Q&A: criticism from family on your parenting

Melanie writes:

"Ok, any thoughts on how to deal with relatives who constantly tell me I am doing everything wrong?  I live overseas, so each week I talk to my parents via phone and webcam, and then spend three weeks at their place each summer.  Since my DD Zoë was born (she is 9 months this week!), every single phone call is filled with statements like "Of course she is still eating in the middle of the night - you've conditioned her to do that because you actually give it to her", "I hear her fussing again - that's because you carry her around too much", "If you keep breast feeding, none of the rest of us will every be able to bond with her", "Her first word will definitely be Moneth, since you are working" (Moneth is our nanny's name), "She'll never crawl if you give her everything she wants all the time", "We gave you X, Y or Z and you turned out just fine", "Just let her cry - she has to learn X, Y or Z sometime", "You're spoiling her because she is your first; just wait until #2 comes along, then you'll be a normal parent".

Despite the fact that my mother is a nurse and social worker, she seems to think that everything I read about child development or milestones and how they manifest in behavior is completely stupid - she actually makes fun of the fact that I consult books or the internet if I am curious about something child related.  If I hear "You read that from a book, didn't you?" in that condescending voice one more time I may commit matricide.  And I'm not even expert-obsessed or anything.  We have no sleep plan and sort of do a combination of AP and just letting her take the lead.  I guess we subscribe to the "go with the flow" style of parenting.

All of this has DH and I very worried about visiting in the summer.  I can just see them trying to take over and steamroll straight to the chocolate cake and candy.  I'd like to work on establishing some kind of control with decisions relating to my DD before we head back to Canada, but every time I try to discuss any of the reasons why I do things the way I do, I am ignored, dismissed or ridiculed.

I've often suspected that part of the problem is that my mother takes personally any choices I make as a parent that are not the same as those she made with me - like this is some kind of statement that I think she was a bad mother.  Yikes, I guess there is a lot of baggage here.

Any thoughts on making any of this easier?"

I think you've got it pegged exactly about why your mother is doing this. It sounds like she's taking everything you do differently as an indictment of the way she raised you. Know that you are not alone, that there are many parents who are suffering through this same kind of pain (because it is extremely hurtful and it tears you down) because their parents or in-laws haven't made any peace with how they parented way back when.

As I see it, there are three things you can do here. You can do one or two or all of them, depending on how your relationship has been and how you want things to go. Let's talk about strategy after I run through the options.

1. Validate your mom by asking her opinion on things you don't actually care about. This is one my mother (who was judged horribly by her MIL in the first few months) used very effectively. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, my mom would ask her MIL for advice about small things. She'd also ask for stories about my dad and my uncle. After a month or so of asking for advice, she'd start to reply to the advice with something like "Isn't it funny? Doctors tell us to do the exact opposite nowadays!" and then she'd talk about the new information, but she'd do it in a funny and totally validating way (my mom's slick like that). But she'd already built up my grandmother by asking for so much advice that my grandmother kind of felt like a co-conspirator instead of like my mom was judging her for doing the stuff she did (some of which was downright cruel, but my grandmother did it because her doctor told her to and she thought she was doing the best thing for my dad). It took what could have been a painful experience for both my mom and my grandmother and turned it into a way for my grandmother to heal a little from some of her disappointments as a parent, and also made a greater bond between the two women.

(Wow. That got a little maudlin. Sorry.)

At any rate, if you ask your mom's advice on "problems" you're having (since you live so far away you could even make up stuff and she'd never know) that gives her a chance to be the expert and validates her as a smart and worthy parent. So she will most likely back off on the other stuff.

2. Confront the issue head-on. You could say to your mother, "Mom, I've been wanting to talk to you about something for a long time. I've noticed that you are very critical of many of the decisions we've made about raising Zoë, and that makes me feel very sad. I feel like you don't trust me or think I'm a good mother. I want you to know that I appreciate the way you raised me, and that even though we're doing some things differently from the way you did them, I think you were and are an amazing mom."

3. Draw your line in the sand. Tell your mother that if she continues to criticize and second-guess every decision you make, you won't bring Zoë to see her this summer. You're her parents, and you have to protect her from people who try to undermine your family.

Now, the strategy. If anyone is reading this and having this problem with an in-law, not your own family, you should really only try option #1. It's the thing that will create positive change without stress, and it isn't your job to change the way your in-laws behave. It's your partner's job to confront his or her family, if there's going to be any confrontation.

For Melanie, I definitely recommend that you try #1, just because it's the high road and is the least stressful option. Whether you do the other two depends on how your relationship has always been with your mother. If you think your mom is normally sensible but is just letting insecurity and her sadness at not being able to see Zoë more often get the better of her, then you should probably also go with #2. Just get it out in the open so she knows you love her but that her comments are hurting you.

If you've always had a more little-girl relationship with your mom, doing #2 might actually help start a different dynamic between you. It will force her to see you as an adult mother, not just a little girl.

If you do #1 for a few months and do #2 and the negativity continues (or intensifies), you might have to do #3. But be sure you're willing to follow through if they won't stop criticizing, because once you say it you can't back down. I sincerely hope you don't have to miss a visit with your family, but if it means that your parents realize you're the heads of your own little family, then you might have to make that choice.

It will also help the situation if you just stop discussing some of the things you do that you know they won't understand. And probably at least some of those things won't even be issues once you get to Canada to see them. You may find that when your parents see your daughter in person and how healthy and happy and brilliant and capable she is they won't have anything negative to say about how you're raising her. The proof's in the pudding, after all.

Another thing to consider is that Zoë will be old enough by the time you go home to understand that there are different rules at different houses (they understand it sooo much earlier than we think they can). So even if she gets stuffed full of chocolate and cookies at your parents' house, she'll know that that stuff is special at her grandparents', and not what's going to happen at home. If it helps keep the peace during an otherwise pleasant visit, you might consider letting some of the food and "spoiling" stuff slide (assuming Zoë has no allergy or other health issues).

Now, I'm supposed to be helping you think through this, not just commiserate with you, but some of the things they say are just nuts! How do you stand it? The only thing I can say from personal experience is that if you can keep the peace while also drawing your own boundaries, Zoë will be able to have loving and rich relationships with her grandparents. And when she's an adult she'll realize just how difficult your parents are and she'll thank you for working so hard to allow her to have good relationships with them.

(Oh, and if your baby's first word is "Moneth" I'll eat my hat. It'll be "ball" or "cookie" or your pet's name, just like every other kid's first word is.)

Updated to add: If you're dealing with a particularly wily and passive-aggressive critic, check out Menita's technique in the comments. Pure genius.

Comments

[Monica]

That's great advice, Moxie. I've been doing a combination of #1 and #2 for a while now...coupled with just lying about certain things. For example, Madam's sleep patterns are still awful, but I got so tired of all of the advice/criticism I was getting from my mom that I just...stopped mentioning it. She asks me about Madam's sleep, I say "fine", we move on to other subjects.

Unfortunately, at least for me, I've had to confront my mom about how her hurtful comments more than once since Madam was born, and it still happened fairly often. I guess change, like sleep, takes time.

[Moxie]

Oh, Monica. When you call your daughter Madam, all I can think of is this.

Hee.

[Cat, Galloping]

Excellent advice.

Have you noticed how obsessed our parents' generation is with burping? All my friends have noticed it. My mom always tells me to burp him before i *know* he needs it. Last time she was here I burped him and she said, Sometimes they need to burp more than once! Like I don't do this successfully every day. Sheesh.

[Jody]

Monica, My mom did a lot of the same stuff, especially the cutting comments about reading in books. And like your mom, I think it's all about insecurity and defensiveness and hurt feelings regarding her own parenting choices. I can't say anything particularly helpful (we finally had a blow-up scream up fight...every six months until September 2004 -- but that's our dynamic) except that you'll maybe, maybe care less as you get more practice at the parenting. By which I mean, I still get pretty angry and hurt about Mom's need to undermine my choices (and I'm especially thrilled to anticipate my sister's new motherhood, since Mom outright says that she'll have a different/better dynamic with my sister and her baby) but I also believe I'm a decent enough Mom now in a way that I just didn't when the babies were young.

Meanwhile, courage. And have fun with your baby. Because before you know it, she'll be five and you'll be all maudlin.

Wait, now I'm talking about me again.

[ALG]

I find this fascinating. I don't have kids, but both sets of grandparents were very different from my parents in many ways. I grew up spending time with both sets of grandparents, with my parents when I was young and alone when I was older. I understood that there were different rules in each house from a young age. My mother's parents were very strict and didn't allow any crying, whining, or questioning of grandparental directives (no asking "Why?"). They also stuffed us with as much chocolate and ice cream as they could, whereas at home we only had dessert once or twice a week. The rules being different there didn't change the rules at home. It all works out in the end, and even though I was terrified of my mother's parents when I was a kid, I'm glad that I had and have a strong relationship with them now. As my grandfather got older, and right before he died, I really gained an appreciation for him and for the life that he led, and for why he was the way he was. I think he did regret a lot of how things were when he was raising kids in the 50s (traditional gender roles, authoritarian father figure), and his constant criquing of my parents' "hippie" parenting ways (letting kids cry, letting kids ask questions, having fruit for dessert) was a reflection of that.

My father's parents were mostly different in their religious outlook, and we did things with them that were verboten at home, like eating not-quite-kosher food.

Anyway, food for thought, and as a non-parent, I think that Moxie's advice is great, as always.

[laura]

Well... the thing about #3 is... one of my cousins did this with my grandmother. And, she followed through. And my grandmother is holding a grudge and its just very unpleasant. AND-- now that my cousin's children are getting older, they want to come to family events where my grandmother will be... and people are having to choose between cousin Jennifer and her kids and my grandmother.... and YIKES! Jennifer regrets taking that path. But that is not necessarily the way things will go for you-- but it is possible.

Choice #1 works reasonably well, really. I am very different in tastes and parenting styles from my sister in law/ mother in law. I spent a LOT of time angsting over this and getting upset about comments and advice I took issue with, and... by adopting that path and just letting things flow, the relationships have improved a LOT. And, the older that your child gets, the less this matters-- truly. Because they understand that the things that Aunt Jennie allows/ doesn't allow and the things that Mimi does/ doesn't do are just at their house-- and that won't have a lasting effect.
I would rather have my child have memories of running wild at Aunt Jennie's hous and having fun than pressing the point about not letting my daughter eat junk food while watching TV (for instance of one thing that she does and I DO NOT.)
My daughter is 3-- and yes, she does ask for things that she wouldn't otherwise know about, but really, its not hard to day "We don't do that at our house."

Finally-- and I have taken 3 years to learn this: do not ask advice in these areas--
1) sleep
2) eating
3) home remedies for illness
4) spanking/ time out
5) potty training
Because they are HOT BUTTONS. Ask your girlfriends, ask Moxie, ask your pediatrician and then tune it OUT from the dissenting family members. Because these stages will pass and you will forget being annoyed by unsolicited advice, but big fights aren't as easily forgotten.

DO ask advice about--
what color looks good on them
should you cut their hair?
is Bambi/Dumbo/Sleeping Beauty too scary

etc.

Also-- your daughter will be one this summer. Burping and such won't be such a big issue. And you can easily dismiss anything you know they don't approve of (say, co-sleeping) with a simple "Sigh, she's off her routine with the travel." My extended family has learned to stay in hotels when we visit my (bossy, but god love her- she raised 8 kids) grandmother since its too much to have her input and the assorted aunties. Yes-- its too expensive to stay for three weeks in a hotel. But I would advise you book a chunk of time (maybe smack in the middle of the visit) at a hotel as a "vacation" within the visit. Good for your sanity.

Finally-- your mom misses you. It might be really that simple (with the additional feeling you are being critical.) I know when I lived in WY (my family is in AL and VA) my mom criticized my hair (which she only saw in pictures), my *horse* (she doesn't even ride-- not even ONCE! and had opinions about my horse), and my boyfriend (who she never met, just heard about from cousins.) Now that I live in VA again and my daughter stays with her for an hour every day, well, I only hear ridiculous criticism about once or twice per year, and helpful "input" weekly-- but that is not hurtful, its truly helpful. I think she isn't missing me-- so she can be a better mom to me.

weird, yes, but we people are so complicated.

Finally

[Monica]

Hee at the Madam link! How will I get that out of my head NOW?

And excuse the mangled syntax of my first post. I wish I could blame it on the sleep deprivation, but I'd already *had* my morning coffee. Have I finally hit a stage not even coffee can fix? Perish the thought.

[Menita]

Oh this is such great advice. I get a more passive-agressive kind of criticism - I'll try 1 and 2 on MIL, and she will make all the right noises about "getting it," but the minute my back is turned she will go straight back to her own paradigm. We've found that the only thing that works is a little devious theatre: D will "storm" into the living room with the baby and say to me, very sternly, "Did YOU do this?" (this can vary from leaving the baby with a bottle in the crib, to overdressing her, to giving her things she's not ready for. "Don't you listen to the doctor? Didn't she tell you it was inappropriate/dangerous, etc.?!" all the while looking at me furiously. Then his mom will own up that she did it and she usually never repeats whatever it was again.
Devious, yes, but it works and keeps the peace.

[Num Num]

When my son was little, I called him His Babyship. (I don't call him that, but I think of him that way. As a friend once said about her mom, her mom's voice lights up when she gets on the phone with her, even if it's every day.)BTW, this is what friends are for: to not criticize.

[beaver girl]

I guess my MIL problem is the same thing turned on it's ear. I get asked repeatedly if I'm reading books and what did the doctor say about that (even little things) as if there is no way I should just be figuring stuff out on my own.

I'm afraid to try #1 for fear of opening the floodgates of advice on how to do everything. "Well, dear, as long as you're asking..."

[Linda]

Wow. You all have strengthened my resolve to NOT be one of those mother-in-laws someday. My mom and my in-laws are so accepting and understanding of our parenting choices, even if we don't agree. Sometimes my husband and I argue about who has the better MIL. I hope I remember that times change and research changes and my kids will do their best, just like I am.

[Nancy]

My mom is weird and critical for all of the defensive reasons. She even continues to argue that it is okay to smoke 12 cigarettes per day while pregnant because her doc told her that when I was born 39 years ago.

I'm going to try #1, and I've already begun the lying or rather sins of omission. How's he sleeping? "Just like we want him to". Etc.

When he was 2 weeks old she came to stay for a while to "help". About two days into her trip she turned to me and said very seriously, "When he poops you'll want to clean his testicles". Like I hadn't noticed them hanging there or something. It was truly the oddest moment. Now pretty much at every diaper change my partner and I say, "You'll want to clean his testicles" and laugh and laugh.

Mostly I grit my teeth and say, "Jack and his grandmas deserve to bond...even if it kills me."

[Melanie]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, and especially you, Moxie.

Early on I did try #1, but I suppose I must have been too obvious, since she called me on it. I'll try it again and hopefully be a little more subtle. Anyway, I have begun a list in my head of topics I can bring up this way and some of them are actually things I am wondering about - like when it is ok to put clips and elastics in a baby's hair (when is that ok?). I have slowly learned not to mention some things at all -like breast feeding- because I know I will just get all irritated at the response.

#2 is slightly more complicated with my mom, but there is so much family history that it is hard to go into without writing a novel here. I try very hard to only do #2 when I just can't take it anymore (like last summer when she insisted on calling me The Food Source at all times, as in "Don't look at The Food Source, Zoë, you'll just want to eat" or "No, that's just The Food Source, you don't need her right now"). It did work then and at other times when I really needed it to, but usually #2 means a big drama where my mom goes up to her room and cries all afternoon and I pay for it for days and days. So that one is good, but only as a last resort.

#3 ... I'll admit to thinking about this one, but quite honestly I doubt I would ever do it. I know it must not sound like it, but I do love my parents very much. I think they have a hard time with the fact that I have chosen to live so far away and that has gotten even more difficult for them since the baby was born. I feel horrible about it, but I love everything else about this life I have chosen, so I guess I don't feel bad enough to go home. It's a difficult situation, but my daughter having a relationship with her grandparents is so very important to me.

Thanks again, guys!

[lisa]

My parents literally just left today (they and the ILs are 2500 miles away), and right before we drove to the airport my mom had managed to convince V to try CIO with T. I am shaking my head in disbelief.

She also said she knew a woman who had a "family bed" when I was young and went on about how weird she was. I don't get why my mom's so obsessed with T being 5 and in our bed (he just turned one)- I've told her I am fine with whatever, and he'll sleep on his own when he's ready.

And she thinks extended breastfeeding is weird too, especially with boys (some kind of Oedipal thing).

On the phone I either just say "uh huh" or stay quiet until she realizes what she's doing and apologizes and says I'm a good mother. Otherwise I just shrug and say I'm happy, the baby's happy, and let her be smug about me being "wrong".

The hardest part is when V chimes in and starts agreeing with her. I've had to tell him I get to do it my way with this one, he can do his thing with the second if he doesn't like how this one turns out. But that doesn't keep his mouth shut.

That is a long way of saying, make sure you and your DH are on the same page and even if not, it is in his best interest to at least convincingly pretend you are.

My ILs, OTOH, fuss if they're worried but not at me. I let them do whatever they like since they are the world's most overprotective worrywarts, and I just stay out of the way.

[JaneC]

On the family bed issue--I did not sleep with my parents when I was an infant. However, when I was old enough to wake up in the middle of the night and want to crawl in with Mom and Dad I was never refused--consequently, I continued to attempt to crawl in with them until I was 7 (when I was about 4, they put the old crib mattress on the floor of their room, so I wasn't actually in the bed). At that point, they put their collective foot down and I had to tough it out in my own room.

So, not having the baby in your bed doesn't mean the toddler won't try it!

I'm sort of lucky that I've gotten a preview of what my parents will be like when I start having kids. I have three half siblings, the youngest of which is 16 years my senior, and they all have children. My parents aren't particularly critical, except of my brother, but he genuinely doesn't discipline his son (the boy was kicked out of a playgroup at age three because the other parents thought he was too rough/violent with the other children--Grandma and Grandpa aren't the only ones who've noticed). So, I think I'll be in the clear. We'll just have to find out about future-MIL...