Preventing PPD 4: Finding your tribe

(This is part 4 in my “Preventing Post-Partum Depression” series. You can read the other installments linked from here. If you're reading this because you already have PPD, don't try to suffer through it. Tell your partner and your provider, and get help. It's easily treatable and is not your fault.)

Once you make it through the first few weeks, you're going to need to start focusing on finding friends to spend time with.

We (Westerners, I mean) have a bizarre idea that it's normal and healthy for one adult to be alone at home, isolated, with a child or children. I'm not sure when this became the expectation, but it's highly unnatural. Anyone who's spend a whole workday alone with a child can attest to the fact that it's just strange to be the only one on task all day long, whether your child is a cluster-nursing explosive-pooping newborn, or a cat-gluing Candyland-playing preschooler.

In other cultures, parents live with other adults who are around all day to help them care for their children. They get more conversation, they get more sleep, they get more validation, and I'll bet they get a lot less PPD.

Since it's not practical to move back in with your parents (and invite your aunts and uncles and cousins to move in, too), you'll need to create your own tribe in your community.

If you're part of a group of friends who have kids already, you've got a tribe. They already know what it's like, and how it's important to be there physically, not just emotionally. But if all your friends are childfree, or their kids are older, or you're new to the area, you're going to have to set out deliberately to make new friends.

Wait! Keep reading. I know the thought of having to make new friends as an adult, especially when you're feeling lumbering and cranky and stinky, is painful. But new parenthood is the first time since college that it's actually easy to make new friends, since everyone else is feeling equally adrift and hungry for the friendship of other people having the same experience they are.

The most obvious places to start are with the couples in your chidbirth education class before you have the baby. Their children will be the same age your baby will be, so you'll all be going through the same stages together. There's a 90% likelihood that something funny or stupid will happen in your childbirth ed class (and you may luck out and have a truly odd teacher), so this is the perfect way to vet your friendship prospects. Look around the room, and watch for the other couple having the same reaction you are. If you're trying to stifle your laughter, there's going to be another couple doing that, too. If you're speechless in shock at someone's comment (or one of the movies--oh, the movies!), then look around for the other couple struggling to process it, too.

When class is over, arrange to walk out at the same time your prospective friends are walking out. Then extend an invitation: "She's really hungry, so we're going to Friendly's. Would you like to come along?" Then as you're walking out or are on your way to the restaurant, you can strike up conversation by alluding to the happenings in class.

If you're reading this after your baby is born, and thinking about The Couple That Got Away from your childbirth class, it's not too late at all. If you got a roster of class couples, just call and leave a message with the excuse that you're calling to find out about their baby and how everything went. If you don't have a roster, call the teacher and ask if there's going to be a class reunion party so you can see everyone again.

Another good place to find friends is in your breastfeeding support group. (Remember? It's the one you researched and checked out while you were still pregnant.) There's nothing that promotes bonding like being topless in a room together. And you know the other moms there will be just as tired and freaked out as you are (even if they managed to put on lipstick for the meeting). Don't feel bad if you're struggling with the nursing and are supplementing with formula. The leader of the group will understand, and the other moms will, too. (If any don't, then you know who to avoid anyway.) If nothing else, going to the breastfeeding support group might make you feel a little better about how things are going for you and your baby, because there's always someone there with a situation worse than yours.

You can also try going to new mothers' groups in your area. Some are run through hospitals or birth centers, and some through parenting centers, YMCAs, childbirth educators, or houses of worship. Remember that it's not important that you like the whole group or the facilitator of the group. You're only there to meet one or two women you find tolerable like. It's a bonus if you learn something or find the whole group fun.

Don't fall into the trap of looking for someone else who looks just like you. That lady with all the tattoos and a baby named Spider might have the same ideas about positive discipline that you do. That woman with the matching sweater set and hair that's not only washed but combed might be viciously funny. Your future best friend might be the woman who's 10 years younger (or older) than you are. The woman who talks too much could turn out to be your greatest ally in the fight for sanity and good humor, and the woman who doesn't say anything at all could be the one who helps you keep it together during the 9-month sleep regression.

So look around for the other woman who's rolling her eyes at the dopey comments. But don't rule out the others. You're probably not at your sparkling, logical best at this point in your life, so be willing to give others a second and third chance.

The logistics of making the leap from group allies to actual friends is pretty simple: As you're leaving the group, approach the woman you want to get to know and mention that you're going to get an iced coffee/smoothie/wheatgrass juice/gin and tonic/whatever moms drink where you live. Do she and her baby want to come along? Unless they have a pediatrician's appointment, she will not say no, if only because there are still hours to fill before her partner gets home from work. So then you're on a date to see if you like each other. But at least you don't have to think about whether you're wearing your good underwear.

Lather, rinse, repeat until you get 2-3 people you can call and hang out with. (I love the image Andi Buchanan writes about in Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It in which she and her new mom friends call each other every morning at 8 to make plans for the day. Park? Children's museum? Just hanging out with the babies?) It's a numbers game, just like finding a job or a partner is. You'll end up drinking some coffee with some women you realize you don't ever want to talk to again, but if you put yourself out there enough, you'll eventually find a few people you really like.

[This sounds beyond cheesy, but I wish I'd done it with my first son: Go to Staples and get business-sized cards printed with your name, phone number, and email address. Carry some around in your diaper bag and coat pockets. Then when you meet someone you'd like to get to know, you can say, "Our kids are the same age. Would you two like to come over for coffee next Tuesday? Here's my number--give me a call." And then you hand over your card smoothly and can escape before you die of embarrasssment, instead of fumbling awkwardly for a pen and piece of paper.]

Once you've got a few people to hang out with, do it. Establish a regular day of the week to have playgroup. That will help give your week some more structure. It also makes making new friends even easier. "We have a playgroup that meets every Wednesday morning. Would you like to come?" Meet in between. Do some things on weekends so your partners meet each other.

If you're going back to work full-time, time is not on your side. You're going to have to establish a group of friends before you go back, so that you have weekend playgroups and friends to talk to during the week. But it can be done if you're proactive, and it's so worth it for the support and community. If your LC or hospital offers a "working and pumping" class, take it, if only to meet other moms going back to work when you are.

The effort of making a tribe may seem overwhelming in the first few weeks and months of parenting. But if you make consistent baby steps toward friendships, you'll eventually be surrounded by people you can share the burden with on the tough days, and have fun with on the good days. It can keep you above water if you start to slide into depression, and if you do develop PPD you'll have people who notice and care enough about you to help you get help.

Comments

[erika]

I know this is about mothers and PPD, but what about the stay-at-home daddies? I work full-time while my husband is at home with our 6 month old daughter. He's a great dad but there are times when I get home and he's quite shell-shocked. Especially now that she's a big wiggly bundle of energy. Any suggestions on how to convince him that meeting other parents is a good idea?

[Denise]

Good advice. Oddly, I found that my existing friends that had kids around the same time were not as good for resources than new friends I made. Did anyone else find that--you just couldn't transition your old friendship to a "kid" friendship? We just had different parenting styles, namely that they needed lots of advance notice to plan things with the kids, and I could only arrange plans on the fly.

[Moxie]

Erika, that's a toughie. We had a few SAHDs in our playgroup, but they were all met at the playground. None of them ventured into new parents' groups or classes. (Once they were in playgroup, though, they liked it and were full participants.) Maybe you could sign him up for a class with your daughter on the pretense that it'll be good for her, but really so he can meet other parents?

[K.]

You don't have to go through the trouble of finding a Staples, you can get free business cards (250 for $4.95 shipping costs) at www.vistaprint.com. They offer really quick tunaround, and they replaced a whole set - no questions asked - that had a printing problem.

Some of the free designs are really cheesy, but some are cool. Both designs I have gotten get compliments galore. I just moved, so I knew I would be meeting lots of new people, I consider them "calling cards."

[laura]

One thing that has been cool for me with making new mommy friends has been that, with the good ones, they are like my oldest girlfriends in that they don't expect or need to hear from me every day. My two best mommy buddies in my neighborhood and I see each other pretty rarely (all of us work and have long commutes)-- but when we do run into each other, its like we saw each other yesterday. So-- I said all that to say-- if you met a cool Mom once, in line at the store, for instance, and lost her number or something, don't hesitate to say hi the next time you see her again. If she's cool she really won't question the fact that Moms of toddlers lose things like phone numbers (and their sanity!) all the time. Instantly you know you've found someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff, and now you have a new friend. It truly is the easiest that making friends has been since college.

[meg]

Of all the difficulties of being a new mom and PPD I found this the hardest. I desperately missed having friends, but my work friends didn't have kids and were at work all day, my good friends with kids lived pretty far. I needed to meet new people, but could hardly get it together to leave the house. I came home from the park one time in tears because the other moms there already knew each other and had older kids and didn't talk to me. It was like being in Jr. High. ( I should have just talked to them...but I didn't)

Still, I kept going to that park and another woman was often there at the same time/day, and her daughter was about the same age as my son, and we would smile and chit-chat. I would come home from the park in a much better mood on those days. My husband would say, "Did you get her number so you can get together?" but I never did.

Now, we are friends. Our kids are in the same preschool class, and not only do I have her number but she is one of the "in case of emergency this person can pick up my son" people. We laugh about how shy we were at the beginning. I used to go to the park on those days just hoping she would be there, and she used to do the same thing.

Anyway, long story short (too late), those "calling cards" would have been a great idea.

[Monica]

I'm still struggling with this...Madam is 9 months old and we don't know a soul in our area. I think between being shell shocked at new parenthood, and living in a bit of an isolated suburb (we moved when I was 3 months pregnant)...it just hasn't happened yet. We're moving again, and I'm going to make finding mommy friends a priority, because I've definitely had bouts of depression since giving birth because I am so lonely.

Great advice, as usual.

[arb]

I wanted to throw out one other idea: Yahoo groups. In our area there is a baby-wearing group organized via Yahoo groups. I've also seen Yahoo groups for local cloth-diapering parents, attachment parenting parents, and chapters of NINO (Nine In, Nine Out--I think it's a babywearing group too). I work outside the home so I don't get to particpate as much, but I've noticed that the moms in these groups seem to make friends with eachother and arrange walks and playdates regularly.

[AmyinMotown]

Do I get the loser award for it being almost 17 MONTHS and I haven't made mom friends yet? However, your suggestions are good good good!! I am outgoing in that I have no troubl starting conversations but shy in that I have trouble continuing/connecting. I would probably feel less unlikable if I had a few positive interactions with other moms.

[Amy F]

Ditto the yahoo groups! I found out about a local chapter of Attachment Parenting Intl. through Mothering.com's local tribe section while I was pregnant and all 3 of my weekly playgroups are subsets of that chapter. We've got yahoo groups for them where get-togethers are planned and general parenting questions are asked and answered. I would a total wreck without them.

Also churches and other worship places often have moms' sessions (often with free childcare for older kids) which would be a good way to meet moms with whom you'll at least have religion in common.

[Cat, Galloping]

You know, now I feel like a dope for not going back to that class at the hospital just because it turned out to be a breast feeding class with an Agenda and the women I met that one time blew me off. Bu the timing was bad, holiday after holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and a couple of snow days) and then next thing I knew, I was back at work.

For your readers, though, I recommend finding out if there is a MOMS club in your area: www.momsclub.org
The people at mine were definitely warmest and most welcoming.

[Roasted Squid]

Ditto again Yahoo or Google Groups. Look up your neighborhood + parents / mom/ baby/ family and you'll be surprised what you'll find. In our little corner of our universe, there is one general yahoo group and it's amazing how many subgroups have been spawned off based on age ranges! My playgroup was started from that larger group based on one lonely parent yellow out "I've got a 3 month old and I"m going stir crazy. Want to meet at a local cafe and chat?" 10 moms with newborns showed up. Over a year later, we've broken off into our own Yahoo group, organize playdates, mom night's out, first birthdays. It's AWESOME.

[Her Bad Mother]

I just came out of the PPD closet on my blog, but I didn't get around to talking about the loneliness, so I'm glad that this topic is up.

I second the suggestion of Yahoo groups and the like. Also check out craigslist.com for your city and maybe post an ad for new parents (dads can be friends, too).

And just scope out your neighbourhood for other parents. When I was a couple of weeks post-partum, my husband noticed that a couple down the street were coming and going with an infant car seat. He left a note in their mailbox saying, basically hi, we noticed that you have a new baby, we have a new baby too, we live over here, wanna have coffee sometime? And our phone number. (Yes, my husband is the best. He found me my first mom friend.) They noted us back, we called, had coffee, and before long the neighbour mom and I were stroller buddies and checking out play groups and library time and picking up other moms and before long there was a whole group of us.

But I still cruise other moms in the park. You can't have too many new mom friends.