Q&A: nighttime parenting is making our eyes bleed

Lisa writes:

"Can you stand another question on sleep?

I guess the actual question is: how do I night wean?

The context is this: I work random shifts in an ER and this means that sometimes I am away for the evening or overnight and my husband has baby sleep duty. When he has to do bedtime, no sweat after we did a little sleep training that involved a little crying.  But the overnights are a different story.  My son (9 months old) has been co-sleeping from day 1, starting the night in a crib and moving into our bed once I come to bed.  I used to be able to nurse him at night and slide him back into his crib but now that he's so mobile, the crib rails have all gone up, and he protests the return so often sleeps next to me, latching on all night when the fancy strikes him.  This is great for all of us except on the 3-4 nights a month that I'm gone for the night.  He totally freaks out, my husband then totally freaks out, they end up awake all night from 1 AM onward with bags under their eyes the next morning.  I blame myself because I know it's not fair to my son to get me some nights and not others without any pattern at all.  So I feel like my only option is to get him to go without the milk bar which probably entails going without sleeping under my shirt.

We tried doing this by letting him yell in protest but living in a little condo makes my husband feel guilty about the noise's impact on the neighbors so we end up jumping ship on that plan.  We also recognize that having him in our room is compounding things but I can't move him into the only other candidate room since we had an intruder break in several weeks ago through that bedroom window, so I'm psychologically unable to put him there.

I just don't know logistically how to night wean a baby who is still in our room without lots of hollering.  But I have to do something because every morning after I work a night shift, my family is falling into little tiny pieces which means I'm trying to fix them and not able to recover from having been up working all night and I am starting to get just a teensy bit resentful.  Plus hugely guilty that I did this by letting my son cozy up to the milk bar all night long for so long.  Help? Please?

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First, let me say how sorry I am that someone broke into your home. That's got to be a terrifying and creepy feeling. I completely understand that you can't put your son alone in that room.

You know what I'm going to say next: Trying to do anything to change sleep patterns is going to be harder in the middle of a sleep regression phase. So right now (9 months) is probably not going to meet with much success. If you can wait a month you'll probably do better.

And even more next: This isn't your fault, and it's NOT your responsibility to manage the relationship between your son and husband, or fix things the next morning when you come home from work. There is not a single thing you can do about what happens while you're at work, and working out a nighttime routine that allows both your son and your husband to sleep is pretty much your husband's responsibility. Babies learn that different people do different things, so your son will have a different set of nighttime expectations when he's with his dad. It happens all the time that kids go to sleep differently with their mothers, fathers, grandparents, babysitters, etc., so it isn't your responsibility to gatekeep the relationship between your two guys.

I think nightweaning is actually going to be counterproductive, since it'll take that comfort away from your son on all nights, not just when you're not there physically. Especially at this separation anxiety age, it's probably going to end up making him more clingy and crabby all the time, instead of just when you're gone.

Now, having said that, if you truly do want to nightwean for you, and not because you think it'll somehow equalize things, your husband is going to have to take the lead on that. I can't think of anyone I know who nightweaned within a month without basically giving the baby to the non-nursing partner during nightweaning. Most women I know moved to another room during nightweaning (raising my hand), or just played dead at night during that phase. Which leaves you in a tricky situation, since you're going to have to do the thing you've identified as the problem (your husband having to comfort your son to sleep) in order to avoid having your husband have to comfort your son to sleep while you're not there.

You can see why I'm not so excited about putting the nighttime responsibility all on your shoulders. It's a big circle of confusion, nastiness, crying, and sleep deprivation for all three of you.

I really think I'd try to work with your husband on developing his own routine to get your son back to sleep. I don't know if he does much of the initial putting to bed, but that's a start. Many kids seem to be confused when the going to sleep is different from what happens when they wake up in the middle of the night. So having him develop a really solid bedtime routine that he does might make it easier to replicate that in the middle of the night to get them both back to sleep ASAP. It also sounds like he maybe feels like your son not sleeping is his fault, and, again, a non-sleeping kid is not the parents' fault. So if your husband can stay kind of zen about it he may have better luck with the getting back to sleep.

Having said that, this is probably all going to get slightly better in a few weeks anyway, once this sleep regression is past. And the older your son gets, the easier the changes will be on him because he'll just be used to them. And he'll start sleeping longer anyway.

Anyone have conflicting opinions, suggestions, or comments?

Comments

[Jo-Ann]

I work almost overnight (2 times a week till 3:30am, my mantra is it is better than full time)
I have done this since my son is 5 months old and he is now 27 months. My idea for you is to have your husband nighttime parent once or twice every week whether you are overnight at work or not. This would give you a break, you would not have to full time night wean, and your baby would be able to find a routine with his Dad. My guy is still nursing and he cosleeps. He and his Dad have their own thing but I think I am gone overnight regular enough that they developed their rhythm pretty quickly.

If you really want to night wean, Good Luck.

Jo-Ann

[Melissa]

Not a solution if you are keen on night weaning but you could always pump and keep a few bottles of breastmilk in the freezer. If you get enough of a headsup that you'll be gone that night you move it to the fridge and then dad can at least offer that bit of mommy comfort when you aren't there.

As Moxie said, hang in there - the 9 month regression is the worst (it was for us and many others I know) and they do sleep better on the other side of it.

We cosleep and my 14 month old still likes to be as close to the booby as possible, sipping and slurping periodically throughout the night. Once in awhile when I just can't take it anymore I sneak out and find another place to sleep. The first few times I felt horribly guilty but you know what? She ends up sleeping just fine and as far as I know doesn't even notice I'm gone. At least, that's what sleeping-dead-to-the-world dad reports.

Good luck and hang in there!

[Julie]

I know all the doctors and books say that babies can (and should) sleep through the night without eating - and physically they CAN do it (meaning they don't NEED to eat anymore to sustain good growth rates) but I kind of feel like it might be a little too early to retire the boob. It sounds like it's not bothering you when you are at home, but are just worried it might "mess up" your kid for your husband. I worry about that all the time and am finally figuring out that I can't - and shouldn't - manage their relationship.....and really doing what your kid wants/needs isn't going to mess them up. I say keep the boob in play as long as possible, but support and encourage your husband to find his own path on the nights you're not home by problem solving with him and helping him talk-through what happened, where he thinks things "went wrong" and what he could try next time.

But status quo for right now is my suggestion - at least until the sleep regression passes. And for what it's worth, we still give milk in the middle of the night when there is a waking - it's just his cue to help settle him down - and he's 2.

[duchess]

Would it be possible to just take away the co-sleeping altogether, and not just the nights you are not at home? If on nights you are home, you develop a routine where you sit by his crib but don't nurse him, then it won't be totally bewildering when it's your husband doing the same thing when you aren't home. We took turns when my son was 9 and 10 months old - the first time he cried, I went in and did whatever I could do get him back to sleep, without nursing him. The second time, my husband, and so forth. The kid eventually figured out that it didn't matter who the parents was - he wasn't getting milk.

I totally understand about not wanting to put the kid in the room that got broken in to. Would it be possible for you and your husband to move in there temporarily while you guys night wean? Or just crash in the living room for a while?

[cass]

If you *do* decide to nightwean while cosleeping, I recommend taking a look at the suggestions in the No-Cry Sleep Solution (Elizabeth Pantley). It's a situation she addresses (and not by saying you shouldn't cosleep).

[Jan]

I hate to see you break up something that's working great the rest of the time just because a couple of days a month are a problem.

Could you husband give a bottle at night on the nights he's there? Or maybe even cuddling with a pacifier?

I simply can't imagine how you do anything (1) during that 9/10 month sleep regression time and (2) with the no-crying restriction.

Maybe try asking your husband to brainstorm what he would do if, say, you were admitted to the hospital and were going to have to be there for two weeks. Might get him and you thinking of some ideas that would work for your kid ...

Just a side note: There is actually one advantage to having poor milk supply! I never produced more than about 8 oz a day (and most of that first thing in the morning) and I just continued to nurse my kids at night anytime they woke up. Eventually I think they decided the sad little half-ounce or whatever they were getting of breast milk simply wasn't worth the effort. :)

[Maria]

I've just started night-weaning after a loooong time of assuming it was impossible. So far, it's going far better than I'd expected. My girl is older, 26 months, but maybe our experience will help you work on making sleep easier for him, especially as he gets older.

The key for our family was realizing that, since I had been way she got to sleep after waking at night for so long, I would have to be the one to comfort her back to sleep. Nursing/sleeping with mom was too linked to sleep for her... she seemed completely panicked if dad tried to comfort her and I stayed away, often demanding to see me to be sure I wasn't actually gone. kellymom.com has a lot of good advice on night-weaning a co-sleeper. I hold her in our bed, tell her stories, get her a drink, but tell her that my milk has gone night-night and she can have some more in the morning. She cries, but nothing like the hysterics when I'm not present, and she does understand what it means to wait for the morning, so that helps.

Your son might be too young for this strategy right now, but my main point is that, while I agree that you should not need to manage their sleep arrangements when you're not there, I understand your feeling that you might need to play a major role in getting your son to fall asleep more easily without nursing.

[Maria]

I should add: my hope is that once sleep has become less associated with nursing, they'll be more open to being comforted by dad when they need help falling asleep. (Do I dare to hope that she even might not wake as often?) Other comments above seem to have some good suggestions for what you can do in the meantime.

[pnuts mama]

oooh, great suggestions! i totally agree with jan- what if you make once or twice a week a daddy-only-overnight even if you are there, to make it more of a pattern for them? kind of like how some couples (when one is SAH) lets the other do the weekend-shift...i think moxie is right, even babies know which parent does which thing, and they can be ok settling into a recognized routine.

also second the pantley and kellymom for night-weaning tips.

night-weaning sucks! seriously. we never co-slept in our bed, but had a co-sleeper for the pnut (we sleep in a full, way to small for the three of us to be comfortable together) until she was about 6-7 months. then, we set her crib up at the end of our bed (with a space inbetween so we can get through- the crib doesn't touch our bed). did i mention she still sleeps there at 2+ years old! now i'm the one attached to her! i'll be sad when her room is finally ready- and it will be weird for me that she'll be by herself!

i'll be honest, wehen we put her in the crib,having her just out of range of my scent/proximity probably helped her not reach for my boob every time she woke up, and gave her the opportunity to put herself back to sleep some times, while still knowing we were in the room. but to be honest, i was still getting up with her to nurse occasionally til she was at least a year (prob. more). i had to nurse her down to sleep til then, at least. i ALWAYS put her back in the crib after she'd conk out, just to start that pattern of getting used to her own space. eventually she was able to fall asleep w/o nursing, on her own, in the crib, by herself. that was the happiest day of my life (almost).

best of luck.

[Laura]

I love love love your blog, although I didn't discover it until my son was about 2 years old. But I'd love to read more about the sleep regression and other phases you discuss. Any book suggestions?

[Lisa]

Shockingly, Moxie's prediction was right on.

I wrote this desparate email about a month ago, and now that we've passed through the initial phases of separation anxiety and the 9 month sleep regression (though I must confess, my husband and I both think that our son is experiencing 52 wonder weeks) it is better.

I always left them with bottles of breastmilk, but my son would drink at least 3 (!) overnight, and still be wild eyed and frantic. But I'd bet he gets a large portion of his daily calories from night nursing so we nixed the night wean idea.

We did decide to muster up all our courage and put him in his own room, after (1) he started doing gymnastics in our bed all night long which gave us multiple bruises and turned blissful cosleeping into co-not-sleeping and (2) he fell out of the bed. He was fine but us - not so much. So we boarded up "the robber's room" like Fort Knox and moved his crib in there just this weekend. He's 10 months old now, and we might have hit the sweet spot. Still waking up 2-3 times, but I can get him back in the crib after nursing him (and my husband does the same with a bottle) and we bring him into bed with us when he does his early morning crow around 4-5 for another couple hours of milk bar sleep, but it's definitely better.

Of course, the previous day's post about the 55 week sleep regression is keeping me from getting too comfortable with this.

[swissmiss]

My husband and son (2.5) do a "Boys' Night" now and then, even when I'm home sometimes. My husband does the whole get ready for bed thing, I only pop in for a good night hug and kiss if I'm at home, and then it's just the two of them. Who knows what goes on during Boys' Night, though I know my husband sticks pretty well to the regular bedtime.

The key is that this is something exciting, like camping or a sleepover party. It's not "oh no, mama's not here we'll have to manage" it's BOYS' TIME! They DO STUFF! Alone. Secret stuff they don't have to tell Mama about (I personally think potato chips are involved). Granted this is probably easier for my husband than it might be - at first - for yours since our son is 33 months old and can play an interact in ways a 9 month old can't, but it works for them I think because my husband doesn't try to emulate what would happen if I were there but makes it a whole different experience. Boys' Night.

When I'm around one thing happens, when I'm not another thing does. What makes it work for my son (I think) is that both of them are presented as good and fun and warm and geared towards his need for comfort. Just in different ways. (And my husband not-all-so-secretly enjoys Boys' Night and sleeping in the bed together with the little guy while he still can.)

(And it's called Boys' Night 'cuz they're both boys. If we had a daughter he'd still do this sort of thing and it would be Our Night! Or Just Us! Or something)

As for night weaning, we did that at about 14 months and for the first two nights I....stayed in a hotel!

And at 33 months there are still plenty of nights where my son starts in his bed and ends in ours.

[Brenda]

At a year old, my daughter was still nursing 2-3 times during the night. I figured out she was nursing only to put herself back to sleep. I thought that this would be a good time to help her to learn to do it on her own. So, I read a bunch of suggestions on weaning and came up with something that I thought would work for us.

The first night, I kept track of the amount of time she nursed - it was 10min/side. The next night we nursed 9/side. Next night 8/side. Etc... The night we got down to 1min/side, she put up a small fight (minutes) then went back to sleep. The next night there was no nursing and no picking up - again a small struggle. BUT the night after? No waking to nurse!

Good luck!

[Carmen]

Don't blame the co-sleeping. It's easy to do but if you're anything like me then you didn't really start co-sleeping due to some overwhelming desire to have a family bed. It started because it was just the only way your baby or you would get any sleep. My son still only sleeps alone for part of the night and sometimes not even that at 7 months old. He gets to take a seat at the all night milk bar as well! My point is that it isn't your fault that your hubby and son are having trouble. They're lucky that you've made yourself so available to your son at night so that neither one of them ever had to be inconvenienced up to this point! When my son started at his first daycare I felt all kinds of guilt because I had let him nap on me and co-sleep at nights and at daycare he couldn't sleep on anyone so for a month he just rarely napped. The daycare provider made it clear that she thought it was due to the co-sleeping as well and that he needed to learn to "self-soothe" at 3 months. Witch. I now have a fabulous babysitter who will rock him to sleep whenever he needs it... but, I digress.

I know it's tough. I got a new job and don't get home until 8pm and my husband takes care of my son in the evenings and it was a serious adjustment for all involved. It was a rough couple of weeks at first but now they're all used the the arrangement.

I second the notion that baby will get used to daddy's way of doing things just as daddy will get used to doing better at things. My hubby just said the other day that he thinks he's getting better at handling the big boy when he's fussy. A step that probably never would have happened had I not had to work in the evenings.