened? You can't tell me that a 2 1/2-year-old gets bit hard enough to leave a mark and doesn't yell in pain. Why was there no caregiver there to hear his cry and figure it out? It's not your son's responsibility to report incidents in a detailed and calm manner--he's a toddler.)

It's entirely possible that the director won't have any answer for you. If that's the case, you may have to think seriously about finding another place for your child where he won't be in physical danger from other kids. Of course that doesn't help the other kid who's biting because he doesn't know how to deal with his frustration, of any of the other kids in the center, but your primary responsiblity is to your own child.

And do NOT let the director try to sell you the idea that the problem is with the kids. The kids are just trying to fumble their way through all the feelings coursing through their little bodies. Adults have the responsibility to help the kids deal with those feelings.

Anyone have an similar experiences with daycare situations that weren't being handled appropriately? Any words of advice?

Holiday Gauntlet Ha!: The kid who licked the pole on A Christmas Story

I am not actually going to tell you, because this is a family blog.

(If you really want to know, look up "Scotty Schwartz" on IMDB.com and read the titles of the movies he's "acted" in.)

Holiday Gauntlet 4: Stress on kids during holiday visits

The holiday season can be extremely stressful for kids. Too many parties, visits with overexcited grown-ups, and foods that they don't usually eat.

Your job at this point is to protect your kids from things that are actually going to hurt them, and look away from the rest of it.

What that means is that you need to protect your kids' personal space. Even if your mom loves to kiss your daughter when she sees her twice a year, you can't let her if it scares your daughter. No one gets to tickle your child unless the child requests it. No passing the baby if the baby's not clearly into it. There are all sorts of things you can teach your kids to "connect" with adults that don't involve compromising their personal boundaries. My favorites are blowing kisses and giving high-fives (which are also cute and precocious-seeming). If your child is too young to do this, you can always pinch her to get her to yell, then claim all the overstimulation is making her cranky and she needs to go into a quiet room to chill out. (If you start teaching a baby the sign for "milk" from an early age, you can discreetly flash the sign and he will start fussing to eat and you can leave the room. Score!)

Let me repeat this again--You have to protect your child's physical boundaries. If you don't, you're teaching your child that it's OK for him or her to be violated in some way, because you're there watching but allowing it to happen. Blame it on anything you want to (your kid's coming down with a cold, your pediatrician, "this nutjob on the internet who writes an advice column"), but get your kid out of an uncomfortable situation no matter what.

For some kids, their physical boundaries also include the things they eat. I've been lucky in that both of mine have stomachs more like the stomachs of goats, so eating too much sugar or really rich foods doesn't have much effect on them. That means that's one thing I just let go of at events, and maybe hear the eating report later, or maybe not. But if you have a child with any food sensitivities, you have to be on guard. I do not envy you, because there are whole categories of people who think all food issues are made-up, and who will try to push you and your child.

I suppose one way to be proactive about dealing with jerks who try to push you on your child's food sensitivities would be to bring an epi-pen, and at the beginning of the event get up and ask all the adults to watch you teach them how to use the epi-pen "just in case someone accidentally gives Ethan something with eggs in it" or whatever the problem food is. Seeing the actual epi-pen might make them think twice about pressing the issue. I'd love to hear other suggestions from BTDT food issue parents.

The unrealistic expectations issue is a big problem. You end up having to spend a lot of time with people who have no idea or recollection of what's normal behavior for young kids. Tensions are high with relatives spending so much time together anyway, and then add in stresesd kids out of their normal environments, and it's a recipe for criticism, hurt feelings, and tantrums all around.

The best suggestion I have for mitigating this is simple: Go Outside. Go outside several times a day, and walk (or run) around with your kid. Being outside (even in super-cold air) is good for them, blows off some steam, gets them out from under the vigilant eye of the older generation, gets you out from under that scrutiny, and is impossible to argue with. (Who could say anything bad about taking a kid out to get some fresh air and run around?) If you spend enough time outside your child might sleep a little better (even in the too-small pack 'n' play or in bed with you), and you can settle down a little, too.

My other technique is to treat any egregious statement as if it's a joke. "I can't believe you let her eat potato chips before dinner!" and you answer "Oh, Mom, you're always so funny. Remember how we always used to eat so many potato chips at Grandma's that we couldn't eat any dinner? Good times." Or "You're still nursing that child? She's going to need therapy when she grows up!" and you answer "Ha! That's a funny one, Mr. Johnson. Could you pour me another glass of wine, please? I'm drinking the red."

If all else fails, just keep repeating to yourself one of the following mantras:

"I will not become my mother."

"Mizu no kokoro. Make my mind like water, and let it all flow through me without touching me."

"These people are not my real family."

"Only 185 more minutes until we can go home."

"Eff you, you effing effers."

Happy Holidays.