Q&A: SCREAMING!

Today I have two questions about kids screaming and shrieking.

Brooke writes:

"My son is 14 months old.  When he was younger (about 9 months old) he use to scream A LOT (all day long)!!  I ignored it, acted like I did not even hear him and he eventually stopped.  Now he has started back to shrieking again and I am not sure what to do.  He is older now and I know he understands better.  I know giving him attention for his screaming is giving him what he wants, but when we are out and he is screaming it is so bothersome to others, so I tell him "Tyler No, No screaming!"  And of course he stops for a little while and then begins to scream at the top of his lungs again.  Should I continue to tell him "No" or just completely ignore him like I do not even hear him?  I almost feel like others around me feel like I am a Mom that is just not doing anything about her screaming child.  What would you do?"

I'd get some heavy-duty earplugs and a bottle of wine. Seriously, though, all the advice about ignoring it is great if you sit around in a soundproofed room all day, but it's not so helpful when you're out in the world and your kid is shrieking like he's being poked with a sharp stick.

He's on the young end for talking about it, but you have to start somewhere, so start rehearsing with him before you go out that "We're going to use our inside voices" when you're out and about. If he starts to scream, remind him that you're going to talk quietly. If he still keeps screaming, leave. You don't want to back yourself into any corners by threatening to leave if he screams (especially since he really can't always control his impulse to shriek at this age), and sometimes you're going to have to go back in to get the milk or whatever you were buying from the store. So don't do any threatening or ultimatums so you don't end up having to carry them out. Just calmly take him out when he screams, and then go back in if he gets calm again or if you need to complete a transaction.

You're being responsible by not allowing him to annoy others by taking him out, but you're also promoting good behavior by telling him exactly what you want him to do (talk quietly) instead of what you don't want him to do (SHRIEK!).

None of this is going to fix the problem overnight, but it's all a process at this age anyway. An annoying, mind-numbing, teeth-clenching process. Hang in there.

Jamie writes:

"My son is 8 months old and a few weeks ago he started screaming.  When I say screaming I don't mean crying - it's a deep guttural scream.  He screams whenever he's unhappy - when his diaper is being changed, he wants a bottle, we've taken something away, he's in his highchair, etc.  Because the scream is connected to an unhappy moment I understand that he's not hurt, but it's slowly chipping away at my sanity.  I've tried distracting him by singing, tickling, playing peek-a-boo.  I've tried ignoring him.  Now I pick him up and sit with him until he's done.  Yesterday he screamed until he fell asleep.  It was not near naptime or bedtime.  He screamed until his body shut down.  I don't know what to do.  Suggestions?"

It seems a little early to me for him to be reaching the phase of physical exhaustion and rage from not being able to make himself understood, but maybe he's just advanced. The inability to control himself when he's frustrated that turns into a scary physical symptom (the gutteral screaming) sounds exactly like what some older kids (young toddler age) go through when they just can't get the adults to understand what they want to communicate.

I would see if trying to help him put things into language helps. While you're doing something he doesn't like and you see him getting upset, try talking about how you imagine he feels. For example, "You don't like to have your diaper changed and it's making you feel very angry. You want to scream and kick until Mama leaves you alone!" See if that helps him feel a little more understood. If he has very good receptive language it might alleviate things a lot. Even the tone you use might make him feel more understood.

And if you haven't already started it, you might start teaching him some sign language. Some babies that age can do simple signs like "milk," more," "all done," "sleep," and others. There are books and videos you can buy (Kate's daughter adores the Signing Time series), but I'm too cheap for that, so I just look up our signs on the Michigan State University American Sign Language Browser site. It's amazing how much less frustration children have if they can make even a few of their needs known.

I hope you can help him make himself understood. It's such a rough thing for young children, and your son sounds particularly eager to communicate.

Comments

[Jo-Ann]

I have to agree with the signing thing. My oldest had an ear piercing screech when he could not communicate what he wanted. A few basic signs cut the screeching down by 75%. It saved my sanity. We didn't teach sign language per se but just a few hand signals for things he needed. (food, drink, nurse, ect ect) it worked like a charm.

[foodmomiac]

Another endorsement of signing from me. Our son is 14 months tomorrow (!!!!!), and he is a bigtime screamer. However, MOST of the screams can be translated as "give me that!" So, we taught him to sign "please." We still need to remind him all of the time, but as he realizes that signing "please" gets him stuff, he is slowly improving. We also make a BIG deal of his successes; "OH you said PLEASE!! What a big boy! Of COURSE you can have this! Thank you SO MUCH for asking so NICELY!"

[Kate]

Heh, heh, she's got a snotty cold so is watching Signing Time right now :-) (We just got some of the more "advanced" DVDs--would you believe there is a sign for playground but not for park? Sheesh.)

Although we didn't have so much shrieking at the infant/early toddler stage, she does a lot of it NOW (27 months), when she *does* have the words but is looking!for!immediate!attention! I have been trying to direct her that using a loud voice is something--like jumping and playing ball--that we do outdoors. The success is only partial, however. On all fronts.

[hedra]

Third plug for signing! DH and I took an ASL class together years ago, so that was an easy step for us.

Also, around 7-8 months, there's a leap in comprehension, and some kids seem to start feeling like they're being dragged through their life without any control. I'd scream, too! Beyond verbalizing their feelings, verbalizing what you're doing with them and why may help for some kids. For example, one of my two screamers (Brendan), hated hats with a passion, regardless of weather. One morning when he was about 8 months old, I was trying to get a hat onto him so we could get to the car. It was POURING icy rain outside, and he was having NONE of the hat. In a moment of brilliance, I carried him to the door, told him about the rain, showed it to him, had him touch the glass on the door (chilly), explained that it was cold, and I wanted him to wear his had JUST until we got to the car, to keep his head warm and dry. I plopped the hat on his head again... and he didn't freak out! WOO! I carried him to the car, and the instant his head was inside, he grabbed the evil hat and flung it. He'd *understood*. WOO! And I understood that I needed to tell him the reasons why. Why are we in the car, the store, the stroller, when you want to be somewhere else? Why do you need a diaper change, why am I feeding you now? This also illuminated the times that I was doing things that weren't really necessary right then. I'd start the 'why' part, and realize it was some old script I was playing out, and not actually relevant!

With older kids (usually 15 mo or older), I also go back to the Big Three again (the Safe, Respectful, Kind) - screaming hurts the ears. We use gentle, inside voices. Why? Because loud voices hurt; they're not safe, respectful, or kind to our ears.

I also want to note that these kids both may be in fussy stages (see the book 'The Wonder Weeks'), and explain what a 'fussy stage' feels like from the inside. I can remember back into infancy (including to when my father was experienced just as The Large Warm One), and those fussy stages were pretty overwhelming. Everything was bright, sparkly, shiny, loud, textured, intense. It was like all my senses were turned up to full volume, full sensitivity, and I could not filter any of it. It was beautiful, surreal, exhausting, joyful, painful, rich, and overwhelming, all at once. I can remember one morning when the burning bright flashes of sunlight reflected off dew in the grass like explosions into my eyes, the green grass so green I needed to touch it NOW to see if it's green-ness would absorb into my skin as deeply as into my eyes, the air was cool and I could feel it on every surface of my exposed skin at once, meanwhile I could feel the difference between the smoothness of the fabric of my clothes and the bunchiness of the seams. My diaper was too bulky, the birdsong too clear, my mother's arms overpoweringly warm and sweet, her laugh luch and intoxicating ... it was CRAZY, unbearable, and I wanted to experience every micron of it at once. Being able to flash back to that experience helps me understand why a child would totally freak out over something miniscule to our experience. It is only our perspective that makes it feel minor. To them it is the whole universe in a moment of time. It is ALL, it is all-encompassing. I do still forget, sometimes. Like this morning, when I really just needed Meriel to get enough dressed (cold rainy day) so we could take her to my moms and we could go to work, and she really just needed to feel the cool air on all her skin at once. Not sure that I made the right choice by wrestling her into her clothes ... she screamed like we had murdered the day, screamed to express her fury, and then sobbed in grief at the experience denied. Fortunately, in a moment the day was new again, and she was joyfully experiencing the soft shirt and trompy shoes. Phew!

Sorry, another long comment from me... I hope it is helpful!

[erika]

Wow, Hedra, it's amazing that you remember that experience so vividly. I remember very little from my childhood. Also - why don't you have a blog? You have a lot of very useful information to share. I would read it. ;)

[christie]

Signing: absolutely. My 3.5yo son has gone through a couple of stages of screaming -- he's more verbal now, but when he was younger the signs were a godsend. My daughter liked them and used them, but my son deeply needed that communicative device.

I think right now Adam gets so overwhelmed with strong feelings that he can't FIND his words. It helps when I verbalize for him and let him indicate whether I'm identifying his feelings correctly (similar to what you would do for a preverbal child, because he gets so far into his reptile brain that he might as well be a one-year-old).

In recent days I've been saying, "Do you want to be by yourself, or do you want me to stay with you?" Thinking about that choice sometimes lets him bust out of whatever caused the fit in the first place.

[Shandra]

My son started around 8 or 9 months too, and the signing helped immensely once he got it (around 10 mos). Until then it was mostly just get through it - we also taught him "trade" rather than taking things away, and I was really careful to tell him what was about to happen before it happened, why we were doing things, and make games where possible - which may or may not have helped but it gave me something to do. :)

I love the Signing Time dvds, they rock.

[Charisse]

Yeah. Boy. What a lot of people have said, plus he may be a kid whose awareness is way ahead of his physical development. If he's not crawling yet, you might still be thinking of him as a little baby whereas he may be up to all kinds of older baby thinking but just be slower (with nothing wrong) on the mobility side. We didn't have the exact kind of shrieking, but Mouse was totally that kind of baby. I heartily endorse the advice to talk and explain to him as much as you can. That really helped her with the frustration--we would almost narrate everything we did with her, and she would pay attention and be happy. Ignore her at your peril though--boredom was the major enemy.

We didn't ever get into signs (she was clearly struggling for words at 9 months and got some at 10...didn't crawl until 12, go figure that) but I think it's a fine idea as are LOTS of books, lots of exposure to language. Seriously, just explain how an elevator works, who the people on the bus might be, whatever--as long as it's actual content it will probably help.

Good luck! If it turns out he is that kind of kid, you will probably have many fewer tantrums when he's 15-18 months and able to express himself. :)

[hedra]

Erika, thanks. No blog - considered it, but... no, rather add my thoughts to Moxie's, than try to duplicate her excellent work. I'll let Moxie know when my book is done, though (topic: Motherhood, bet you aren't surprised). It should only take a few more years, at my current slow rate, LOL!

I will say that I am always amazed, impressed, and humbled by the majority of mothers who 'get so much right' without remembering such things from childhood consciously. I love that I do remember these things, and I hope my children have long memories, too (long memory is a common trait in my family). But those memories offer insight that we could also get from just trusting that our child is genuine and is reacting honestly and with very good reason. I also have to be careful not to assume too much - my child's experience may be similar at times, but I can blow it badly if I assume it is the same.

[Diane]

Fascinating info and comments! Hedra, I love that you remember so far back. Glad to hear there's a book in the works. Let us know when it's out there! I'd love to take a look. I think your memories so far back are great insight. I remember far back too, but not that far. Earliest is about 2 yrs., so I'm looking forward to having that to rely on when my son hits that age. As for now, I'm in the dark about what goes on in that fuzzy little head.

[Diane]

Fascinating info and comments! Hedra, I love that you remember so far back. Glad to hear there's a book in the works. Let us know when it's out there! I'd love to take a look. I think your memories so far back are great insight. I remember far back too, but not that far. Earliest is about 2 yrs., so I'm looking forward to having that to rely on when my son hits that age. As for now, I'm in the dark about what goes on in that fuzzy little head.

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