Q&A: 18-month-old tantrums

Cynthia writes:

"My eighteen month old daughter is very affectionate (loves to cuddle), but is also quite clingy.  I know this is age appropriate and so I make an concerted effort to make her feel secure, by giving her lots of physical contact, warning her when I'm leaving the room, etc.  Lately, however, she's started pitching fits, often when I'm not giving her the attention she wants.  She cries and tries to bury her head between my legs (if I'm standing) or in my lap (if I'm sitting).  My instinct is to hold her until she calms down, which happens quickly.  However, all of the books say to ignore the tantrum rather than cater to the child's attention-seeking demands.  The few times I've tried this, the fit escalates and my daughter is distraught for a long time.  Am I spoiling her by allowing her to have what she wants (attention from me), or am I simply giving her the comfort she needs when she's frustrated?"

This question is near and dear to my heart, because we're living through the exact same thing with my 18-month-old right now. Between the constant cuddling, head-burying tantrums, and the holding onto my legs as I try to walk, I'm beginning to get that jump-out-of-my-skin feeling, as I bet Cynthia is.

This age is rough. It's rough on the kids, because they have all these emotions and desires they don't know how to manage. Sounds like the back of a romance novel, but you know what I mean. All of a sudden they realize that it would by possible, hypothetically, to express their wills and get what they want. But they just can't seem to do it to make it work the way they want it to because the facility with language just isn't there yet (unless you've lucked out and have a signing superstar). That makes them little cauldrons of frustration and hurt.

It's really rough on the parents, because we're not only trying to figure out what on earth they're trying to tell us with all that straining and pointing and foot-stomping, but we're also the targets of all their frustration and anger and misery when they can't get what they want. No matter how well you know that they save it all up for you because they trust you most and feel comfortable with you, it's still just a gut-punch to have them smile and laugh with everyone else and cry and scream with you, seemingly all the time.

But back to how to handle the tantrums. I think there are three things you have to look at in any tantrum situation: 1) The kid's age, 2) the kid's personality, and 3) what you want to accomplish. IMO (well, duh, because this is my blog) ignoring the tantrums of an 18-month-old is going to be counter-productive. At this age they need so much guidance with everything, especially how to manage their feelings and communication. So ignoring the tantrum doesn't teach them anything at all, and it's not going to help them move through this stage on to a more pleasant one. That's not to say that sometimes kids don't get into a big loop you can't get them out of (that's personality a lot of the time) and the only thing that works to help calm them down is lack of stimulation (ignoring them is part of that), but in general they need guidance at this age to help channel their feelings. (That's also not to say that you don't sometimes have to ignore them because you can't take any more and if you don't walk out of the room you'll freak out. But that's managing your own emotions effectively, not managing your child's tantrum.)

So basically I don't think making the blanket policy decision to ignore the tantrums of an 18-month-old every time makes a lot of sense developmentally speaking. I also don't get why it's bad to give your child what s/he wants, especially if that's your attention. You had kids to ignore them? And how does withholding attention teach a child to be a loved, loving, secure person? I have to wonder about authors of books who are telling us to withhold emotion and comfort from our kids.

That's not to say that ignoring doesn't make perfect sense in other situations. Ignoring a tantrum can serve two purposes, and can be quite effective for older kids who have more self-awareness and more language. It can give a kid who needs to rage alone (maybe one who cries to release tension) the space s/he needs to do that. It can also work as a form of behavior modification, so it's stellar for older kids (and adults at holiday dinners) who are trying to control the emotional mood by throwing a fit. But most of that is better for kids over two, who have lots of language and who can make a decision about how they can be helped to feel better.

I always felt better about the tantrum when I could help the kid through it. For a baby (18-month-old) a lot of the time that means comforting. For a 2+-year-old, a lot of the time that meant saying, "It looks like you feel really bad. Do you want a hug or do you want me to leave you alone?" The first time they can tell you what will help them feel better, you feel like you just discovered the Rosetta Stone. Once the tantrum is over you can work on how to fix the problem that caused them to feel so upset. That evolves into "Go cry if you need to, and then come out and we'll talk about it when you're ready."

Hang in there. This stage is tough! So far it's my least favorite of all the stages (both times), and I just keep telling myself that if we can all survive until he's 21 months it'll get easier.

Comments

[anya]

Wait, I'm confused. It's supposed to get easier at 21 months? My almost 22-month-old behaves almost exactly like Cynthia's 18-month-old. I rarely ignore his crying, because it just feels wrong to me, and it doesn't seem to help much either - usually he just gets more and more worked up. However, I'm not psyched that he's learned that his tactics of screaming louder and hanging on me more are effective ways to get what he wants. I'm afraid that by the time he finally is better able to communicate what he needs the pattern will already be established. Has anyone dealth with a similar situation?

[HollyRhea]

Mine's 18-months, too. It is SO rough. The only time I employ the "ignore" method of handling her is when she hits me or hurts me in a way I've already warned her about. She smacks me, I hold her arm and tell her no or make her hand stroke my cheek "Touch soft". If she does it again, I put her down and don't look at her for a minute. It's upsetting to her, but only briefly. Then I immediately comfort her and act as if the episode is over. It always is.

[Maureen]

I have 18-month twin boys so it is a little different because we can't always hold the fussing child. One of my twins would carry on like your 18-month old whenever we changed his brother's diaper or were otherwise tied up with his brother. He'd lean into our legs and start flopping around and I was really worried he'd hurt himself doing this. So I asked the pediatrician what to do - he said we needed to ignore him when he was acting that way - just walk out of the room and keep moving around (slowly) so he wouldn't have a chance to attach himself to us or if we were changing his brother just ignore him (no comments, cause he said our reaction to it was giving him encouragement that it was working). Anyway, the first day was rough - he'd go for quite awhile (especially for my husband who was the one that would typically "cave in" before we started doing this). It was amazing - after about 2 days, the behavior pretty much went away and he seems fine. The one thing that really motivated us was that the pediatrician said we really needed to do it now because if he felt it was working, he might escalate to more hard core flopping and really hurt himself if we didn't stop it now. Hope that helps...

[Jennifer]

Arghh...my 12 month old has just started this behavior. Does that seem early? Does this mean that I'm in for a full year of tantrums? The first time it happened I was so shocked that I literally just stared at her like, "What happened to my little girl's sweet disposition?"

[Charisse]

Oh yeah, this is tough tough tough. It will be a lot easier a year from now to tell what's serious distress and what obnoxious manipulation. (I assume a year after that they will get better at disguising the latter as the former, but never mind.)

I got through this stage by re-reading Peneloope Leach, whose opinion on this makes a whole lot of sense to me. To wit: tantrums in themselves are scary and upsetting to kids just learning their emotions. If they're freaking out they need comfort. BUT, if they freaked in response to you saying no to something, or saying you're leaving or something, don't change your mind. Comfort the child and then go on with the course you originally planned. So the deal is, sweet baby, you always get comfort if you're upset, but you getting upset doesn't make mommy give you the lollypop.

We also added on to this a reward for calming down and dealing, but I think that was closer to 21 months. We kept a set of really special stickers handy and if we saw a tantrum coming we'd acknowledge her being upset and ask her if she needed a dragonfly sticker to (get out of the bath, let go of the filthy item, whatever). Usually she would shakily calm down and say yes. YMMV, keep it in mind.

The other thing is, even if they don't yet have a whole lot of expressive language, they can understand a huge amount. So, you can sometimes avoid the tantrums by talking to the kid in advance about what's coming next. (Tip from my daughter's daycare teacher around this age.)

Another general tip for this age: I developed a lot of street games to avoid tantrums over walking vs. being picked up when we were out and about. Some worked for inside the house--but you have to come up with "hey, can you find the blue spoon for mommy" before she comes up with "pick me up pick me up pick me up".

It's hard, but hang in there. You're not spoiling your kid.

[hedra]

Brilliant as usual, Moxie.

18 months, 21-22 months, both bad for us. 23 months, much better. Especially with the twins.

My advice is also: Comfort the distress. 18 months is still so young, so many systems are still developing.

And then try to figure out what skills/understanding she lacks that are setting specific events off. Coaching the skills (how to tell when I'm angry? what to do when I feel that way?), plus reassuring that these feelings are normal (modeling how you react when you're angry, in a way that is socially acceptable), is a big part of our plan at this age.

Also, we focus on communicating 'for' them if they can't (and helping with more signs if they need them). Verbalizing what's going on, and asking whether they feel X or Y (or Z - sometimes more than one feeling at once, so include a few options!), seems to make a big impact. A simple, 'you look disappointed that you didn't get a cookie' may turn a raging fit into a grieving fit, and I can comfort a grieving fit much more easily - I know what I'm comforting, and that helps!

Ignoring is a tactic that works well for some kids, but if it doesn't for yours, apply it with caution. One of my kids seems to have serious fears about being 'invisible' to us (funny, he's the middle child... though this has always been the case with him). I have to kind of split the ignoring process out very carefully with him. Ignore the behavior, but be very clear that I'm not ignoring HIM. I must continue to talk to him calmly, stay nearby, etc., as if he were not having a tantrum. I cannot walk away - from very early, he'd panic if I did. He clearly needed me there. But he didn't need my intervention, either. He'd calm himself down, but had to do it 'nearby'. So there are many possibles in the exact form of 'ignoring the tantrum'. If you listen to the responses you get from your child, I think you'll get a good picture of what works.

[Heather]

I agree that 18-months old is still so young. My son is almost 22-months and he is soooo much better now than he was at 18-months. He rarely has a tantrum and when he does, we are able to talk through it. The only times he does seem to get upset are transitioning from one activity to the next and that can be explained as we go along. He was also incredibly clingy and I often lamented his inability to do anything by himself. He seems to have matured so much in these few months and it has made a huge difference.

So, I guess I'm saying that at your daughter's age I feel that you should do as much comforting as possible and a lot of talking. You might need to change your tactics if she gets older and is still doing the same thing, but you will probably be pleasantly surprised that it passes as quickly as it came.

[Randa]

I know this is a bit of a late comment, but thanks for the post. My 16 month old is about to drive me insane, and it helps to know he is just being normal and not actually demon-possessed!

[Cynthia]

Thanks everyone for the advice. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this!

[Sara]

Just like Jennifer, my 12-month old is also doing this and has been for the last 2 weeks. My husband and I can't get anything done. If we leave the living room, he starts screaming and going into hysterics. We've tried to ignore him, but it doesn't seem to help. The thought of a year of this is nauseating.

[Michelle]

Once again Moxie - what would I do without you (and your fabulous archives)? Our son just hit 18 months and on top of that we had another baby 10 weeks ago. Just helps to know this behavior is normal at this age and The Dude's is probably worse since the Lil' Sis showed up just a couple months ago.

I am constantly thinking of the roller coaster scene at the end of the movie Parenthood...hey, whatever gets you through, right?

[Heather Burton]

I serve a family with a 18 month old that throws everything. His mom does not say anything to him about not throwing things. He has a 4 month old sister and I am worried. He tries to pull things out of your hands and swings his arms back and forth. I need dicipline that is age appropriate and I do not see him sitting for a minute in time out. I have spoken to mom about using redirection, any other ideas?

[Michelle]

My 18 month old daughter is having tantrums more often now. She cries for long periods and constantly points to things that she wants. The problem for me is she won't calm down long enough for me to get the item (thing), I think she wants. Once she gets started with a tantrum.....watch out! It can last a long time. (It seems like forever)

Although she has these tantrums at home; she does not have any at daycare. Why? Is she bored, not stimulated enough?

It's hard dealing with this stage but this site has given us hope. I feel better days will come.

Thanks

[Susan]

Michelle,

Something that works well for throwing objects is saying "No throwing. If you throw the blocks again we will have to put them away." If the kiddo continues throwing the blocks, they are taken away until the next day. If he throws every toy in your house - then he'll have no toys left to play with! (I've never seen it get that far but thought it might a couple of times!)

[Susan]

Your child throws tantrums with you but not at daycare because she is more comfortable with you and feels safe. It is not because she is bored. Your child knows that you'll love her no matter how she acts.

[susan]

yay archives! i remember reading this when baboo was wee, thinking: for the 'later' file. and now, he's 18 mos, and IT .. IS ... LATER!!!! o boy o boy. The comments help so much because we do wonder if we should soothe his fits or ignore him. I have to ignore him for 30 secs if he's hitting me, like Holly above, but otherwise I try to get down to his level and make myself available to him in any way he needs.

I also battle between distracting him out of his fit or letting him experience and come out of it himself ... it's a tough one.

[tabu]

my daughter is 18 months now and has only started having tantrums after i had another baby 2 months ago. the trigger is usually saying no to something she wants - but the last few days she has been waking in the night crying and only settles down if we take her for a drive, but that's not something i want turning into a habit. any ideas?

[Robin]

I have a daughter that is now 11 months old and has been having tantrums since 7 months and these are full blown. She throws herself to the floor and kicks her legs and screams and cries til you give in to her. Any suggestions?????

[Claudia]

I have a 18 month boy, and yes its been really difficult. I dont like the fact that he throws everything away. If he doesnt want something, he throws it. I really dont know how to control that. I gave him time out and test him to see if he learned his lessons, and still continous to throw everything away, even if we eating on the table he doesnt want no more food, boom he throws it all out, Gosh!!! I dont like when he does that. Any advices???

[Garry]

I have an 18 month old son who has a bad temper. When he is with me he acts fine, but with my wife he is a totally different kid. He constantly wines/cries/throws temper tantrums. Lately he has been waking up at different times during the early morning screaming his little head off, reasons that I can not understand.

[Donna]

Thanks for all the comments, new and old. I was really starting to think my daughter was a "difficult" kid, but is seems that she's pretty normal. I have an older son who was just a very easygoing toddler and had minimal meltdowns & tantrums. I guess he was the abnormal one! She does the whining, crying, flailing stuff and just this morning threw a spoon because I threw away the foil lid from her applesauce container. Like Garry posted above, my daughter has also started waking at different times in the early morning (anywhere from 2 AM until 6 AM) and will be hard to calm down. She'll want mom, but not dad. Or she'll want you to hold her and walk around but not sit down. Or she's fine to sit down, as long as it's anywhere but her bedroom. This kind of thing happens 2-3 times a week and has been going on for a month or so (she's 18.5 months). Letting her cry in her crib hasn't worked -- we've tried and after 10 minutes of louder and louder screaming, gave up. Since I don't know WHY she's upset, it's hard to just leave her there. I'd feel bad if she had a nightmare or something and then I just ignore her crying about it. We always start by trying to calm her down without getting her out of bed. Some days it works and other days it doesn't. With all that said, I think (hope) the night-waking thing is just a phase and I'm just hoping she gets through it soon.

[Beatrice]

Oh Boy. The post from Donna is way too familiar. My son is 18 months old and I can tell you just the same stories verbatim as what Im reading here on these posts. I'm at the point where I dont know what to do. Do I just ignore him and let him cry and cry and scream louder by the second while he is pulling on my hand to take me somewhere and when we get there he doesnt want anything in paticular? He also does the push between my legs thing with a whiney cry and if I dont pick him up, he flops himself on the floor calling for "mama" and I'm right in front of him. The worst is at night when its time to go to bed. Lately it has been every night with the waking up at 2am,3am,5am, etc...with screams for either me or daddy. Will we get past this? and when? I'm tired and I'm miserable from worry and sleepless nights. Help!!

[Mawmaw]

I really enjoyed knowing that my daughter is not the only parent having these same difficulties, Sorry. Her 18 month old does all of the above and wakes all hours of the night for her consoling. I really wish that the parents from 2007, as an example, would have come back and given an update on their child. Although it's nice to know that you're not alone, it would really help to get some proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
She also has a newborn. And that limits her ability to react to tantrums that we believe are caused by the sleep deprivation.
Anyone know of any other helpful websites?