Ask Moxie

Q&A: teeny babies and sleep

Anonymous wrote me that her second son is three weeks old and is sleeping like a champ. It's freaking her out, because her first son had his days and nights mixed up and seemed not to sleep, pretty much ever, for the first 11 months of his existence.

Babies are weird.

This is confirmed by reports from two other friends with new babies, one of whom sleeps at night (sort of) but hardly at all during the day at four weeks, and the other of whom seems to sleep around the clock at five weeks.

Moral of the story: Babies are people, too.

And they haven't read any of the baby books. So reading the books can give you an idea of what *can* happen, but if you start to think it *will* happen you could be disappointed or demoralized. And if you think that's what *should* happen you can start to think there's something wrong with you or your baby when it could just be normal human variation.

Now, serious lack of sleep can indicate a problem, so you should do some troubleshooting to see if there's anything you can figure out and fix. But at the same time, know that it's possible that everything could be fine and your baby still might not sleep the textbook way or amount.

Some common problems that could be affecting your baby's sleep:

Reflux: Choking or gagging or spitting up a ton are classic signs of reflux, but waking up screaming is another sign. Try propping the head of wherever your baby sleeps so the head is above the feet, and if that helps, your baby could have reflux. (Another classic is that the baby can sleep for hours in a stroller or swing or bouncy seat but not lying flat.) Talk to your doctor to get some relief.

Caffeine: If you're consuming lots of caffeine and nursing, it could be keeping your baby up. The half-life of caffeine in a baby's system is 96 hours. (Yes. That wasn't a typo. They're teeny little humans.) I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Developmental spurt/Growth spurt: If your baby is 3 weeks or 5 weeks or 8 weeks or 12 weeks, they could be in the middle of a growth (eating constantly) spurt or developmental (learning new brain skills) spurt. It should be over in a few days to a week, and things should improve.

Environmental conditions: Too cold, too hot, too bright, too noisy, too quiet, too alone, etc. Chances are if it annoys you, it could be preventing your baby from sleeping. (Remember also that your baby just came from being in constant contact with you, so if you expect your baby just to go cold turkey in sleeping alone in a quiet room, you might not have success right away.)

Hunger: I mean, duh, but sometimes we forget how often babies actually do need to eat. Forget all the crap about how many pounds babies weigh and how long they can go without eating. It's not research-based, especially with breastfed babies, so it's just as much conjecture as anything I could tell you or your MIL or the checkout lady at the grocery store. If your baby keeps waking up and seeming hungry, feed them and see if it works.

What have I forgotten? I'm trying to think of things that are common and reasonable to diagnose and easily treatable.

And, of course, feel free to talk about how your baby slept as a newborn, if you can remember. My first one hardly slept at all during the day. My second one seemed more textbook and couldn't stay awake for more than two hours.

Duh

I'd been wondering why I just could not keep up here with posting every day, and then it hit me: I have a three-hour round-trip commute every day. It takes me 100 minutes to get to work in the morning, and about 85 minutes to get home (including picking the kids up from their dad's). By the time I get home, it's all I can do to make dinner and get the kids to bed--I just want to collapse on the couch with Candletime.

Now that I've realized how much time I spend commuting, I'm kind of horrified.

But anyway, I'm trying to figure out some strategies to make sure I'm posting five times a week again, and hope to be back on that schedule by the end of the month.

In the meantime, I missed the first week start date of the More Moxie series on Clarifying and Transmitting Your Values During the Overhyped Holiday Season. I'm thinking the timing might actually be better this way (more time for post-mortem analysis), and I've got the first few weeks written, so I'll put up the sign-ups tomorrow and set it so that whenever anyone jumps in they'll still get the whole series.

Do you remember back when I gave up coffee? What was I thinking?

What is getting you through the day? Is it the promise of something? Working toward a goal? For me it's that I genuinely enjoy my job and my kids are turning into fun people instead of bottomless pits of need. Plus coffee.

Tomorrow you will see More Moxie sign-ups for those interested (people from the July/August session automatically get rolled into this one) and an actual post on baby sleep. I know--it's shocking that I'll actually be doing my job here...

Shifting heads

Do any of you have any advice for me?

I really like my job, and have a big project starting actually any second now, and have been very wrapped up in that for the past week. I'm having some problems separating from Work Moxie into Mom Moxie in the evenings. Last night it felt like it took almost until bedtime to have my head in the game momwise again. And I wake up with my work head on for the last few days, too.

Any tips for pushing the work aside? It's not that I don't want to be with the kids. It's just that I start trying to engage them in conversations about work. Which they don't so much care about, understandably...

Plans

Between the local crisis of the knife fight and the national crisis of the Fort Hood shooting, I've been thinking about the fact that I have no emergency plan.

Back when I was still married and we all lived together and worked on the same island and I was at home, our emergency plan was pretty direct and clear.

But we're divorced now, and I work on a different land mass than my kids go to school in, and their dad works a good 5 miles away from both of their schools, and we have no emergency plan anymore. If their dad does, I don't know what it is.

That has to change.

I am putting this up to force myself to come up with a solid, concrete plan and then work on it with my kids' dad to make sure it works for all of us. And also to force you all to reevaluate your plans, or make them if you never did.

What if something happened at your workplace? Your spouse's workplace? Your children's schools? Your city? How would you communicate? Where would you meet? What records would you have with you?

What other questions do we need to ask ourselves?

If anyone has good plans, would you post them (obviously take out specific locations) so the rest of us can get an idea of how you work it? Thank you.

My first task is to figure out how I could walk from Long Island City to Manhattan...

Q&A: parenting while sick

Candletime! Day 5. If you're not lighting candles, you're not having fun.

We've all been there. Probably in the last few weeks, in fact. Andrea feels really sick, and has a toddler, and writes:

"Tips on how to be a mom when feeling like cr@p are appreciated....we've got Nemo on right now. And I'm gonna go lie down on the sofa."

One thing about being the Great and Powerful Oz (I love that you all coined that phrase for being the one who has to hold everything together in the family and keep everything constantly on your radar) is that you never get a break, even when you're sick. Even when, technically, you've taken a sick day from work. Or when someone's "taking care" of you. Because even if you're in bed, people are still trying to nurse from you, or asking you where their socks are, or wondering what's for dinner. <Insert your own vulgar and/or gratuitously violent response here.>

The bottom line is that even when you're doing what feels to you like nothing to care for anyone else, you still are, just because you can never turn your brain off. So use whatever props you can to lessen the requirements: babysitters, TV, movies, helpful neighbors, other parents, pots and pans, etc. Anything that will keep your kid happy and chill so you can sleep or lie there and moan quietly is fair game.

Don't feel guilty if you wish your kid would get sick so he'd sleep while you were sleeping, too. We all wish it.

And push those liquids! Water, juice, broth, etc.

Does anyone know what (if any) OTC cold/flu remedies are safe for breastfeeding? I'm past those days and have been using TheraFlu, but cannot recommend it for people who are still nursing. (Even if the version you take is not dangerous, it dries you up seriously and could affect supply.)

Who's been sick and had to take care of kids? In the last week? Want to give tips or complain or feel sorry for yourself or give sympathy? Step on up to the comments section.

Lice Prevention and Removal

Who wants to talk about lice? I know--no one. Until it happens to you. One of my friends just did an extended battle with lice at her daughter's school, and she wrote up this super-comprehensive piece about how to prevent the spread of lice and get rid of them as directly as possible if they happen to you. (She didn't want me to attribute her because she didn't want to be the Lice Hunter forever.)

How to detect lice:
1. The first sign is a child who is scratching his head, especially behind the ears. There may be red bumps on the scalp and neck.  However, not all children are sensitive so an infestation could be asymptomatic.
2. Lice need warmth and prefer the areas behind the ears and at the nape of the neck.  Check for nits regularly [how often, once a week?], especially in these areas.
3. Make sure your child has lice and not dandruff.  Nits are glued onto the hair shaft and will not move when touched. [it would be helpful to refer to a photo on the internet]
4. Nits are visible to the naked eye but are very small.  If you are visually challenged there are binocular magnifiers for about $30 on the internet.

When your child has lice:
1. The chemicals in OTC pediculides (e.g. pyrethrum) have been known to cause acute allergic, anaphylactic and asthmatic reactions.  Furthermore, there is more and more evidence that lice have become resistant to these harmful chemicals.  Less toxic remedies are available, such as enzyme shampoos (Licenders, Lice R Gone). (My recommended shopping list includes: Licenders comb and enzymatic shampoo, baking soda, Pantene conditioner, tea tree oil or citronella oil, witch hazel, and a couple of small spray bottles.  If you don't already have them, you also need plain white paper towels, hair clips for sectioning hair, and olive oil to mix with the essential oils.)
2. A lice killing shampoo will not solve the problem completely because nits will survive even the most potent treatment.  Nits can continue to hatch for 7-10 days after the adult lice have died.  Nits need to be physically removed with a combing process (the high heat that would kill the nit would also damage the hair).  Even when an expert does the comb out, there could still be a nit remaining, so repeated combings everyday for 2 weeks is recommended.
3. The mixture for combing out hair is 1 part white conditioner (such as Pantene) to two parts baking soda.  The color of the paste enables visual identification of the nits and the baking soda provides abrasion for removal of the nits.  The comb must be wiped clean with every swipe onto a plain white paper towel.
4. The technique for combing is to divide the hair into four parts with clips.  Starting at the nape of the neck, separate a small section about the width of the comb. Insert the comb as close to the scalp as possible and comb out four times: once from the top, once underneath, once on the right, and finally on the left.  If no nits are detected, move onto the next small section.  After combing out hair, shampoo as normal and dry hair.  Conduct another visual inspection under bright light.  Pull out any hairs with nits.
5. The choice of louse comb is very important.  The teeth on plastic combs can spread apart and may not remove small nymphs.  On the other hand, the single-piece metal nit comb did nothing but damage and pull hair out.  The best comb is metal with long cylindrical teeth (e.g., Licender, Lice Meister)
6. If a child is found to have lice, everyone in the family must be examined, especially if parents are in contact with the child's bed linens or towels.  (Lying on the same pillow while reading a bedtime story will infect the parent!)
7. Use clean towels every time you wash hair.  Vacuum and use a lint remover to pick up stray hairs.  Scrub combs and hair accessories with lice shampoo and an old toothbrush.  Place brushes in a plastic bag for 2 weeks or buy new ones.
8. A thorough cleaning of the house is necessary after the first treatment: clothing, linens, backpacks, outerwear, hair accessories, headphones, hats, towels, stuffed animals, rugs and any items in contact with the infected individual within the past 48 hours need to be laundered, vacuumed, brushed with a lint roller, or placed in plastic bags.  Afterwards, normal cleaning is sufficient.  Most of the effort should be directed towards keeping your family's heads nit free.

For prevention:
1. Lice can live up to 48 hours without a host.  A nit on a fallen hair could theoretically still hatch. Lice can quickly crawl to a new host via hats, helmets, combs, brushes, barrettes, pillows, rugs, earphones, or towels/jackets/backpacks in shared lockers/closets. Lice/nits need to be physically contained in a plastic bag for 48 hrs. or heat killed in a clothes dryer. I am putting my child's backpack, hats, scarf, and jacket in the dryer for 30 min everyday.
2. It is actually believed that head lice prefer clean hair to dirty hair. Do not wash hair everyday and keep hair oily with olive oil or coconut oil.  Nits cannot easily attach to the hair shaft if it is oily.
3. Lice do not like tea tree oil (insecticide) or citronella oil (insect repellant).  Keep two bottles of repellent spray, one with olive oil and one with witch hazel.  The citronella + olive oil can be added to hair and dabbed on wrists, behind the ears, and at the nape of the neck. The witch hazel + citronella can be sprayed on linens, upholstery, car seats, and other items that cannot be washed or bagged.  Essential oils can also be added to shampoos, laundry detergent, and lotions.
4. Lice can more easily crawl to another head if the hair is loose.  Girls with long hair should keep it up in a bun.
5. Children should be told not to hug each other or touch heads while reading together.

Moxie here again: Aaaahhhhhh! I had no idea. If we get lice, I think the boys and I are all getting our heads shaved. Or at least they will. I'm putting my hair up in a bun as we speak.

Thoughts? Comments? Commiseration?

Candletime Sponsor

So this is straight from the Hilarious Awesomeness File: Long-time reader Karie thought my new holiday Candletime was a great idea. And since she's a Partylite consultant (they sell, you know, candles and other decor) she asked if she could be the Official Sponsor of Candletime. So take a look at the contest she's offering Ask Moxie readers, whether they celebrate Candletime or not.;):

Get a head start on your holiday gift shopping and home decorating.
Everyone loves candles!
PartyLite features fabulous candles and platinum-quality accessories.
You can check them out at
www.partylite.biz/karie

Everyone who places an order before November 21 gets into a drawing for a  $100 PartyLite gift certificate.

To be entered without ordering, go to www.partylite.biz/karie. Go to the Contact Me section and include the comment
“Ask Moxie gift certificate”

Sorry, orders and prizes can only be shipped to US street addresses.

Have fun and happy shopping!

Q&A: new information?

Before today's question (which was actually last Friday's question, but the new Typepad interface doesn't let me post from my BlackBerry. FAIL.) I'd like to announce that I've created a new holiday: Candletime. It runs from November 1 through the day before American Thanksgiving (so November 25 this year), and the celebration is that you dim the lights and light a bunch of candles every evening when you get home, and enjoy a cup or tea or coffee or cider or glass of wine. The official greeting is either "Happy Candletime!" or "Light up! It's Candletime!"

Happy Second Day of Candletime!

Now, to the question. A long-time reader with a 5-year-old writes:

"OMFG we're idiots.

all this time and guess what? [Kid's name] totally fits the profile of a spirited child.

help!"

Well, I can't really say I'm that surprised. Knowing this child and having heard the stories, she just always seemed somehow "more" than other kids in intensity and emotion.

But I also don't think this is entirely new information for the poster, either. Five years with a person and you start to figure them out. The way I've witnessed the poster's parenting process, it's looked to me like a slow but sure journey of figuring her daughter out.

So it seems like figuring out the label does two things:

1) It makes you pissed off that you never knew before. How much easier would it have been to have been able to look at someone else's roadmap instead of driving blind?? And to not think it had something to do with your parenting or the dynamic between you?

2) It makes you relieved. It's not just her. It's not just you. It's not just the combo of you. You're not crazy, and you're not raising a psychopath (eeeeeveryone with a child older than 6 months knows what I mean here, spirited child or not). You're not a bad parent. And you can use someone else's roadmap from here on out to prep yourself.

So all in all, having figured this out is great news. Go get a cup of coffee, or take a bubble bath. Or have a cup of coffee in the bubble bath.

The other thing about this, though, is that you may now have a framework for dealing with schools and other adults who don't understand your daughter. If you can find resources that describe the "typical" spirited child, that may make sense to them and help you all help your daughter to grow and learn and all that other stuff, instead of making people feel bad about expectations and "normal" and everything else.

(I'm not going to go into the "I can't believe we missed it this whole time" thing. You know what? Parents miss stuff. Sometimes we're just so busy parenting the kid we have that we don't see them as a category. While sometimes it's helpful to see the categories, most of the time it's exactly right to parent the person right in front of you.)

Anyone have recommendations for the poster for books or websites for parenting a spirited child? Especially ones that are written in language that would make them useful for bringing into discussions with teachers and school administrators? Any other tales from the trenches about spirited kids or anyone else who deviates from the median?

Q&A: equal time custody arrangement data points

A writes:

"As my ex and I try to work toward a more long term custody plan, I am struggling to envision how a 50/50 custody plan and various arrangements will work in practice. My network hasn't turned up anyone with an actual 50/50 or even close to that plan. So I would really appreciate it if you could help me to locate some folks with experience with this sort of arrangement. I'm trying to think about what will work for the kids in terms of time, predictability, etc as well as what will let me feel like an genuinely engaged parent and to have some kind of social life. I have realized that I'm struggling with giving up time with my kids, how to help me and them to adjust and feel good about whatever we agree to. But I also have practical questions like do you split up weekends and how does that work on a practical level?"

This is a great question for today because I'm sick and can't muster much of an answer, which is convenient because I'm not allowed to talk about my divorce details on the internet because of a clause in my settlement agreement anyway.

I think I can say that we don't have 50/50. I wish we did. But living in New York with housing the way it is it's not super-practical, plus our work schedules would make it really hard. New York makes parenting, especially two-household parenting, brutal in a lot of ways.

I do know some other parents who do an alternating 3/4 schedule, with three nights at one parents' house, then 4 nights at the other's, with one night swinging so the next week it's 4/3. (If that made no sense, somebody please explain in the comments better.)

I also know people who do two nights at one parent's, the next two at the other parent's, and then alternate weekends. But this really only works because they live two blocks from each other.

I've heard of people who do alternating weeks, and it seems like that would kind of rock from all sides, especially if the parents lived close so the kids had the same lives the whole time, just different dinner companions (because that's what it boils down to anyway, as anyone with with WOH parents and kids in school full-time can attest).

I think, because I know A and her situation, that she could also use a little reassurance that it will all be OK. And that her kids won't come untethered to her if they aren't in the same house every day. And that the kids will come through this to be able to form healthy intimate attachments. And that she herself will go on to a happy life.

So, thoughts, please? I'm going to drink some TheraFlu.

What have you done?

This morning there was a knife fight on the subway my 4 1/2-year-old and I were on. We'd dropped his big  brother off at school and we on our way to his school, and two teenagers got on fighting with umbrellas. I tried to break it up, then noticed the knife and grabbed my son and ran. I'm so proud of how my little boy walked between the cars with the track rushing by underneath him, and pulled the other boy on the train behind him to make sure he was safe, too.

Friends are giving me lots of nice warm fuzzies about how brave I was, but I honestly didn't think. I just grabbed him. I think most of us would've done the same thing, too.

So let's talk about things you've done for your kids that took extra strength or bravery. Despite today's knife fight, I still say the thing I've done for my kids that took the most strength (and still does) is help them through living with divorced parents.

What have you done for your kids that you're not sure you'd have been able to do if not for them? What are you doing every day?