Q&A: teaching self-confidence

Karla writes:

"i recently ran into an old highschool alumni at the mall.  I couldn't remember her name.  I called a good friend of mine (from highschool), and we started flipping through our old year books to see if we could remember this girl's name.  We began talking about who we would be friends with now, had we not felt the need to be friends with the not-so-nice, rebellious, back-stabbing, cool kids.  We didn't even have that much fun in highschool, because we spent so much of our time competing with and comparing ourselves with everyone else.  Oh, the stress!  I know that these feelings are usually
outgrown, but still....I would LOVE for my kids to not go through that pressure-ever.  I hope that they are more self-confident (and therefore simply have fun and not care about being "cool".)  I know most of our kids are younger, but I think that teaching self-confidence STARTS young.  What books can you suggest and what advice do you offer for teaching kids to love themselves starting right now?"

My older son is only 4 1/2, so I don't have any kind of proven track record. For that I think we'd have to look to parents of older kids, and I'm hoping that some of them (Lisa V? Carosgram? NumNum? Kathy?) will add in their opinions. But it's my suspicion that what gives people self-confidence and the courage to avoid being swayed by popular opinion is feeling understood and valued for who we are.

If we can listen, really listen, to our kids, and avoid putting our own expectations on them as much as possible (aside from normal expectations of civilized conduct) and value them for who they are, then they'll feel that they're fundamentally OK just as they are. That turns into self-confidence as they grow older.

I guess I kind of knew that, but my latest rereading of Haim Ginott's Between Parent and Child (seriously, why isn't every new parent given a copy of this book before leaving the hospital?) just really hit me with the idea that all any of us ever wants is to be valued for who we are. Not told we're a "good girl" or "smart kid," but really understood and seen as unique. The book has influenced a lot of the way I (try to) interact with my boys, and even my husband. Instead of generic praise that puts my expectations on the boys ("You're such a great kid") I try to praise their specific behavior and qualities ("I felt so happy when you drew that picture for me" or "You really know what will make your brother laugh."). I'm certainly not perfect, or even all that good, at it. But that's why I try to reread the book at least once a year, to try to get the more useful patterns to become my first instincts.

Another book I've found immensely useful is Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting. It helps me focus on keeping interactions strife-free so they can be learning experiences and opportunities for my kids to learn self-control without feeling like I'm backing them into a corner. Instead of arguing with my son about putting on his pajamas, I can turn it into a silly pajama race. It'll take the same amount of time for the task to be completed, but arguing puts both of us in a bad mood, while the race makes both of us feel silly and relaxed, and sets up the next night for stress-free pajama racing.

I'm hoping that by knowing that I appreciate them for who they are individually and what they do, and by feeling that most of our interactions are positive and that they don't have to be afraid of me, they'll feel confident in their own worth and ability to solve problems and make decisions. (And maybe they'll even be able to write sentences that don't run on.)

What do you all think? What are the central principles you're trying to get across in your communications with your kids? How are you teaching them to be true to themselves?

Comments

[Jody]

That's my take on self-confidence, too -- and my two resources, Ginott's book is on my bedtable right this minute.

I will add, somewhat depressingly, that being able to volunteer in preschool showed me vividly that some kids just have a charisma and seem to draw everyone around themselves like moths to flame. I think that part of the "cool kids" dynamic is embedded in human behavior very young, and is peer-driven, and probably something parents can armor kids against but never actually eliminate.

FWIW, I think being the flame can be as rough as being the moth, in those sorts of social dynamics.

I also think parents praise and berate, and label generally, based on their own perceptions of school heirarchies. We had our kindergarten open houses last night and already you can see that some parents are actively fostering competitiveness, etc., even when their kids aren't even in the room. So again -- we can raise our kids to be true to themselves, but we probably can't save them from being caught up in peer culture, with its heirarchies.

Someone else JUST wrote a blog piece about the high school dynamic. I wish I could remember who it was. Almost everyone's answer to the high-school dilemma was to get your child involved in one or two activities separate from school (in which the participants are not simply the same kids your child sees at school), so they get the chance to excell at something AND to have a social network that isn't just replicating the high-school power dynamic. I KNOW that was true for me -- without my church youth group, whose members came from seven or eight different school districts -- I would probably not have survived high school as well as I did.

[Asha]

What a wonderful topic. I have much to say, none of which is intelligible -- mostly just feelings and intuition. But one thing I try to do whenever possible is to encourage my kids to be proud of *themselves* when they accomplish something, not just to bask in the reflected glow of *my* pride. Because, in the end, if you do it to please your teacher, or to impress your girlfriend, or to molify your mama, but you forget about feeling good about it yourself, you lose most of the potential for esteem-building.

I recently went to my 20-year HS reunion, and all those highschool feelings came back as memories...the complex social mores and the subtle interplay between kids. I think it's unavoidable, to a certain extent. I just hope to foster strong "social backbones" in my kids -- a good sense of self-awareness -- so, although they will have to deal with all the HS crap, they at least know who they are.

[hedra]

I have four kids. The oldest is almost 9, the second almost 5, the twins almost 2. Hardly ‘done cooking’ yet! But you can have my thoughts so far.

Our entire parenting process has been centered on respect for and regard for our children. We’re not here to make them into something good, we’re here to not break or ruin who they already are, because that is already good. (As I tell the kids all the time – most of the ‘annoying stuff’ is just age-related, and when your brother is 35, he won’t be doing this stuff anymore!’)

Not breaking them takes a huge amount of parental effort, frankly. It takes working hard to read them, to learn them so we can provide openings for them to explore, opportunities to expand their skills, experiences to improve their strengths, time and challenges to fill in their own gaps in their own ways, and chances to explore their joys and passions.

We completely blow this regularly, and they’re always developing out from under our parenting skills, but this is still the heart of it. Respect and regard. Letting them be who they are. We’re just trying to usher them through the stages of their development until they’re done cooking – without messing with the recipe or the temperature or the cooking time.

What that translates to in action is:

1) Making up for things when we blow it.
2) Including them in decisions, planning, and schedule/structure design.
3) Problem-solving rather than blaming/punishing.
4) Praising what they do (effort and success), and also cherishing what they love (joys, interests, and passions).
5) Collaborating more than giving hierarchical direction.
6) Assuming they can do it, they just need guidance and practice (sometimes years of practice!).
7) Recognizing that most frustrations and annoyances are age/development issues, and not character/personality issues.
8) Loving them because they’re the only them there is, and they’re the very best them that anyone could ever be.
9) Starting with what they can succeed at most of the time (80%), and raising the bar as we go.
10) Letting them try.
11) Letting them continue to do it for themselves once they can. Even when it is irritating as all get out and takes forever.
12) Not letting them off the hook for the rules, either.

Lots of other things along the same lines.

Our house rules are also principles-based, rather than actions-based. Which means that they have to think things through for themselves, assess for themselves (initially with our help), and decide how to act/react/respond. This not only says ‘we respect you’ but also ‘we trust you’ and ‘we expect you to think for yourself’. (Our house rules are: Safe, Respectful, and Kind. Safe is first, but everything must pass all three tests, *including* parental actions. If more than one option remains, Prudent is the final test. This means that we don’t yell: “Gabe, No hitting people with sticks!” but “Gabe! Three rules!” or “Gabe! Safe?” – and we never come up against ‘we don’t have a rule for that yet!’ – these apply to everything. Woo!)

Which is not to say that we have no 'problems' - Brendan bit and hit at school, and Meriel is scared to death of new people, Gabe panicked at transitions, Rowan is pushy... but these are all age-related, developmental, and the 'who I am and what I expect' shines right through. They are SOLID. That core is bedrock. They shine.

If it shows at this age, I hope to heck it is enough to help them weather the issues of high school. I know that so far, the older two are unmoved by peer pressure - even though the younger prefers to be a follower, he follows in general patterns only, and will not let his passions, ideas, interests, or path be changed by his 'leaders'. The older one is a leader by nature, but does not care one whit whether anyone follows. He leads himself, thanks, and if someone comes with, hey, whatever!

[iheartnewyork]

Wow -- Hedra -- love that response. Wise words to parent by. Thanks

[carabeth]

Hedra. Yes, Yes! I've tried to describe how I feel as a parent, more of a stewart or caretaker than I would have thought. I'm just here to take care of these little beings until thay can manage it themselves. And the three rules, alright if I put those on my fridge?

[carabeth]

Oh, and one book I will be reading in a few years is Hold on to your kids, by Gordon Neufeld. Here's a little description of his book. http://www.gordonneufeld.com/book.php
I haven't read it yet, so I can't say for sure, but the bits and pieces I've heard about him I find myself agreeing with...

[Kathy]

Another great topic, Moxie!

I have a one-year old daughter and a nine-year old stepdaughter. I find myself having to check myself for praising how "pretty" they are all the time, instead of telling them that they are smart or thoughtful or some other more worthy adjective.

My stepdaughter is overtly aware of the emphasis our society places on a woman's appearance (I personally blame the Disney Channel with all its 'tween popstar series). When she first came into my life, I would sometimes mention I was dieting or I was displeased somehow with my appearance. Now I know better. A girl's self esteem is a fragile thing and I want to do my best to foster theirs.

[Num Num]

From the grammy gallery: I agree totally with Moxie about specific-based compliments. That's the way your children learn what they are good at and what that means in the world.

It's very important to know that the world is full of people who are only too glad to tell your children, at any age, what is wrong with them. Your role is to emphasize for them and with them what their strengths are. Play to them as you raise your kids.

Teach them that mastery is as much fun as succeeding at something for which you have an affinity. You don't have to run away from most things. There's nothing like the great feeling you get when you've mastered something you doubted you could.

The best thing is something I did but was unaware of until Moxie pointed out that her mom did it. Whenever I talk to or see my children or grandchild, it's the absolute best part of my day, even if I've seen them the day before. My kids delight me. Do your best to let them know that.

[Shandra]

I think all these suggestions are good ones. Personally though I think there are two separate issues. One is how to help your child develop self-confidence which is where I agree pretty much with what everyone's said. I think self-confidence is /one/ of the key tools for getting through that stuff. But it's not the only one.

For reading I kind of recommend Barbara Coloroso's Kids are Worth It! which has some of the most succinct statements about letting kids develop their own minds & senses of worth and responsibility that I've read, and Mary Pipher's Reviving Ophelia (and related book The Shelter of Each Other) for just a look at how some girls, in particular, go through that transformation from 10 year old wonder woman! to 14 year old withdrawn upset individual (and how families can buffer some of that, but can't eliminate the very real pressures out there). (I'm recommending those based on having worked with kids those ages. 'Cause my own is too little yet. :))

I completely agree with Jody that having other social/activity groups is another big key, and I also think where possible having one's child involved in some inter-generational stuff is a big help.

I also personally think that having a family philosophy/adult modelling of being relatively comfortable with one's own flaws and not obsessed with one's own social ranking and being kind to others and not commenting on people's quirks of appearance etc., etc. is really important. Even obvious political targets. :)

Even so I think kids will go through some of that if only because even a perfectly balanced kid (whoever that might be :)) will be interacting with all his or her friends who are having different responses to the "Lord of the Flies" ages. So I guess I'm kind of getting at - it would be really nice if our kids didn't go through what we all did, but they probably will go through at least a bit of it. Maybe the thing is to help them not be quite so isolated as they're going through it.

[hedra]

feel free to nab the rules.

Shandra, I like your points. There's no way to prevent the emotional storms they'll be sailing through. What I want is that they have a) the internal structure, and b) the skills, to make it through safely. I think my post was largely about the structure (the interal stuff, the 'knowing I'm loved and lovable' parts), but I completely agree that the skills, and the guidance, and all the other stuff is important as well.

I love Reviving Ophelia. I also love Real Boys (for sons, whose emotional process is battered by peer process way before high school, IMHO!). I also like anything that helps them learn to THINK, like the "Habits of Mind" approach to education (books at ASCD, I think). Those are all skills issues, as well as self-esteem issues.

Beyond that, I'll also agree with Num Num that a grasp of mastry, over time and with no 'final grade', is important (espcially if the skill concept is separated from the talent concept). We talk to our kids regularly about the difference between talent/gift and craft/skill. Both are important and useful, but you can only influence the latter. Having a sense that they CAN influence their skill level, that's another thing that can help them weather storms - because no, we can't protect them from life, and life has rough parts. Learning skill/mastry teaches them (IMHO) that it is more about learning than making the grades, and we're not done learning even when the grades come in, and the next time can be better or at least different, as we gain skills as we go.

And model model model. I took voice lessons, despite 'no talent'. Skill goes a long way. I also did a year of Tai Ji Quan classes with our oldest, to teach him that the process (going to class, practicing, watching, learning how to learn from others in the class, refining skills over time, etc.) was a) important, and b) something he could do. He had no patience with it to start, and just wanted to jump to the goal. Now, a year later, he understands much better that progress is measured in many ways, and not always by the 'ta da!' moments. Part of that learning was watching me learn, along with him, and the two of us talking about it on the drives to and from class.

[Num Num]

Hedra is right. Modeling is right up there with the five most important things to do. Be confident in your personal life, your personality, your work, your habits of discipline, and your child will admire that.

[Shannon - PHAT Mommy]

Wonderful post and super comments. I'd like to recommend Alfie Kohn's books.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.html

Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting are both excellent and focus on respecting the child.

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