Book Review: Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy?

Book review of Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy by Louise Bates Ames, PhD and Frances L. Ilg, MD.

I love all the books by Ames and Ilg, researchers who worked at the Gesell Institute of Human Development and wrote the series of books in the '70s. (They've got one for each year up through age 9, and then one for ages 10-14.) This one is probably my favorite, though, because I think lots of us believe that we're mostly out of the woods by the time our kids turn three--we've survived the newborn stage, the 18-month-old stage, and the Terrible Twos, so what else could be so tough? But then 3 1/2 comes along and smacks us down, and it can be bewildering and awfully demoralizing. And it's hard not to think that it's something that we've done that's caused our kids to act like such intuitive little treasures one month and such unbearable beasts the next.

So while all the books are excellent, I'd say this is the one most of us will probably need to read just to keep our morale up for the adventure of parenting a three-year-old.

While I love this book, I also have to laugh at some of the assumptions it contains (it was written in the 70s, after all): All homes contain a married mother and father, the father works outside the home, the mother doesn't work outside the home, and they have financial and emotional resources aplenty. Um, right. But if you can put those assumptions aside and read for the wealth of information about children this age, you'll find lots to help you ease your mind.

Ames and Ilg observed that for kids this age, things seemed to run on a 6-month cycle of equilibrium and disequilibrium. So for awhile children would be fluent and cheerful, coordinated, learning new things all the time, and happy little kids doing things smoothly. Then they'd go through a period of being physically clumsy, stuttering, being in foul moods, and just having things go wrong a lot of the time. According to them, this is normal, so knowing that will help you wait out the periods of disequilibrium, and not get freaked out by things that are developmentally appropriate but seem like regressions (like stuttering).

The book talks about socialization with other children, emotional leaps, routines, "how the child sees the world," and all kinds of other interesting topics. When I read this book for the first time, my older son was in the disequilibrium phase of being three, and I was so relieved to read that some of the things I thought were peculiar to him (like suddenly not wanting to go outside to play) were actually common. It was nice to be able to read about little details of the day, like getting dressed.

The suggestions for how to deal with some of the problems are hilarious, partly because they're a little anachronistic, but also because they're just unflinching and deadpan. My favorite quote from the book comes from the section talking about how a three-year-old can be completely adversarial with the mother, because the mother is the one the child is most emotionally engaged with:

"Recognizing this fact, you will if at all possible enlist the services of a good baby-sitter for as much of the time as possible...This advice may seem like the all-time cop-out. It remains our best advice."

How could I not love this book? Instead of telling you you're doing everything the wrong way, it just flat out says that you can't change the child's reactions at a given stage, so instead just try to work around them. Or pay someone else to deal with your child for the six months of disequilibrium. (I guess my idea of Toddler Boarding School isn't that original.) It makes me laugh, but also really made me feel better about things when I was in the thick of that stage.

This book isn't going to be any kind of panacea for the problems you're having with your three-year-old. But it will give you benchmarks to see that your kid is actually normal, and that is such an enormous help, one that's actually better than giving specific techniques (which may or may not work on your particular kid anyway).

I don't tell people they need to buy books all that often, but this one I think is really handy to own, so you can read it through every few weeks to get a reality check. It's not expensive at $12 new, but it looks like there are tons of used copies available cheaply, so you could pretty much rent it for a year by buying it and then reselling it once your child turns four.

I know others of you out there have read this book. What did you think? Could you get past the anachronisms, or did they distract you too much?

 

Comments

[Amberjee]

I now wish I lived in ignorance of what is to come. I have a 9 month old, super challenging at the best of times little boy. So the first year is hard. 18 months is hard. the terrible twos are hard, 3 is hard. what isn't hard? sigh...

[Moxie]

FWIW, I didn't think the twos were hard either time. I think "terrible" is a misnomer. The thing I noticed about two is that your energy has to change. Instead of dealing with a lot of physical care, you're dealing more with their emotions. Once you've made the switch fully it's just a different groove. My mom's summary of it is that if you're getting enough sleep, two is fine, but if you're not, it can really be terrible.

[hedra]

I'm reading it now (I skip around too much, though).

The details are SO useful. Knowing that changes in dexterity are normal, both up and BACK... that's reassuring. (I've finished the 6 Yr Old one - I love that in the 6 one they mention that even vision changes and they use their eyes differently, and how that affects their behaviors... so interesting! The whole 'eating with hands again' thing, too.)

Um, anyway, I agree that it doesn't get HARDER, but it is ever challenging. What you do get used to is the fact that we as parents are always adapting and learning, and they're always changing. There's something of an expectation that at some point there will be some kind of stasis, some 'finally done with the effort of parenting' point. That's a myth. What's equally a myth is that just because an age is a new challenge, that this is necessarily a BAD challenge. Think of it more as like going to college - it's gonna be a challenge. But the more years you take new classes (all of them new or harder and/or more challenging), the more you know how to adapt, the more you can rely on your skills to study, understand what is expected, etc. Yeah, senior year may suck in some ways, but it is totally fun in others. And proceed to grad school, and that's hard hard work, but so much more of it flows smoothly, as all the years of learning how to learn have sunk in really well, and ... it's hard work, it's also really rewarding.

Two, love it. Three, love it. Four, love it. Five, Six, Seven... well, seven isn't my favorite, but I also know that it happens to overlap with MY issues badly, and it isn't just that it is Seven (and I know how to deal with seven now, so the next time I'll be a little better at spotting the issues). All of them are hard. But they get more subtle, and the challenges change - the physical challenge goes down, the mental challenge comes up, and in both cases, we adapt.

These books are great because they frame the challenges SO WELL. They clarify what is an insane fight that isn't worth bothering with (don't fret about table manners until 7, when they'll 'stick', say, and don't take the angst of 3-vs-mommy personally as it is JUST age-typical behavior and NOT personal), and give concrete examples of how to handle the typical behaviors that you CAN manage effectively.

I do find the anachronisms astonishing at times. The one in the 6-year-old one that stands out to me is the 'if your child is messy at dinner, have him/her sit as close to Mommy's end of the table as possible, and as far away from Daddy's end as possible' - it took me a couple of re-reads of that line to figure out that they meant that Daddy would be the authoritarian enforcer of neatness and manners and adult behaviors before adult behaviors were developmentally possible, and that mommy was more patient and flexible and understanding of children being children. Um. Wow. But I know that even my own family was somewhat like that in the 70's, and we were scary-enlightened feminists!

Glad you're recommending these again (and again) - I tried them out because of your recommendation (okay, some others, too, but yours kicked me off my behind to buy them), and am glad I did!

[SarcastiCarrie]

My favotire anachronism is in the 2-year old book (the only one I've read, but I doubt it gets better than this). At the end of the book, there is a Q&A session and a grandmother writes in about how she is disappointed in her daughter and *ashamed* because her daughter has not started to potty train her grandson who is _gasp_ two-years-old. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ashamed! And the authors patiently wrote that in these modern days (the '70s), parents are waiting until 2 or 2.5 to train. Ha ha ha ha ha.

They also suggested having mom leave the city for the summer and go to a cottage on a lake so the kid could roam unsupervised or something and give you a break!

[Jill]

A solution to my son in a book? And I just thought I'd offer him up on eBay to the highest bidder.

[Karie]

My mother-in-law bought me the set (1-6) when the bear was a baby. What a great gift!

I found the 6 month cycles of equilibrium/disequilibrium fascinating.
We never had Terrible Twos and now 3 is good too. Each age has been fun but with its own characteristics. And yes, she takes more and more of my energy as she gets older, but I'm sure it's more work for her too.

The anachronisms make me laugh! It's a different world now.

[Ally]

I'm skipping ahead to leave a comment about the quote about enlisting the help of a babysitter. This theme that runs throughout the book cracks me up. They go from the babysitter comment, to, maybe part-time preschool, really, in case you didn't get our hint, and finally, there's a point when they congratulate the working mother who obviously has the best of it at this age.

[luolin]

I picked up almost the whole set at a used bookstore, since I remembered Dawn/This Woman's Work recommending them. I've only read (ahead) the book about 1 year olds, so now I know why people talk about their kids hitting the terrible twos 6 months early (that same 6 month cycle). SarcastiCarrie--there was a similar toilet training Q and A in the *1*-year book.

Since my son's only 4 1/2 months, I can't say how useful the Ames and Ilg books are yet. I am eagerly awaiting a copy of Wonder Weeks via the library.

[Allison]

Oh, one more thing to read. NOW.

My daughter started "three" at about 2 years, 9 months, and really jumped into the swing of it since her birthday in September. Oh the joys and the head banging on the wall (mine, that is)!

The mood swings between mommy and daddy have been something to behold; she'll want, no NEED, my husband (her stepdad for the past year+)...only to act like he's made of poison a few moments later. It mostly rolls off my back, but boy, it's tough on him at times!

Off to amazon with me.

[SarahD]

My daughter isn't even two yet, and I think I need to read this book. (And possibly the one and two year versions, in fact, maybe I need the set.)

The hilarious thing is, I suspect a lot of the family-life anachronisms would actually apply to our family: husband works & is the less-patient would-be enforcer of various adult disciplines the kiddo can't possibly grasp now, while I'm the more-tolerant SAHM who thinks being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen is my dream job. (Seriously, it's been my ambition since childhood, and my parents were pretty free-spirited and egalitarian even.) Maybe I should start looking for more parenting books that were written in the 60s and 70s!

[Kristin]

Thanks for the recommendation, I will be checking it out from the library pronto!!

[enu]

3 was the only age that was tough with both my kids. One was a peach _until_ 3 and the other was relentless from birth til 4. So 3 was rough with each one.
Will it make y'alls feel a lot better and hopeful for the future to know that teenagers are actually fabulous and _not_ the way books present them? I'd take 13 over 3 any day! In fact, 3 may be the low point and it all gets better from there on.

[rudyinparis]

I'm going to buy this book as prep for Younger. I am SO glad to hear this conversation about 3 year olds. It's always about "the terrible twos" which I found to be not so bad--and then 3, with Eldest, was something of a horror. And the worst was feeling really unprepared--aren't the 2s the "terrible" time? What the heck is going on?! Eldest turned 4 a few weeks ago, and it really was like turning a corner. I am loving having a 4 year old and an 18 month old. It seems like the best of everything!

[magpie]

I love that quote! Frankly, full time daycare does the trick for me - it's almost like toddler boarding school.

[Ruth]

I love those books. I found them when my oldest, now almost 14, was small, and wore the 3yo book OUT re-checking it for reassurance when my second was that age.

[Amy F]

I was so glad to read this book. I have since bought the 4 and 5 year ones to have on-hand. Our family follows the mom-at-home-dad-at-work roles, so that was easy to deal with. Just as I began reading it, I took a temporary part-time job and Dad stayed home with the kids and to me, that felt like I was following her advice to let someone else deal with the 3 year old. My kid seems to be off on his cycling and I've been having more bad months than good (0-23 months were peachy, 24-33 months made me loony with his silent rebellion, 33-36 were great, 36-42 were tantrummy with lots of yelling, and now 42-44 have been better), but I do feel much more confident that everybody else has dealt with the things I'm seeing and he won't always refuse to go to playgroup or torment his brother.

[Lee]

Thanks for the terrific and entertaining review!

I hope you don't mind, but I based one of my posts solidly on this review. If this bothers you in any way, let me know and I'll take it down.

http://leesvoice.blogspot.com/2007/11/advice-to-parents-of-3-year-olds.html

[spoiledonlychild]

I am in the thick of three right now. I can say from here in the trenches, it truly is awful. It absolutely eclipses two. The only thing that gets me through is thinking that it has to get better after this year. Thanks for helping me find this book, and confirmation that my child is not just evil.

[Anne L.]

I reference these books constantly! The halfyear cycle is completely true and the techniques they offer for dealing, and letting yourself off the hook are awesome. Anyone have an opinion about their theories about body shape determining behavioral characteristics? That's the only thing I really kinda raise a big eyebrow to...